I found this on one of my other sites and thought it would make for a good laugh.

I thought that there may be some new cat "owners" after the holiday so
I would pass on some information that can be valuable to saving yourself
some serious injuries.

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick
themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in
their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt
where it hides and whisks it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary -
the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt
smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must
look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary
and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in
Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some
advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your
arm and head for the bathtub:

* Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack
of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try
to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him.
Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet
square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close
the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A
simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a
three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift
positions.)

* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the
skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and
know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls
tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh
gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak
jacket.

* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel
when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the
water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass
enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying
on your back in the water.

* Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to
simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice
your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a
rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are
taking part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

* Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival.
In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45
seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now
has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not
expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a
time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him
another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free
and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The
national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so don't expect
too much.)

* Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out
at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In
fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been
through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to
your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach
for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up
clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best
thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward
your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a
simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg.
He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your
defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him
a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.

Hope you enjoyed as much as I did. Have a good New Year.

Tom

 

"Cats have no handles.".....Aint that the truth !!!
AL.

 

https://www.ford-trucks.com/forums/s...ead.php?t=2650
https://www.ford-trucks.com/forums/s...d.php?t=191455

You're too late!

-Matt

 

Sounds like too much trouble.......just get a new cat with the "new cat" smell....

Or just put the cat in one of those portable cages, put it in the back of the truck and go to the car wash.......clean cat and clean truck for the price of one!

 

I have given many pet cats baths over the years and have never had to armor myself like that. A simple pair of welding gloves is all that is required for the stubborn cases. Most of the time I did not even have to do that. Cats do have a handle, it is the back of their necks. Applying the proper grip with a slight twist to hold the head back is all that is required. Do remember to hold the cat AWAY from the body. Feral cats, on the other hand, do require some special treatment. The "cage and hose" are the best method there.

 

I stopped bathing my cat a long time ago...I really hate the hairballs, not to mention the fur stuck to my tongue. I would be spitting out cat hairs for hours, you can never seem to get rid of them all. -TD

 

how long before you stop laughing? any one have one for a 100 lb. dog that needs a bath and the lake is frozen?

 

ROTFLMAO! I heard somewhere that if a housecat where the size of a lion, it would be the most dangerous animal on land. I get shredded just playing with my 10 lb. cat.

 

A PRICELESS picture!

-Matt

 

That is a job for... SUPER-GROOMER!!!

 

Bathing a cat is not for the faint of hart! If the sight of blood makes you weak or sick don't try. However if you like to sport scars and claim thin as battle injuries, then this may be for you!

P.S. keep a good supply of antibiotics, bandaids and paper towels (to clean up your blood from the floor) on hand.

 

You also forgot to mention earplugs, for the cat's yowling that sounds like an air raid siren is going off in your bathroom. In an enclosed shower, the acoustics will make your ears bleed.

 

My wife's cats are self-cleaning. When their not in use they automatically go into self-cleaning mode.

 

thanks eric!

 

HAHAHAHAHAHA ROTFALOL!!! i had that same problem!!!

HAHAHAHAAH


I just did the "10K mod" on my cat..... works great!!! now it's got a ton of acceleration off the line up to about the 16000 RPM redline!!! thinking about stright pipeing her and "cutting the cat!!"