A friend sent me this, thought y'all might appreciate it.

Tool Dictionary for all the handy people out there....

I'm sure none of us have EVER used the last one .....


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained
heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
'Yeouw....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond
the original intended target object.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the
handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,'
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its
main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered
useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels
by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which
were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to
the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for
removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab and
throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It
is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big
hammer

 

Hilarious!! I like the one about the engine hoist!

 

most of these are true....well i've done some of them.
but funny none the less

 

That circulated once several years ago, but it's hilarity is timeless.

 

Wow, that list is so old it could vote...

Tim

 

I am old also but it got a chuckle out of me.

 

I'm at work, laughing out loud....so I had to read it out loud to my friends so they would not think I was crazy.

 

***OOPS! This one needs to be deleted.

 

Microsloth has recently updated your definitions, please review the installation

JACKSTAND: A device commonly used to increase underbody ventilation in unibody or monocoque vehicles.

CREEPER: A platform designed to securely trap trainees beneath vehicles if their hair is more than six inches long so that they do not perform any functions unless supervised.

DRAIN PAN: An ingenious device which enhances it's own mobility by lubricating the shop floor underneath itself.

SHOP TOWEL (see also: "RAG"): Method by which everything in sight or reach can be lubricated without thinking about it, including hands.

DOLLY (sometimes called "Two Wheeler"): A device for turning large heavy expensive objects on their sides so that internal fluids may be removed without effort.

TRANSMISSION JACK: The means by which previously available fasteners can be rendered inaccessable.

SLIDE HAMMER: Useful in removing threads so that entire assemblies can be explained away as requiring replacement.

UNIVERSAL OIL FILTER WRENCH: What you sell someone because you realise even a trained monkey can't get to where that thing is located...

 

Does this also cover Office Supplies & Equipment?

Paper Stretcher, Put in copy machines to make Blondes think they put it on LEGAL size instead of LETTER Size.

ADD TONER, DOES NOT MEAN PUT MAKE UP IN THE COPIER!

Power Saver Mode, Does not mean the 2 squirrels are on break!

ADD PAPER, Does not mean to use the toilet paper as a continuous banner roll!

Tray Empty, Does not mean it's LUNCH TIME!

OUT OF PAPER, Does not mean it's a porta potty!

 

IMPACT GUN: A device supplied by Ingersol Rand to enforce the SNAPON tools socket replacement policy. (IR ROCKS!!!)

CORDLESS DRILL (or other device): A convention arrived at by nickle and cadmium suppliers to drive up the price of these metals in geometric proportion to numbers of failed "RECHARGEABLE" batteries.

MONKEY WRENCH: Preferred tool of non-professionals who claim that they are, thus the nomenclature...