Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at the insides of the gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a can of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly took my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because this can not be lightly what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mom could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,tiny,little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the London underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for it while muttering @#%%# under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought,it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an Sear's Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Reverse procedure to install.
Translation: We were too lazy to put the steps in the book. Good luck draining the oil back into the pan.

Haynes: This requires a trained person and is beyond the scope of the book
Translation: Reverse procedure to install doesn't work for this repair.

Haynes: Use a paper clip to hold this part so you can bleed the brakes.
Translation: This worked on for us on our 1961 Edsel test car so it should work on your car that was built 15 years later and now has disc brakes.

Haynes: Don't drive without tightening the lug nuts.
Translation: Just in case your a moron, we have provided this reminder. Note: the text is larger since morons can't read small text.

Haynes: If your Mustang has a 351 ci engine.
Translation: 351W and 351C are the same size engine, even though they two totally different engines, so we saved space by assuming that the torque specs and repair procedures are the same.

Haynes: Chilton timesaver
Translation: It took us a lot less time to write this part by making up this short cut.

Haynes: Here are the diagrams to rebuild your automatic transmission.
Note: we left our a lot of extra pictures that were in the factory manual including the reassmbly diagram. (oops........this note never got printed to save space)
Translation 1: Just remember what order the parts, that are now all over your garage as a 1000 piece aluminum and steel jigsaw puzzel, came out in and...reverse procedure to install.
Translation 2: We didn't think anyone would be brave enough (or stupid enough) to do this repair with this book.


Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book except the thing you want to do!

Haynes makes better underware than they do shop manuals. But they both get pretty crappy after a while.

 

There are two things to do with a Haynes manual.

1. See how far you can throw it.
2. Check to see if it is fire-proof.


Wayne 60 F-350
e-mail
http://home.pacbell.net/whomrig

 

If you can find OLDER versions of manuals, you will have the (for example) valve adjustment spec's, and spark plug gaps listed in them.

I noticed over the last 15 years that a lot of the basic info is now missing from current books.

Because of this I usually have to get two books for each machine I own, because Chiltons seems to have the stuff that the Haynes books are missing.

I use Haynes when I need wiring diagrams, Chiltons for mechanic's data.

If I can't find it in either one -

Factory manuals from a dealerships parts counter are the only un*******ised source of information I can go to. The price is not nice, but the results are worth it.

Instructions from a 1970 ten-speed bicycle:

"Step 1) Assembly of Japanese bicycle require great peace of mind..."