If you're unhappy in a marriage, you try to work it out between you, and if that proves impossible, you split up first then start new things. Cheating is never justified.

 

Seen it before - she convinces herself that this is not just cheap sleazey rolls on the couch. Her soul aches and she's finding a breath of life, liberating her from the emotional wasteland her life had become with her husband....When she does it, it's deep and meaningful. When he does it, he's just a pig.

 

Im not trying to justify anything. I just want the whole story. This happens everyday, regardless of justification. I like getting half the story and then having the whole board jump on the wife like she was the only one at fault here.

 

currently and this really kills me, my best friend of 19 years is not talking to me. his wife whove ive been friends with for about 9 years slept with someone else and told me about it. they have 2 kids ages 5 and 3, im close with her and her family, him and his family, and there kids are like my own. it took me 6 weeks to tell him, because i didnt know how to tell him, kids are involved, i didnt want to see them split up, theres a long list on why i didnt tell him right away, but after a few weeks it was killing me inside. and thats the price im currently paying, he may never speak to me again. and its really the only friend that i have. this started about 3 weeks ago, he wont return my phone calls, nothing.

his mom left his dad when he was in high school, thats another reason why i didnt say anything up front, hes from a broken home, im from a broken home, i didnt want to see his kids do the weekend dropoff thing.

i feel like his wife took advantage of me by telling me. her father is like a father to me, she knows how i feel about my best friend, i dont even know why she said anything to me.

he moved out of the house last weekend from what her father is telling me, he breaks down and cries when we start talking about it.

and i know he has some friends telling him, i would have told you in a second, but you know what, they arnt close to her and him like i am, not even friends with her and his family like me. they live in massachusetts.

i was going to post a seperate thread about this, to get some advise and help from you guys, i really feel like i lost a brother,best friend, and i hope hed give me a chance to explain to him why i didnt call him right away.

19 year friendship, basically brothers, never an argument, not even once, way to much in common, and i never thought anything would change.

 

Im confused.

Wife cheated on your friend...you told friend after some personal debate...and now said friend is pissed off at YOU? I guess i can see why he is upset. However, if i were you, i would have told the wife "you tell him today, or ill tell him today". 19 years is a long time, and it sounds like he was the friend first. For me, this is a no brainer. At this point, all you can do is let him think it over, if youve been friends for 19 years, he WILL call you. Guys arent like girls, they don't remain mad at each other forever (unless you banged their wife or something along those lines).

One thing is certain...you are going to lose ONE friend out of this, so just get comfortable with that.

 

Can't speak for the rest of the board - but perhaps a subtelty has been missed here - the insufferable injustice is not that she's unhappy in her marriage or that they've informally separated. It's the way she's using him and abusing of his trust right now.

She tells him she just needs some time to reflect on their marriage. He rises to the situation and says "Ok hon, I'll set you up in your own apartment, all expenses paid, so you can reflect on me, our children, our marriage". He helped her move and paint the place. And what does she do with it? Goes off playing college student and "reflecting" in the mirror on the ceiling over the couch with the first frat boy that comes along...

(a) she's committing adultery
(b) in doing so, she's wrecklessly crossed a line that would probably make re-unification of these chilren's family quite impossible if he finds out
(c) she's abusing of the resources and time he's working to make available to her

Basically, completely self-indulgent hedonistic spoiled brat behaviour with little or no consideration for the family commitments she's supposed to be doing a lot of soul-searching over, and letting him pay for it all.

 

Possibility - in addition betrayal, anger, etc. - this can be extremely embarassing. Not only have you been cuckolded, but in full view of your buddies. Maybe he's just smarting too much to face you.

 

Dude,
If this guy is as close a friend as you say he is, he'll come around. It may take some time though. He's got a lot of things to process. Just got to let play out. The wife may have put you in the middle, by confiding in you, so you could do the "dirty work" for her. Just speculation.
What sucks for you, is that you may have to choose between them. You may not be able to continue your friendship with both people.

Re: OP....The way I see relationships is; 2 people either want to be with each other, or they don't. If they do, they'll work out their issues together, compromise, therapy etc. Or they give up and stop trying. A little over-simplified? Probably. But once one person gives up, its over. You can't make someone love you that doesn't. Been there, done that.

 

Try all this with a Woman who changed into a completely different person due to 4 strokes.

1) Be as understanding as possible and continue with your committment ?
or
2) Let her go to flounder/put herself in financial ruin, to maybe someday become a victim because she has lost her crirical thinking skills ?

 

So it never happens that marriages go through a tough stretch, including adultery, and recover? You don't get out much if you believe that. Many marriages recover from worse than this and not only do they survive, they get stronger. I saw it with some very close friends.

People can be in love and do some strange things. Maybe she is suffering postpartum depression, menopause or any one of many mental illnesses that would make her do this. We don't know.

If the guy truly loves her and she wants to work it out once she is done with sowing the wild oats, then I don't think he is an idiot. I would admire him for having the strength and courage to get past it. Personally, I'd strangle her but what he ultimately decides is between him, her and their consciences.

 

Yeah, if it was MY wife, there would be no relationship to recover. I have a zero tolerance rule for that and so does she.

 

im sick to my stomach right now

im leaving tomorrow night to go back to mass for my road trip, i can only hope he just gives me a chance to talk to him, i never in a million years thought i would being saying that, but i truely hope. hes the brother i never had, and i couldnt have asked for a better person to meet in my life to call my best friend. f****** kills me

 

maybe you or others don't mind if your all's wives goes out and bangs everyone on the block, but for me and others we do, vice versa also. perhaps in the american culture, and among others, cheating now is considered almost a normal part of a marriage, but in my culture, values and family, it is not.

the relationship gets stronger? so, breaking the sacred bond of trust somehow makes a relationship stronger, sorry but disagree. once a cheater, always a cheater, let someone get away with it once, they will be more inclined to do it again.

and what is the reason for cheating? obviously if someone feels the "need" to cheat then they just have lost their love for their spouse. no one in the world that is truly in love would cheat on their spouse. or is feeling the need to ***** around now a valid excuse? and never mind the diseases and everything else that gets brought back into the family and never mind the kids either.

mental illness, this and that, once again, as i said previously, excuses excuses, she knows exactly what she is doing, no ifs or buts about it. but i am sure she will come up with anything other than the fact she went out of her way to bang some one.

and what happens is between them i agree, but i really wish people like this would stop calling themselves "married" and just say they are involved in a civil union because there is nothing "married" about this.

 

Don't forget about all the disease that she can bring home with her.

 

The guy's getting hosed because he's allowing himself to get hosed. Don't get too wrapped up in it....People are too imperfect. Feel free to give advice if he's a good friend, but then walk the hell away.......People are going to do what they are going to do no matter WHAT you say, so don't become too emotionally involved. I spent about 5 years, on and off, 'advising' one of my oldest friends and warning him of the train wreck that he was creating by his actions......Everything went into one ear and right out the other, and the train wreck occurred just about the way I warned.....Why waste too much time on it?......

One of the saddest things one can realize is that an old friend that you once thought you'd trust with your life turns out not deserving of that trust......