Based on a true story about me.

Seriously, it was a real good movie.

 

"Smith & Wesson beats 4 aces."

"It's better to fart and bare the shame than hold it in and bare the pain" - my Grandpa

"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink."

"A closed mouth invites no feet." - my dad

"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein

"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us that actually do"

"I don't want to belong to a club that will accept me as a member." - Groucho Marx

"A woman drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her." W.C. Fields

"Of course a short cut is hard, thats why its a shortcut. If it was easy, then it would just be the way." - From Roadtrip

"Fate never closes a door without opening a window."

"The whole world steps aside for a man who knows where he's going."

"If you take too long in deciding what to do with your life, you'll find you've done it." - George Bernard Shaw

"The trouble with using experience as a guide is that the final exam often comes first and then the lesson."

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." - Thomas Edison

"A Bus Station is where buses stop. A Train Station is where trains stop. On my desk, there is a Work Station."

"Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice."

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."

"A friend is someone who will help you move; A good friend is someone who will help you move a body."

"You can observe a lot by watching." - Yogi Bera

"Heaven don't want me, and hell's afraid I'll take over." - my friend Robert came up with that gem.

If you want something inspirational, "if" by Rudyard Kipling is about as good as it gets.

My Grandpa always said the one "Tis better to be thought a fool, than open your mouth and remove all doubt."

Trevor

 

A guy at work

He's richer than 3 foot up a bulls ***.

My ex is stranger than a three speed Volkswagon.

 

Suicide-now there's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

 

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
- Kris Kristofferson
[Source: Song - Me & Bobby McGee]

 

"vegetarian"... Ancient Indian term meaning lousy hunter.

 

You can have 20 years experience, or 1 years experience 20 times - (wish I knew who to give credit to.)

$100 at Snap-On, put it in your pocket. $100 at Harbor Freight, back your truck up to the door. - Howdy, (the only thing I've ever thought up that might be quotable, and it has to be about really cheap tools.)

 

I say this to my kids:
"It's not my job to take care of you, it's my job to teach you to take care of yourself"

 

My personal favorite:

You can drink an ugly girls pretty, but you can't drink a fat girl skinny.

Remember that. . .It'll come in handy.

 

Nobody seems to have the time to do it right the first time, but everyone always seems to have plenty of time to do it over..

The older I get, the smarter my father gets. He's been dead for thirty years...

What you don't have in your head, you had better have in your feet...(after he had asked me to go get him a PHILLIPS screwdriver)

All from my father as I was growing up.

Oh, I almost forgot.
Money never made a marriage work, but lack of it, has ruined plenty of 'em.

 

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.

I've never went to bed with an ugly woman, but I sure have woke up with a few.

Here's one to tell the cop when he asks what your reason is for speeding - Well officer, I can give you lots of excuses, but no good reasons.

Trevor

 

Heres one that some of the younger people may understand.

I wish my grass was emo so that it would cut itself.

 

I've always taken to heart the quote - Winners never quit and quitters never win.

 

Rehab is for quitters.

 

'I spent 98 per cent of my money on wine, women and song, and the rest of it I wasted' - WC Fields

And my all time favorite, the last words of Oscar Wilde as he lay dying in a rented room: "Either that wallpaper goes, or I do."