Got this in my email the other, I'm passing it on in the hope that it will help my fellow FTE'rs understand their Haynes manuals.

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer counterclockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in heck, bucko!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start; now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox...

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a BIG can of WD40...

Haynes: Retain small spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly took my eye out!"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: "OK - thats the glass part off, now use some good pliers to dig out the base...

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing...

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your mother could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of
the Tokyo underground.

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for
while muttering "Piece of junk" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking
at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought,
it's broke!"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can
start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want to do!

 

I've read that on here before, but it's still funny the 2nd time!!

 

That's hilarious!

 

And so true! Exactly why I'm not a fan of Haynes manuals! Get a Chiltons, they're marginally better....(how's that for a recomendation!) -TD

 

I like haynes better, chilton's is just a pain in my opinion, I have both of them, and what sucks is when you can't find the right thing in either one of them, lol, either that or you just don't comprehend what it's saying, so I just am to the point that I look at the pictures, ok, thats what it looks like, look at mine........why doesn't mine look like that, lol. No, i'm one of those guys that is like, ok, heres the problem, here is what I have to get to to fix, here is whats in my way, lets go to it, ok, done, now this goes back here, and here and here.....fire it up, runs like a champ.....cleaning up.......ummmmmm, what did this come out of, oh crap, I have to take that back apart, ARGH, take it apart, making sure that you have a nice neat section where you put all the other parts, and put it back together, still runs, yay, now time to go clean the bloody knuckles, lol.

 

I like Haynes way better, the electrical and vacuum diagrams are much better then Chiltons. In newer cars this is where many problems are. Any vehicle I own either has a factory CD or Popular Mechanics CD, plus, I usually have a Haynes manual for the vehicle. The paper manual works better on the side of the road.

Every car I sell or work on has one too because I have the customers buy one.

 

The WOLF VERSION:

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Someone from the UK or Australia wrote this stupid book!.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: It ain't going in without a special driver...

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: I wonder who I can wish this on, without paying much extra?

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: Chicken dung sucker wanted to go play golf that day, instead of writing a proper manual...

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Ease it out somehow so it doesn't become very expensively destroyed

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Take a picture first, write it down on a clipboard, and take note of it - because it will KILL your truck when you forget about it later.

Haynes: Retain small spring...
Translation: You ain't gonna find this thing at AUTOZONE...

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: Wear gloves! It's gonna break...

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Whatever it is - it's expensive and hard to find.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: You're going to BUY THIS ALOT. Get used to it...

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An idiot working for a lube house does this all day, all week.

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: You need air tools, Bubba

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Replace it entirely, wish the removal on someone else, or use dynamite.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Those cheap boogers couldn't think of a way around it...

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: You are about to involve three of your friends in an action that they don't want anything to do with...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Throw that used up piece of junk out, and buy new

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: This is going to hurt...

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: "C. R. - Get the TORCH lit...."

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Witnesses are required...

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: Like I didn't know that the plugs could tell a lot of the story...

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But much easier, since now you realise where the manual writers had their heads stuck where the sun don't shine.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Pry out keyways, and store them where you absolutely cannot lose them.

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Find something that won't mushroom it...

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Tick off the ex-wife, and have her stand next to it for ten minutes!

Haynes: Index
Translation: The short list, of what you don't need to know!!!!


~Wolf

 

How about:

use a 2-jaw puller
Translation: get the BIG ****** sledge hammer

2WD shown, 4WD similar
Translation: Sucker!

Reassemble in reverse order
translation: you'll have at least 2 bolts left over.

 

This is why the wife won't help in the garage anymore. That and the red dent in the door of my Ranger beacuse the wheel barrow wouldn't stay out of the way.

 

I'm going to print several copies, I sell Haynes Manuals everyday! as far as I am concerned, they are pretty much worthless... except for the techbooks, which are better...

 

Good stuff, guys.

 

I bought a Haynes for my Van several years ago and it pretty much sucks compared to the Chilton's soft cover. Chilton's goes into more detail with better pictures. I miss that cyberpartspro web site that used to be up, but it's gone now. It was just like looking through the Chilton's big book. I thought I read somewhere that Chilton bought out Haynes.

 

Haynes: "An intermittent problem may be difficult to diagnose."
Translation: It's probably cursed.

Haynes: "Repairs to (this unit) should be referred to qualified service personnel"
Translation: The Haynes tech wasn't fully certified.

Haynes: "Ensure that the airbag system has been disconnected."
Translation: You're about to spend two days tearing out the whole dashpanel assembly by doing it their way.

Haynes: "An alternative method is the following..."
Translation: They figured out an easier way to do it on the second try (Q: Why did they re-do it?)

Haynes: "The following information covers most models - "
Translation: Good odds this dang book don't have the straight info...


~Wolf

PS: Have you ever really looked at the picture of the "Haynes Team at Work" on these manuals? Do they really look like they know what they're doing? I'll give you a clue - the obvious "Mechanic Dude" is never dirty or greasy...

My other gripe is that to get a full set of wiring diagrams, you need a Chiltons and a Haynes each, for what you want to work on. Each seems to be missing what the other covers, unless neither have what you need. When that happens - a very pricey manual from the dealer is the only way out...