This was a email I got:




1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion
allowed per passenger.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never
amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of
two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat
it too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why? they
asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer.

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt
and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal.

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade
them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd
be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so. Thereby proving
that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him...what?

(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)

A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

I really liked the ghandi one, and that last one.

 

lol some of those are kinda korny
but funny just the same

 

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar and... One was a salted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this Taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.

10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

14. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

15. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

16. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

 

Two ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve ropes here". The next night the ropes try it again with the same results. On the third night, after being denied once again, one of the ropes walks outside, twists himself up, & untangles one end of himself. Upon returning to the bar, the bartender says "Look I've told you for the past two nights we don't serve ropes here. You are a rope, aren't you?", to which he replies "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

 

I was walking along the beach the other day eating a hotdog when I saw a homeless woman carrying a pet seagull. She begged me to trade: her seagull for my hotdog. So, knowing my luck was about to change,
I took a tern for the wurst.