A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says somepretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this , but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,

"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Keith"

 

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?".

The other guy says, "Well it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there" "So instead of saying 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh ,' I accidentally said "'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh,' and she socked me a good one."

The first guy replies "Wow, this is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister, too! "I was at the breakfast table and wanted to say to my wife 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.'

 

you got too much time on your hands

 

Why do you say that?

 

Tayln, is all your home work done?

 

Subject: According to the Chief (UNCLASSIFIED)


>
>
> A little humor to brighten your day!!!!!(Especially for my Navy
friends, BIGREDTRUCKMI & 390428cjt)
>
>
> NO TRUER WORDS HAVE BEEN SPOKEN
>
>
>
> At a Naval Base picnic, some of the officers were standing
>
> around talking and they got on the subject of sex. One of the
>
> Lieutenants piped up and said, "I think that making love is 80% fun
>
> and 20% work."
>
>
>
> One of the Commanders responded by saying, "No, I think that making
>
> love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40%
>
> work."
>
>
>
> Then a Captain said, "No, making love is definitely way more work
>
> than that. Now I know I'm older than most of you but I would say
>
> that it's more like 20% fun and 80% work."
>
>
>
> They continued to discuss the matter for several minutes until a
>
> Chief walked by. One of the officers called out, Chief could we ask
>
> your opinion on something? The Chief responded, "Yes sir, what is
>
> it you would like my opinion on?"
>
>
>
> The Captain said, "Chief, we're having a discussion, and we'd like
>
> your input. The Lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20%
>
> work. The Commander thinks that making love is 60% fun and 40%
>
> work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. What's your
>
> opinion?"
>
>
>
> The Chief scratched his chin and said, "Sir, I think all of you are
>
> wrong. Making love must be 100% fun, because if there was any work
>
> involved, all of you would have an Enlisted man doing it for you!"
>

 

so true,so true

 

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a Coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, "I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one,too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?"he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?"

THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN

 

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over - women like that are hard to find.

 

haha.
a chuckle in the morning out of me, thats a rare thing too!

 

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome Cab
driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to
offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old
as I am And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see
and Hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could Say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have To be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would Make a
hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm
married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
Halloween party.

 

OMG! hahahahaha

 

Subject: Morning Sex


She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in.
She turned and said,

"You've got to make love to me this very moment.

"His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day.

"Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all
right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.


After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles. "Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

 

You guys are horribal!