[updated:LAST EDITED ON 21-Dec-01 AT 11:53 AM (EST)]OK, this joke was named the "Funniest Joke in the World" recently by British group who posted it on a website along with thousands of other jokes and had people vote. Supposedly more than 100,000 people from 70 coutries participated in the poll. This joke had the highest overall rating. So without further adieu I present the "Funniest Joke In The World":


Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.

HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there there might also be life.

HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.

[marquee][/marquee]

 

From a Norwegian friend. These are the jokes from the north that compare to the redneck ones here!

OLE & LENA'S HONEYMOON
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth.

OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS
When the Norwegian accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going down dere yust for 50 Cents!

SWIM COMPETITION
A Norwegian woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The French woman came in first; the English woman second. The Norwegian woman reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but tink dose other two girls used deir arms."

FAMOUS INVENTIONS
The Swedes invented the toilet seat.
Twenty years later the Norwegians invented the hole in it.

FISHING
Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. "The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400," said the first Norwegian. "Vell," said the other one, "At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more."

BAR RIDDLE
A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner. "Look,"he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink. If you can't, then you buy ME one. Okay?" "Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian. The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my,sister. Who was it?" The Norwegian scratched his head and finally, said, "I give up. Who vas it?" "It was ME," chortled the Indian. So the Norwegian paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls, the Norwegian went into a bar and spotted one of his cronies, "Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a qvestion, I buy you a drink. If you can't, YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?" "Fair enough," said Sven. "Okay . . . my fadder and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?" "Search me," said Sven. "I give up. Who vas it?" "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota."

MUSIC SOLUTION
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."

 

> GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE , THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
>
> 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
> 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
> 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch
> the
> second person.
> 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
> 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
> 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
> 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
> 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
> 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
> 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
>
> GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
>
> 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
> 2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
> 3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
> 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
> 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
> 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
> joy.
>
>
> GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
>
> 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
> 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
> 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're
> down
> there.
> 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
>
> chair
> that you once got from a roller coaster.
> 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody
> bothers to
> ask you the questions.
> 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
> 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
>
>
> THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
>
> 1) You believe in Santa Claus.
> 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
> 3) You are Santa Claus.
> 4) You look like Santa Claus.
>
>
> SUCCESS:
>
> At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
> At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
> At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
> At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
> At age 35 success is . . .having money.
> At age 50 success is . . . having money.
> At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
> At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
> At age 75 success is . . having friends.
> At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
>
>

Dennis314&.jpg



It's Almost Time Everyone.
https://www.ford-trucks.com/user_gallery/sizeimage.php?&photoid=314&.jpg


78 F-150 429CJ C6 ,Silver w/Explorer Pkge
641/2 Mustang,Pre-World's Fair Car #8092
64 Fairlane S/C waiting for a 390-4spd.
68-Mustang.Sunlit Gold 80,000 miles :-X12

 

An American sodier was escorting an Al Queda prisoner, and they stopped at a restroom to relive themselves.

The prisoner washed his hands, while the soldier waited impassively...

The prisoner commented: "In my country we wash after urinating!"

The soldier replied: "Yeah, but in mine we dont pee on ourselves."

 

There was a young man who just graduated from college with a degree in Sales and Marketing. He went to a new mega-store that sold anything and everything, figuring that surely they would have a position for him. After sweet-talking the Sales Manager's secretary, he got an interview.

The Sales Manager said, "Well, your grades are impressive, but we usually don't hire someone with less than 5 years experience."

The man said, "Tell ya what. Let me work strictly on commission for a week. If I don't sell, you owe me nothing. If I do sell, you can decide if you want to keep me on or not."

The Sales Manager agrees.

At the end of the first day, the man's boss decides to drop by and see how things are going. He asks him, "So, how many sales did you have today?"

The man answers, "One." His boss screams, "One?!? My wife's dumb nephew had 3 on his first day! How much was the sale?"

The man says, "Well, it was for $74,351.60."

The Sales Manager takes a step back and says, "$74,351.60, what did you sell."

He says, "Well, the only thing I really 'sold' was a box of fish hooks."

The boss says, "You sold somebody a box of fish hooks for that much?"

The man explains, "No. After he bought the hooks, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said, 'Up the coast.' So I told him he was going to need a heavier pole. Then I asked if he was going to fish from the shore. He said that he would like to go out on the water. So I told him that he was going to need a bigger boat and we went down to the marine section and he bought the 30'Chris Craft that we had. I asked him what he was going to pull it with and he said all he had was an old Buick. So we walked over to the Auto lot and I sold him that new Ford Excursion we had over there."

The boss was thoroughly impressed. He said, "Son, you're hired. I can't believe a guy came in here for some fish hooks and you sold him all that."

The boy says, "Well, he didn't really come in for the fish hooks. He came in for a box of tampons, and I said, 'Damn, your weekend's shot... you might as well go fishing.'"

 

[updated:LAST EDITED ON 21-Dec-01 AT 07:21 PM (EST)]I have a 2000 Excursion V10 that gets over 35mpg. The K&N filter I put on it gave me 50hp at the rear wheels! It is smooth ridin', just like a Town Car. I put in one of the Tornado thingies from TV and my mileage jumped up by 10mpg CITY!! Even with 4.56 gears!! The Duralube I put in the engine reduced friction to zero and since I use Amsoil, I never have to change my oil. Now my quarter mile times are hovering in the high 9's and top speed is 186mph. This is exactly how my truck shoulda been from the factory! Thank goodness for the aftermarket!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!! :-X12


(btw, aaaaa...just jokin')

 

My son just shared this one with me. (Gives you an idea what they learn in school.. ) PS - this is not my stab at policeman, I have great respect!

A boy was riding his bike, it was getting dark, he came upon a policeman mounted on a horse. The boy stopped to talk to him.

Boy: Hello.
Policeman: Hello, Did you get that bike for Christmas?
Boy: Yes.
Policeman: Neat, but you should have asked Santa for a bike light to mount on your handlebars.

The boy was dissappointed with his conversation and didn't reply. He went home, and told his parents of the conversation.
The next day the boy saw the same policeman and stopped to talk to him.

Policeman: Did you talk to your parents about our conversation?
Boy: Yes, I did.
Policeman: And what did your parents say?
Boy: (Looking puzzled, and afraid to answer) My Dad said that you should asked santa to put the "Dic#" on the bottom of that horse instead of on the top.

Merry Christmas to all! :-X12

Deb

 

A man is getting ready for bed one evening when his wife steps out of the shower and begins to dry herself off with a towel. As the man brushes his teeth, the woman pauses to study herself in the mirror. She says; "You know, I sure would like to have a boob job. I have always had small breasts and I hear the surgery is not all that bad these days." The man rinses his mouth and replies...."No need to spend all that money. I know how you can increase the size of your breasts for less than a buck. Every evening, take a wad of toilet paper and rub it between your ***** 3 or 4 times." His wife is puzzled...."How long will it take before my ***** get bigger?" "About 10 or 12 years" comes the reply. "10 or 12 YEARS!?!? What makes you think rubbing a wad of toilet paper between my ***** will make them bigger in 10 or 12 years !?!?!" The husband pauses, then replies..."Well, it worked for your butt."

 

Little Girl’s Fire truck


A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a plastic fire fighters helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration. “Thanks,” the little girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and to the cat’s *********. “Little partner,” the fire fighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go a little faster.” The little girl replied… “You are probably right but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”



1978 F-150 flareside. Primitive by todays standards but she was a jaw dropper back then. :-staun

 

[updated:LAST EDITED ON 24-Dec-01 AT 12:10 PM (EST)]I thought the Marines taught honor!! chuck p, you stole my joke and posted it on the same board! It was posted 2 weeks ago as TEXANS! Drop and give me 20!

 

What's the differnce in a chevy and a golf ball> you can drive a golfball 200 yards

whats the differnce in a chevy and a tampon? tampon comes with its own tow rope

what do ya always see in teh front of a chevy truck? Ford tow truck

why dont chevy car makers put ford motors in their cars? cuz theyre concerned bout the rest of the car

how do you double the value of a chevy truck? fill the gas tank

A texan was sittin in a old bar talkin bout how many women he'd been with, how much money he's got and how big a spread hes got. A younger guy asked him "just how much land you got?" Texan sayd, "well lemme tell ya this, you can start on one end of my land at dawn and drive all day without stoppin and you wouldnt even see the other end by dawn the next day" The other guy says "oh i know whacha mean, i used to drive one of em chevies too!"

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if it wasnt for our chevies our tools would rust

I never kept a chevy under me, i's always under the chevy

Tests's proved-speed kills. Drive a chevy and live forever

Is yer wife pregnant? want a girl? take her for a ride in a chevy truck, it'll shake the nuts off anything.

I'd rather have a sister in a *****house than a brother drivin a chevy

Any of y'all got any chevy jokes to add? please reply and happy New Year

 

Okay.. there are 3 guys in a bar.

One is a Texan, an Indian and a Minnesotan.

The texan takes a shot of Jose and when he is done takes his glass and throws it accross the room, it hits a wall and breaks. The the indian askes why he did that, and hte Texan replys, I own enough cattle and land in Texas, I dont need to drink out of the same glass twice.

So the Indian takes his shot of Whiskey and when he is done, does the same thing as the Texan did, by whipping the glass accross the room and causing it to break, the Texan askes why he did that, he tells him he owns enough casinos that he doesnt need to drink out of the same glass twice.

SO.... the Minnesotan takes his shot of Jim Beam and when he is done sets the shot glass on the bar. Pulls out his gun and shoots hte indian. The texan wondering why askes him why he shot the indian. The Minnesotan tells him there are enough indians where he lives he doesnt need to drink with the same one twice.

LOL I love this joke, sorry if I offend anyone with this. Have a great day.. and remeber to laugh, its one of the best things.