Fred, it's a slow day for ya, "Huh". Thanks for the laughs. And what's your definition of a "panty hanger"?....per post in the Super Duty forum.
Haynes Books
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Post Fiend
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 6,214
Likes: 13
From: New Jersey
Haynes Books
The REAL meaning of the Haynes instructions
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?
Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner
then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner
then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner
then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you
are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).
Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to
dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead
are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot
be considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map
of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that
your AA cover includes Home Start.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!! Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't
mention it to your insurance company.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the
garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking
at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought,
it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat. Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone
use a hacksaw.
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with
adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to
do!
Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of
bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with
a hammer.
Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.
Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing
upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid
from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and
will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.
Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured
exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant
model.
HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
we are trying to hit.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they
are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
searching for for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part
you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in
about the time it takes you to say, "F...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have
installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the front wing.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten
times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm
howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-
and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name
implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel
burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air
that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts
last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.
PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?
Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner
then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner
then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner
then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you
are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).
Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to
dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead
are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot
be considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map
of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that
your AA cover includes Home Start.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!! Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't
mention it to your insurance company.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the
garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking
at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought,
it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat. Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone
use a hacksaw.
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with
adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to
do!
Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of
bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with
a hammer.
Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.
Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing
upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid
from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and
will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.
Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured
exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant
model.
HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
we are trying to hit.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they
are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
searching for for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part
you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in
about the time it takes you to say, "F...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have
installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the front wing.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten
times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm
howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-
and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name
implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel
burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air
that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts
last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.
PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Elder User
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 788
Likes: 1
From: Hendersonville, TN
Lots of good definitions here. I think you missed it on the drop light though. should read:
DROP LIGHT: Lamp with a metal cover instead of the more traditional base and shade. Cover also includes a convenient hook that will hook onto anything except what you want it to. Can be fit into tight spaces in order to shine light into one's eyes or onto any object other than the one you need to see. Also works well for obstructing one's view of items needing repair. A very versatile item, the drop light is often used to test the dismal shock rating of incandesent bulbs, warm hands quickly to "medium well", or pull expensive and delicate items off your workbench with it's cord. While the term "light" is somewhat misleading, "drop" is an apt description of it's chief activity.
DROP LIGHT: Lamp with a metal cover instead of the more traditional base and shade. Cover also includes a convenient hook that will hook onto anything except what you want it to. Can be fit into tight spaces in order to shine light into one's eyes or onto any object other than the one you need to see. Also works well for obstructing one's view of items needing repair. A very versatile item, the drop light is often used to test the dismal shock rating of incandesent bulbs, warm hands quickly to "medium well", or pull expensive and delicate items off your workbench with it's cord. While the term "light" is somewhat misleading, "drop" is an apt description of it's chief activity.
i ain't rite
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 65,481
Likes: 5,542
From: Marlboro Mental Hospital.
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Post Fiend
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 6,214
Likes: 13
From: New Jersey
Tigerman:
Panty hangers are the garment hooks above the doors. My crewcab has three ;-)
TJC:
I shall... "Shed" is cool because of the mix... guys for US, Canada, NZ, England, Australia and even a guy from Chile. All united by the urge to break tools.
Panty hangers are the garment hooks above the doors. My crewcab has three ;-)
TJC:
I shall... "Shed" is cool because of the mix... guys for US, Canada, NZ, England, Australia and even a guy from Chile. All united by the urge to break tools.
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