How To Simulate Being A Sailor

Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

Repaint your entire house every month.

Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.

Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors, so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack".

Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".

Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 a.m. while she reads it to you.

Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm.

Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.

Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.

When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations. (Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations.)

Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)

Set your alarm clock to go off a random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose.

Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best one when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.

Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

Take a two week vacation visiting the red light districts of Europe or the Far East, and call it "world travel".

Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty". At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

Ahhh, such fond memories.........

 

>How To Simulate Being A Sailor

Ah....yes, thanks for the memories. May I add to your list?

>For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living
>room, and run it all day long. -
While mower is running, black out all windows, turn up the heat in your house all the way up and wear a long sleeve shirt.

>Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee
>grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours
>before drinking. -
Hang a coffee cup on your belt loop and carry it with you. Fill with coffee when ever you pass the mess hall. And never, ever wash out your coffee cup. The blacker the better.

>Ahhh, such fond memories.........

Yes indeed. Cool post!

 

You might be a "lifer" (career sailor) IF:

1) You have ripped the drywall out of your entire house so that you can stencil identifications for all of the pipes and wires in it on them.

2) Your front door requires a huge wrench to open it.

3) Your family doesn't like to listen to the radio because they already spend four hours a day watching the hot water heater.

4) Your friends and family refer to your truck as "The Admirals Barge".

5) The winch on your truck has an anchor instead of a tow hook on it.

6) The tool box in your truck is labeled "Damage Control Central".

7) You routinely call home before leaving the grocery store, and tell your spouse to "Muster the Delta Working Party".

8) You live in a two bedroom, one bath house. But it has three urinals, four toilet stalls, two shower stalls, and only one sink.

9) In order to move ANYTHING from your garage to your driveway, it has to go through the middle of your dining room via elevators.

10) You have ever tried to fill your gas tank from a moving tanker truck...

>=oP

 

Wiz

[link:www.clubfte.com/users/thewiz427/index.html|"Wiz's Place"]

 

ROTFFLMFAO

 

don't forget to put a big piece of PVC pipe off the top of your house and shoot potatos out of it.

 

[updated:LAST EDITED ON 05-Nov-02 AT 06:11 PM (EST)]

growing up in hampton roads virginia and working for the navy from age 18-24, i fell off my chair laughing at yours and greywolfs posts! my fav. was the "throw the family pet in the pool and yell "man overboard portside" and see how fast they respond" one. another was the spouse sayin "sorry, wrong bunk".



and how could i forget the "inspection" one! aint nothing like a Navy or DOD inspection.

 

GO NAVY! P-3 Aircrew was the way to go. Your private plane to all points. We lived on land, and flew to the places with the cheapest lobster and wine.I feel sorry for anyone that did not get into a combat aircrew onboard the Orion anti-submarine aircraft. Good Deals most of the time!

 

Got to agree with you 924X2150! Although I was never fortunate enough to be assigned to VP's, both my brothers were. When and what squadrons were you with? they were in VP30, VP8, VP24, and I believe VP49. One was TACO/NAV, other was AW then got his commission and went TACO/NAV. I was an AT but my NEC's (TACAN and later PMEL) kept me assigned to AIMD.

 

P-3A's VP-64 NAS Willow Grove-I was an AT2 Radio Operator.Spent alot of time in Bermuda, Puerto Rico, Hawaii and Rota.

 

P.S. Rikfish- I was stuck in AIMD WC 610/640 Doppler, Tacan arn 52,etc. for a while but begged a Master Chief for aircrew. As AT aircrew ( FCO's and IFT's), we did a lot of O level repairs in WC210. That shouldn't have stopped you from aircrew, unless your unit was selfish about keeping good techs.

 

You guys are killing me.LOL.I used to sleep with my helmet on. I drive an 18 wheeler now, and when I'm sleeping and the wind is blowing the truck rocks side to side I can swear I'm back at sea.Driving thru the midwest in a thunderstorm is like being in a storm at sea.BTW,my truck is grey.

 

As a Machinery Repairman let me add a few. When you go on vacation, instead of seeing Disney World with everyone else, stay home and help the electricians pull huge extension cords to plug in the house.

When you ask your boss for vacation, have him say no, and the next week have him forfeit your vacation time because you had too much coming and didn't take it.

 

If you quit a job and take a month off before going to work somewhere else -

Have someone at your old job call you up at 7:05 AM every day threatening to report your butt for not checking in with them on time even though you don't work there anymore!




~I'm currently on "Leave in Transit". My LCPO was on leave when I checked out, and I got his stand in to sign my check out sheet.

The guy was about to sign off on it, and then he said "Wait a minute, if I sign this it means we don't have control of you anymore!"

I said: "What makes you think you ever DID?"

-He signed it...

 

A few more:

You have the overwhelming urge to call out "shift colors" as you
put your car/truck into gear.

That thing you steer with is, in your mind, the HELM.

That mass of metal, plastic, and rubber under your hood is actually
'the main engineering plant'.

Your speedometer is calibrated in knots.

You've ever had the urge to chain your car/truck down to the concrete after parking it in the driveway.

The fuel filler cap of your car/truck is safety wired.

You crack off a salute toward the rear of your vehicle as you
get in or out.