j&bsuv, being good to somebody and being good for somebody are two different things. Just because a person pets a dog doesn't mean they can take care of it.

 

Amen!

Sometimes "being good" is nothing more than enabling bad behavior and poor choices.

How long have you been dating, a few weeks? Any mention of love under such a short lived stressed circumstance is highly suspect. Clear thinking...? Not likely. Infatuation? Likely. Being led around by your family jewels..... even more likely. Being taken advantage of by a girl in a desperate situation... BINGO!

 

Seriously man....you are young. You have a whole sea of women to choose from.

If you had a million bucks, would you go out and buy a 1975 buick, even though its 'nice'. Hell no. I say run like hell, skip the baggage, you don't need that. Its not even your kid, and what if the father comes back.....good god, nothing good can come of this.

If it was me, and it is, i prefer a woman in a similar situation as myself. I dont want a 'been there, done that' kind of girl, which is exactly what you are getting into.

For me, i got a dam fine woman, in college, just like myself. We graduated, continued dating, got married, had good jobs and have SLOWLY worked out ways up the ladder of life TOGETHER. Because of this, we are financially sound, no debt, very little baggage, and all of what we have is OURS. This girl you are talking about already has a life that you are not part of. She is already ahead of the game and you are trying to catch up in the middle.

HER poor decisions should not be YOUR problem. I think you should re-evaluate your motives.

 

I would definitely suggest taking a long look at things. The best option is to definitely talk to the father if you have not yet met him, and try to find a common ground. If you love her as much as you say, what I am going to suggest will be acceptable, as I do not think sneaking around will solve anything, trust me, it will eventually come to light, and you still will have to deal with this guy for a long time if it works out. Back to my suggestion... Offer to visit her under their supervision, hang out at the house with the family there, not likely to get alone time, but if it means enough to you both, that will be ok. She has made some mistakes, and they don't want her to continue to make those same kind of mistakes. If you haven't known her very long, you really need to evaluate what is going on, because it is too easy to get wrapped up in emotions and make rash decisions that you will pay for later in one way or another, and that is part of why there are so many divorces these days, not enough people stop and make sure they are making the right decision, and are willing to stand by it if it isn't quite what you hoped. I've made my share of poor decisions, and I am still paying for them, so really think about this before you dive in head first and find that big rock at the bottom of the pond...

 

Use your head and follow your heart.

 

I understand what you are all saying. But Im not leaving her. We are working through this ordeal. I had a talk with her father about this and we both had an agreement. His only concern really was the fact she is having problems with the Babies father and he dont see a problem with me dating her AFTER the problems with the ex are all behind her. I understand his problem and respect that. I told him I would like to earn his respect and all. So its really not me thats causeing the problem its her Ex. So right now we are going to stay the way it is but not get serious. I will help her and the baby out when needed. So once everything with the ex is done everything will be back to normal.

 

Keep in mind, most likely the ex will be involved in the picture for pretty much the rest of the child's life, they have that habit of being a PITA all the time... no reason to not be friends or such, but get to know the situation more before letting it go any further.

 

Suddenly I hear banjo's playing and have the urge to watch Deliverence.

 

OMG LOL, I say go for it young man only live once. Now i'll get back to watching deliverance were getting to the good parts.

 

I would say take it SLOW. Take it from someone that married and had kids too soon,you will be paying for it the rest of your life with more ways than just money if you have kids with her and things don't work out. I am not going to tell you not to go for it,but just take your time and don't rush things.

 

"But I love her!(or him)" has been the start to more disasters than even "Hold my beer and watch this." In reality you two have at best a 50/50 chance. If you really love her, and vice versa, a few years of patience won't make any difference. You'll end up together. Should things turn out for the worse those same years will also keep you from stepping in an unimaginable pile of $#!!.

I don't understand? My girlfriend has three teenagers.

 

Please remember this. . . .
You and this young lady should take it S L O W. There is NO reason to press the gas pedal to the floor.
You and this young lady have the rest of your lives and she has a child, as you know.
I applaud you for being ready to accept her 'baggage', and I mean no dis-respect by saying that. You are walking into a 'ready-made' family.



As fellro86 said, "Keep in mind, most likely the ex will be involved in the picture for pretty much the rest of the child's life, they have that habit of being a PITA all the time... no reason to not be friends or such, but get to know the situation more before letting it go any further."

I echo some of that. You MUST remember this. . . the baby's father is just that. The baby's FATHER. Whether the 'ex' is a PITA or not, he still has a say-so in the child's life, unless/until the courts say otherwise.
Allow him to be the child's father IF he wants to.
I speak from experience on this one. . . I have a daughter from a previous marriage. I had to FIGHT for visitation and other RIGHTS, because the child's mother was (and still is) a PITA, and yes, she left me because she THOUGHT that the grass was greener on the other side of the street.
Just remember this. . . . the 'ex' does have RIGHTS until the courts say otherwise.

Yes, you and he CAN be on friendly terms, BUT, you will have to REALLY work at that.

Take your relationship slow (as said many, many times) and use your head as well as follow your heart.

Good luck, young man. You NEED it!

 

Well, I didn't quite get across my full meaning there. Yep, he is the father, with all rights to vidsitation and such with the child. Keep in mind there are 3 sides to every story, on this one, his, hers, and the truth. He may have had a good reason for splitting that you haven't discovered, as you have only heard her side so far. There are plenty of women who play the guy to be the bad one, but in reality is is the other way around. I have a teen daughter with my ex, who in my opinion is practically psychotic wioth her behavior towards me, and I try to deal with it all for my daugher's sake. She has tried everything she can to get me to stay away, so she can have full control, but that isn't what our daughter wants, she wants time with me. I can absolutely relate to having to fight for visitation and other normal rights that she feels the need to deny on a whim. Examples of why you really need to be sure of what you are getting into before you get in too deep. My experience is that the ex, at this time especially, will not likely care much for you "moving in" on his child and prior wife. I have been on friendly terms with an ex of my once girlfriend. I wouldn't say friends, but friendly. Same applies to the wife's ex, I can get a long with him, but his behaviors towards the wife in regards to their child tend to bug me. I have to bite my tongue to keep the peace...

 

Here is a question I would like to see get answered.

You have know her a only few weeks as I understand.

Q: What is it that makes you in LOVE with this girl ?

Please name as many things as possible

 

i was thinking the same thing while reading this.


anyways, dude, just leave this girl, do yourself a life long favor.

i figure age is a big thing in this, i mean.....give me a break, how long was she even married? how old is she? and.....2 months ago she had a kid and recently divorced and trying to hook up with someone already! sounds like she is just looking for someone to support her and her kid now.

look around you, look at the world, do you honestly think being with this girl is right for you? how many successful people engaged in this type of relationship have you seen or heard of? there is a reason for it. obvioulsy she can't manage herself or her future, don't let her lure you onto a sinking ship.

and no kidding she wantsz to move out, she wants YOU to support her! mentaly she is ready? part of that mentality is also knowing how to, so to me she is not.

i feel like i am dealing with people in the Navy again....what is with kids now days?

i could be ruder and go on and on about something like COPS and trailer parks, being a drag on society and yada yada yada, but i won't.