1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

Back during the Dust Bowl, farmers where getting desperate for some rain. One small town pooled their cash and hired a man named Rudolph Netyenkovitch, from Russia,who claimed he could make it rain. Upon his arrival, as he got off the train, he said "Tomorrow- will rain." The next morning, sure enough, it was raining! As the happy villagers danced around in the rain, the farmer's wife asked how the man knew it would rain. The farmer replied "Ah- Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

 

what do you call a deer with no eyes??? no eye deer.
what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?? still no eye deer.
what do eskaminos get from sitting on the ice for to long??? polaroids.
where do you find a dog with no legs?? where you left it.
what do prisoners use to talk to each other?? cell phones.
what do you call cheese that does not belong to you?? nacho cheese.

 

An elderly man visited his dentist, complaining that his dentures were suddenly becoming terribly discolored. The dentist was at a loss as to the cause, until he asked the patient if his eating habits had changed recently. The old man mentioned that his wife got an outstanding hollandaise sauce recipe about a month ago, and he just can't get enough of it: hollandaise on his eggs in the morning, on his lunchtime sandwich and on any meat he has for dinner. The dentist exclaimed, "well, that's it! The combination of the vinegar and egg yolks in the hollandaise will discolor your porcelain plate in no time. We'll have to change yours to chrome-plated."

"Chrome?," asked the old man. "Why do you have to chrome-plate my dentures?"

"Because," repiled the dentist, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise..."

Merry Christmas, Everyone!!!

 

These are all 2 thirds of a pun..... P U !!! (ba dum dum)

 

A rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "we don't serve rope here." So the rope went to the next bar and straight to the bathroom, tangled himself up and used his pocket knife to cut himself around the edges. Then he went to the bar and asked for a drink. "we don't serve ropes here," said the barkeep. "Are you a rope?"

"Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

 

Pity the two red corpuscles. They loved in vein.

A certain band director was standing outside on a metal
ladder during a concert, when a thunderstorm broke out.
Amazingly, he wasn't hit by lightning, but the music was
awful - it seems he just wasn't a very good conductor.

I went to get my vehicle emission test done today, and when
it was finally my turn I asked the guy what time they closed.
He said, "We're open late into the night. In the trade we're
known as 'nocturnal emissions'."

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
The heat was intense.

 

I need some pepto - my stomach hurts from too much groaning...