lmao - another crap season

 

new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'


*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on
to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

 

I like that one.

Actually made me lol.

 

 

I actually lol !

 

After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.


Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: ‘California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.’


One week later, the ‘Newnan Daily Independent’, a local newsp aper in Georgia, reported the following:

‘After digging as deep as 30 yards in cotton fields near Newnan in Cowetta County Bubba Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Georgia had already gone wireless.’

 

 

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

a Bible,
a silver dollar,
a bottle of whisky
and a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's going to run for Congress!"

 

 

 

NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside
the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
" For reading a book," she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,'
says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can
also think.

 

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day,
John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city
and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie
Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her
how it worked. At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in
from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were
understandably angry. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late
getting home?', they asked. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an
extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely
out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after
school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a mov ie.' 'What did you watch?', asked
Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.' The Robot went around to Tommy and once
again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got
up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called
Sex Queen.' 'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I
never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty
movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not
only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across
the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears.
'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, He is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the
**** out of her, not once, but three times.

 

hahaha............. that's wrong

 

WATCH WHO YOU TALK TO GUYS.............................



A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman
> waving at him.
>
> She says hello.
>
> He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her > from.
>
> So he says, 'Do you know me?'
>
> To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
>
> Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
> unfaithful to his wife and says,
>
> 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made
> love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your > partner
> whipped my butt with wet celery???'
>
> She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's > teacher.'

 

My Next Life:


I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that
out of the way.



Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every
day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement
and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on
your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get
ready for High School: drink alcohol, party,and you're generally
promiscuous.



Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and
you have no responsibilities.



Then you become a baby, and then... You spend
your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions -
central heating, room service on tap, and then... You finish off as an
Orgasm



I rest my case...............