The Hole in the Ground


Boudreaux and Pierre were walking through the woods one day, when Boudreaux grabbed Pierre by the arm pulling him back. Boudreaux says, "Whooee, Pierre, look at dat big hole you almost stepped in!"
Pierre looks down into the hole, and says, "Whooee, Boudreaux, dat sure looks like a deep hole. I wonder how deep dat hole goes ?"

They find a rock, and throw it into the hole, listening to see how long it will take to hit the bottom. They don't hear anything. They find a bigger rock and repeat the process, but still don't hear it hit.

Pierre notices a railroad tie lying in the bushes, picks it up and throws it into the hole. While they are listening for the railroad tie to hit the bottom, a little billy goat comes running out of the bushes, runs right between them and jumps into the hole.

A few minutes later, their friend, Thibodaux comes walking through the bushes. Boudreaux says, "Hey Thibodaux, what you doin' way out here in de woods?"

Thibodaux answers, "Well I'm out here looking for my little billy goat."

Pierre says, "You want to hear sometin funny, Thibodaux? The strangest ting just happend. A little billy goat just came running out dem bushes, and jumped right in dat deep hole right dere."

Thibodaux says, "Oh dat couldn't have been my billy goat. My goat was tied to a railroad tie back in dose bushes!"

 

> The Hole in the Ground
>
>
>Boudreaux and Pierre were walking through the woods one day,
>when Boudreaux grabbed Pierre by the arm pulling him back.
>Boudreaux says, "Whooee, Pierre, look at dat big hole you
>almost stepped in!"
>Pierre looks down into the hole, and says, "Whooee,
>Boudreaux, dat sure looks like a deep hole. I wonder how
>deep dat hole goes ?"
>
>They find a rock, and throw it into the hole, listening to
>see how long it will take to hit the bottom. They don't hear
>anything. They find a bigger rock and repeat the process,
>but still don't hear it hit.
>
>Pierre notices a railroad tie lying in the bushes, picks it
>up and throws it into the hole. While they are listening for
>the railroad tie to hit the bottom, a little billy goat
>comes running out of the bushes, runs right between them and
>jumps into the hole.
>
>A few minutes later, their friend, Thibodaux comes walking
>through the bushes. Boudreaux says, "Hey Thibodaux, what you
>doin' way out here in de woods?"
>
>Thibodaux answers, "Well I'm out here looking for my little
>billy goat."
>
>Pierre says, "You want to hear sometin funny, Thibodaux? The
>strangest ting just happend. A little billy goat just came
>running out dem bushes, and jumped right in dat deep hole
>right dere."
>
>Thibodaux says, "Oh dat couldn't have been my billy goat. My
>goat was tied to a railroad tie back in dose bushes!"
>

 

Billy got out of school before his Dad got home from work most days- and since they lived outside of town, there really wasn't much to do. So he sat on the front porch of the farm house for a while until he remembered the story he heard in history class - all about how the young George Washington chopped down a tree and then admitted it, and was rewarded for his honesty...

There were no trees growing near the little house on the bluff, but eventually he spied the old outhouse that for some reason his Dad had left standing out behind the garage even though Momma always complained about it. One thought led to another, and he decided to do Momma a favor.

He took a long two by four, and stuck it under one side of the thing, heaved real hard, and sure enough - over it went! Sliding and rolling all the way down to the river below...


By and by, his Daddy showed up. The very first thing he wanted to know was who pushed the old outhouse over the edge of the bluff, and Billy proudly stated:

"I CANNOT TELL A LIE! I pushed the outhouse over the bluffside."

And his Dad beat the living daylights out of him...

"But DAD!!! George Washingtons poppa didn't beat HIM when he chopped down the cherry tree!!"

"BOY!!!" Hollered his Dad - "George Washingtons ol' man wasn't sitting in the #$@!% tree when it got CHOPPED DOWN!"

 

A salesman was going door to door when he came up on a farm house. When he approached the door he heard a strange noise and decided to look in the window before knocking. He saw an old lady standing in the kitchen pushing a running lawnmower back and forth. In the living room there was an old man with one hand in his pants and the other hand in the fish bowl.
The salesman said "THESE PEOPLE ARE NUTS" and moved on to the next house. After he gave his sales pitch to the neighbors he could could not quit thinking about what he had just seen. He said to the neighbor, can you believe your neighbors wife was pushing a running lawn mower in the kitchen and he just standing there with one hand in his pants and the other hand in the fish bowl? They must be crazy.! The neighbor replied, Theres nothing wrong with them, they are both deaf mutes. She telling him to get out there and mow the damn yard. And he was telling her to GO SCREW HERSELF!! HE's GOING FISHING!!

 

A woman was having an affair with a man and they happened to be in the bedroom one day when the woman's son came home from school early. She really wanted to finish the task at hand, so she locked her son in the closet. She and her lover were just picking up where they left off when her husband got home. She then made her lover get in the closet to hide.

The boy whispers to the man, "It sure is dark in here." The man replies, "Yep, sure is."

Boy says, "I've got a baseball." Man says, "That's nice."

Boy says, "Wanna buy it?" Man says, "How much?"

Boy says, "A hundred dollars." Man says, "No way!"

Boy says, "Ya know, my dad's out there." Man says, "OK, a hundred bucks."


A few weeks go by and the boy and man end up in the closet again.

Boy says, "Sure is dark in here." Man replies, "Yep."

Boy says, "I've got a baseball glove." Man says, "OK, how much?"

Boy says, "Three hundred dollars." Man says, "No way!"

Boy says, "My dad owns a big gun." Man says, "OK."

A few more weeks go by and the boy's dad comes home one day and wants to play catch with him. The boy says, "I can't. I don't have my ball and glove anymore."

Dad says, "What happened to them?" Boy replies, "I sold them to somebody."

Dad says, "For how much?" Boy says, "I got $100 for the baseball and $300 for the glove."

The dad says, "I can't believe you would take advantage of one of your little friends like that. I thought we raised you better. You're comin' with me down to the church and confess your sins."

The boy goes into the confessional and sits down. He says, "Sure is dark in here." Priest says, "Don't start that crap again."

 

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a
perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you
are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store
to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said
to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she
would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's
not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called
to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

 

"One Rugged Marine"

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One RUGGED MARINE is better than ten Taliban".
The Taliban commander quickly sends ten of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One RUGGED MARINE is better than a hundred Taliban".
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After about 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again, "One RUGGED MARINE is better than a thousand Taliban".
The enraged Taliban commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send anymore men! Those lying *******s! It's a trap. There are actually two of 'em!"

 

How come there are no Walmarts in Afganistan?



Because every other building is a Target!!!

 

At the beginning of a medical school class the professor announces: Let’s see who did their homework last night. Miss Smith, can you tell me what part of the human body enlarges to six times its normal size during excitation?

Miss Smith replies: Doctor, I consider that a rude question. I think you singled me out because I am the only woman in class; it was meant to embarrass me and make me feel uncomfortable. This is out of line and I intend to talk to the administration ...

Thank you Miss Smith, your objections are noted. We will get back to you. Can anyone answer the question?

A young man raises his hand in the back of the lecture hall and after being called on, responds: Yes, doctor, the part of the body that expand to six times its normal size during excitation is the pupil of the eye.

Excellent, Mr. Williams, thank you. Now as for you Miss Smith. Your reaction tells me three things about you: You have never been married; you did not do your homework last night, and ... You are going to be awfully disappointed.



Have a joyous and SAFE holiday season, guys 'n gals.:-X12

Raul

 

Biggest Pee Pee

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’".
"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.

"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."

The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.

"You win for sure," they both said.

Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"

"Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."

His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

:-staun

 

:-X12 REDNECK CHRISTMAS
Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.
The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I said, "Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL... YEE HAWWWW!
:-X12 :-X12

 

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.

"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."

:-X12

 

"Christmas Tradition"

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Clause told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence were out who knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, fustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of wiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his fustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cursed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

The bear and the rabbit...

One day a bear was walking through the woods and came upon a magic lamp. Just as he was bending over to pick up the lamp, a little rabbit came by. The bear didn't want the rabbit to get a shot at any wishes so he snatched up the lamp. Just as he swiped it, the rabbit grabbed on, rubbing it. A genie popped out and saw the two animals arguing over who gets the wishes. The genie, being very kind, decided he could just this once give 3 wishes to each of the animals. The bear, being very mean and selfish, demanded he get his wish first. The rabbit agreed, and so bear asked the genie to make all the other bears in the forest female bears. With that, the genie made all the other bears in the forest females, and the big iold bear got a great big grin on his face. The rabbit, still upset at bear's selfishness, wished for a helmet. Bear and genie look at each other in dumbfoundedness. "Why, little rabbit, would you waste a wish for anything, on such a small, meanial object?" asked the bear. The rabbit just stood there, thumping his foot, so the genie complied and gave the rabbit a helmet. The bear, still with a stange look on his face, turns to the genie and says, "Genie, I wish for all the bears in the surounding forests to be females". And with that the magical genie starts singing a seventies **** tune and POOF!! All the bears in the surrounding forest are females. The big old bear gets a very large grin on his face as the female bears sense this big male bear and they begin to flock towards him. The rabbit then asks the genie for a motorcycle. The bear and genie again stare in disbelief. "Why, Mr. Rabbit, would you want such a small wish when you could have ANYTHING in the world?!" asks the bear. The rabbit again just sits there, thumping his foot, remembering how cruel bear was when he tried to take the lamp for himself. So the genie complies and POOF, a small rabbit sized motorcycle appears next to rabbit. Bear, getting very greedy, and being the typical male bear he is, wishes for every bear in the world to be a hot female bear. The genie again starts humming the seventies **** music, grins to bear, wah chika wah wah...and POOF!!! Every bear in the world is now an attractive felame bear, and they are flocking towards this big masculine Mr. Bear, who by now is jumping up and down with excitement. The genie is grinning, knowing just what Mr. Bear is thinking, and almost forgets rabbit's third wish. "Ahem..." coughs rabbit. "Oh, I almost forgot...and your last wish little guy?" asks the genie. The rabbit puts on his helmet, adjusts it, climbs on his bike and starts it up. Bear and genie are very confused now, as all the female bears are getting closer to bear. The rabbit, still very angry at bear fro being so selfish, yells over the rumble of the little motorcycle to the genie, "I wish for every female bear in the world to be male bear-hating lesbians!!!" And with that, the little rabbit takes off fast, the genie grants the wish and disappears, and Mr. Bear, confused at what just happened, realizes he has a problem and goes chasing after rabbit, who is by now speeding farther and farther away on his motorcycle, as hundreds, thousands of female lesbian male-hating bears chase down this vile, discusting, selfish male bear.

The End.

So let that be a lesson to all you selfish male bears out there, there's always gonna be someone smarter 'n you! Gawd, I crack myself up sometimes!

Ryan

 

One of my co-workers had become friends with a pastor of a store front church. The pastor's church is called "Almighty God Tabernacle." On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. The pastor let it ring any times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways. The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night. The pastor couldn't figure out what the guy was talking about. Then the guy said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer." The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife. The man said, "That's OK. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but first, I prayed, 'God, if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.' At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to answer."