You may find this helpful around the house/garage....

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer

 

Ha ha especially the dammit tool. I preferably use hammers or jack handles. Nothing more satisfying than yelling dammit and hearing the metal on metal contact

 

I have tool chests full of those dammit tools.
I bought a second set of cheap ones too because they are impossible to recover when I am wrenching on my boat out on the middle of a lake. They don't make any satisfying clang because there are no walls for them to hit. They only make a kerplunk sound way off in the distance.
So I guess in this case they would be "DAMMIT", "KERPLUNK", "SON of A B" tools.
Maybe I can find floating ones so they can be recovered after they serve their purpose.

 

you could tie a piece of foam to them. like those water noodle things.

 

Hey they make a nice nifty self enflating life jacket for things, my wife bought one for the $300.00 binoculars she bought me a while back.

 

Thanks 77f2504x4..laughed out loud. (Of course I've had a couple...)

 

Make sure you use a POS rag to wipe off the dammit tool when done using it. I keep a;; my dammit tools in top notch shape. Dirty dammit tools tend not to fly as well and dont make as loud a thud off the tin walls.

 

Oh man, that's hilarious! Even my wife is rollin' on the floor. She came in to see what I was heehawin' about. Thanks!

 

Your Welcome!!

 

I'm glad this thread got bumped back to the top, haven't laughed so hard in a long time.

 

A few years ago I walked into a friends shop to see a vice grip sticking out of the wall. I casually asked if it had learned to fly on its own or if he was giving it lessons. Managed to get the door closed quick enough that the tool that was in his hand hit the door and not me. Left and came back in a few minutes with a cold pack of an amber liquid. We downed a few while we finished the job that created the dammit tool.

 

there is also another type of dammit tool, the type that makes you say dammit, see hack saw...

 

The drive tab on my cheapo crap jigsaw broke mid-project last night- A corded power tool makes a great dammit tool, almost put it through the garage wall.

 

Easy on the garage. Last year I had a very bad day in the shop,and a week later it burned to the ground. The wife swore I torched it.

 

My fav tools? I tell my girls there is lever a and leever B! In other words dont touch.
This was great. It eases my mind to know that a few of my tools were actually sold to me under false names. I am happy to learn they are really dammit tools. I figured something was up all along just never knew quite what.