--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by

teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers

were reprimanded, but they're funny!


1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.



2. I would not allow this student to breed.



3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.



4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.



5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.



6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.


7. This child has been working with glue too much.



8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.



9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.


10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.



11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.



12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leopard vs Poodle
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

 

Spread the Stupidity


Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call wha t they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for LETHAL INJECTIONS?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

__________________

 

For my 60th birthday this year, my wife purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Of course, I am blessed with the body of a finely tuned athlete, but I didn't want to disappoint my wife since she seemed so excited for me.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Amber, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.



MONDAY :

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Amber waiting for me.

She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Amber gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Amber was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!



TUESDAY :

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Amber made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Amber's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.



WEDNESDAY :

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked my F350 on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Amber was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Amber put me on the stair 'monster'.

Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Amber said it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other ***** too.



THURSDAY :

Amber was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Amber took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent some other skinny b*tch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.



FRIDAY :

I hate that b*tch Amber more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little **** cheerleader b*tch! If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Amber wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on very good looking young woman who punched me and called me an old pervert.


SATURDAY :

Amber left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the answering machiner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching 11 straight hours of the Weather Channel.



SUNDAY :

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal.

 

The last two post were very funny

 

A young boy was walking down a country lane one summer day when he passes an old man sitting on a porch.
The gentelman asked the youngin',"Boy, where you goin' with that piece of chicken wire?"
Boy say's,, "I'm gonna go catch me some chickens"
Old man, "boy, you can't catch no chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy shrugs his shoulders and down the road he goes. A little later, he comes back by with several chickens. Old man just scratches his head.

Next day boy comes back by the old man this time carring some "duck" tape.
Old man, "boy, where you goin' with the duc tape?"
boy, " gona go catch me some ducks."
old man, " you can't catch no ducks with duct tape!"
boy just shrugs his shoulders and down the road he goes. Later comes back by carring several ducks. Old man says "wel i'l be dipt"

Third day boy comes by carring some pusywillows and the old man holers out, " HOLD UP THERE BOY, LET ME GET MY HAT!"

 

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
This one is priceless... Wrong email address. A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned
to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack…
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!

 

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters ! that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look! 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the paren ts.

"Well," explained the Redneck...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."

 

Never Choke in a restaurant in the South


Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover's parking spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

He sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

Next, he notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, officer?'

The cop says: 'What are you doing?' The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater.'

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night on Lover's Lane...and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 25, sir.' The cop asks: 'And her ... what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

 

Not politically correct, at all...

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food

stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby.
"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."


The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa !"


Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

 

Maybe not P/C but a good one every time!!!!!!! hahahahahaha

 

I always liked that one!

 

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess.

When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary point him out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

 

hahaha Now that a good one!!!!!!!!!!!!!