man..... wow i feel for you, i dont have anything in my life that can compare to that.... but remember this, whatever doesnt kill you, makes you STRONGER

my mother gave me a story the other day that might bring you a little comfort.

sometimes we wonder "what did i do to deserve this?" or "why did God have to do this to me?" ... well here is a good explanation

a daughter is telling her mother how everything is going wrong, how shes failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her, and her best friend is moving away. meanwhile, her mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack and her daughter replies "absolutely mom i love your cake." "Here have some cooking oil" her mother offers. "Yuck" says her daughter. "how about a couple raw eggs?" "Gross, Mom!" "would you like some flour then?, or maybe baking soda?" "mom those are all yucky!" To which the mother replies: "yes, all those things seem awfully bad all by themselves. but when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!"

God works the same way. many times we wonder why he would let us go through such bad and difficult times. but God knows that when he puts these things all in his order, they always work for good. we just have to trust him that he will make something wonderful. God is crazy about you. he sends flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. whenever you want to talk, hell listen even though he may not reply.

just trust in God man, my story might not help much but i hope it does.

hope i dont get in trouble for this one from anybody.

Also, your ex will be judged in the end, and shes going to have to face up to what shes done to you and your family.

 

I thought that in MN, if you were married to the child's mother at the time of conception, you were legally considered the child's father, even if you weren't (my cousin is the proud father of twins in this same fashion) the biological donor. Hence the child support that will not go away. But paying child support should garner you parental rights. I she is refusing you visitation, she is violating your parental rights and you should have recourse through legal channels. This means that you need to call your lawyer. Even if you're not the child's father, you are her daddy, and have legal rights as such.

 

Parks,
Dude, I don't profess to know what you're going through and I know its gotta be tough, but hang in there man. Take each day at a time and thank god for the 2 children you have with you. My thoughts are with you.

 

Regardless of who the sperm donor was, you are still the FATHER of this child. You are the one who loves her, has nutured her and have been the guiding influence in her life. To her, you are the father and that is the critical distinction. How is this situation any different than if you and your wife had adopted this child? See through your pain and anger and let your future actions be predicated on what is best for the child, not necessarily what is best for you or the spouse.

 

Did you sign paternity papers at the hospital when she was born? If so I am pretty sure she will have to fight you to give up those rights even if you are not the biological father...I would look into this...
Hang in there!!!
Thoughts are with you!

 

Wow what a Blow I would not love the child anyless its Not her fault that You Scank of a soon to be Ex cheated behind your back You raised the little girl dont forget tha t Hope everything turns out for the best

 

All I have to really say is Biological means nothing. A father is someone who is there for a child and hopefully throughout their whole life. Rememeber that first. Second , as big as the shock is it is actually quite common. I feel for you and you have been played a terrible injustice. But, you love that kid and that is all that matters- a good lawyer will make certain you get custody of some sort. I was raised that the male was always the no good rat, low life , who cheats etc., Well, My life savings gone a couple times, 3 failed long term realtionships, numerous trips through court and the daily stress and problems. Well , I was told wrong. Funny they have all been similar to your wife. There is a subculture of women that are nothing more than snakes. To have a child and say it is yours , then not yours is a low form of life and you better be glad she is gone. I live in a small town whereas I know of several people in your shoes. And I have to say it is all the womans fault in these instances. I have never understood why people just don't go there seperate ways instead of putting others through their games - as your wife chose to do with your child. What kind of human would knowingly do so ? The only bit of advice I really can give you having seen my share of stupid S#@T relationships is watch your back with this lady - obviously she has no morals. SHe may further attempt to have you falsely acussed of abuse to her or the children. So, that you wind up in jail and lose chances of being around the daughter you love. I just got out of a relationship whereas her children had before me acussed 4 ex boyfriends of molesting them- dragging them through court and destroying their name. Why because mommy got dumped and she didn't like it- so pay back time. I never was acussed of that . But, I did get my front teeth broke out when I walked out of a public restroom miding my own business from guess who the poor girl that I dumped wielding apiece of pipe. I even thought I was tricking this time and acted like I didn't know about her boyfriend and making her think she won-- well it back fired as even though she had her game on the side- when I said good bye- then hell started. I feel sorry for you because this is probably not the only thing she is going to put you through. Just stay away from her tape your phone calls with her( if legal in your state) and have people with you when you go to pick up the children. These snakes will do anything to win- obviously anyone who would create a child under false pretenses will do anything. Cover your back always - be strong and doing anything to minimize problems with her and move towards keeping your relationship with the kids at the best it can be. Believe me, children grow up to see who loved them , who didn't , and who caused them un-needed BS. Be there for your kids that is all that matters now. You may want to find someone who you can talk to locally- you have been dealt a damn low blow. You will go on to bigger and better things. You love those children and that is all that matters-period. I wish you luck- Dont' give you ex my number _ I have seen plenty of her types. I will say for any woman that is offended- there are just as many low life guys out there. Quite frankly our society is filled with too many dyfunctional losers. I still have faith that there is someone out there for everyone- I just wish all these low lifes wouldn't waste all of the rest of "OUR" time- they need to keeo with their own.

 

you have been her father all the years of her known life, so your still her father!

 

There are a multitude of sperm donors in the world. The same can't be said about Fathers. Regardless of biology, you're her father.

 

We were not married in Minnesota, The child was not concieved in Minnesota, & the child was not born in Minnesota.
But yes, The child is considered mine because of the marriage unless it is proven otherwise. The proof is now on the table.


I'm reading alot of that in this thread. OK, she just turned 3 a couple weeks ago. I haven't seen her in 14 months. Are you even sure that she would remember who I was after 14 months? I also know that her mother is saying that she isn't mine. I'm sure this is being said in front of her. Who is the child going to believe? I would say Mommy.

Understood, but how can I be there for her if I'm not allowed to see her? You see where I'm going with this?
When this all began over a year ago, she (the crazy ex) would call all the time asking for money. This is long before child support was set. I would ask her for what?
She then would list a bunch of items just for the baby. I would go to Wal-Mart & buy what she said she needed & other things I thought would add a extra twist. usually totaled well over a $100.00.
This only happened a couple times. then she no longer called me for help. I was smart in that case because I found out later that she wanted cash to go partying & was upset that I bought things that she said she needed instead.

A know a good lawyer will help eliviate the problem. But a good lawyer costs money. Money is a rare thing around my house after paying the bills, child support for the child that isn't mine, & supporting the 2 that are mine living in my home.
I'm defending myself in this divorce. I must be doing a good job at it to since she is on her third lawyer since it started. She can't afford a lawyer either, but since she claimed domestic abuse she was able to use the free legal aide services.

I am watching my back with her. You speak as if you know her, seriously. That is why I'm really thinking about giving up & walking away. That way I would not have to deal with the sycotic woman. I have the 2 kids that are mine biologically & they know who their daddy is.

I don't need people with me to pick up the kids. I have the 2 that are mine biologically. She won't let me see the little one & I haven't seen her in 14 months. I'm sure she has been introduced to many new daddies in that time to where she probally doesn't even remember who the hell I am.

 

Hey man,
My prays are with you. I have 4, 3 mine and a stepdaughter, but she IS my child and always will be. Don't let that take away from loving her. She WILL ALWAYS think of YOU as DADDY and nothing else. Hold your head up ( its hurts and always will ) but this should only give a reason to love them all more. GOD BLESS

john
1965 F100 swb I6

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by e1p1
Parks...regardless of any test you will always be daddy to that girl in HER heart as well as yours, even at 3.

Parks answered:
I'm reading alot of that in this thread. OK, she just turned 3 a couple weeks ago. I haven't seen her in 14 months. Are you even sure that she would remember who I was after 14 months? I also know that her mother is saying that she isn't mine. I'm sure this is being said in front of her. Who is the child going to believe? I would say Mommy.

New answer by e1p1:
Parks...I think she'd still remember you at present, and that it's not too late for her to be saved by your getting custody.

But you're right in a sense, that if the little girl is kept from you long enough she will not remember you much if at all, and could likely be poisoned against you by your ex. But anything could happen. If the girl is an exceptional child she may someday see her mother for the twisted soul she is, and may wonder about you, and come looking.

If so, some day she may well rebel against her twisted mother. That's why I mentioned writing and saving letters for her, to at least let her know she had and has always had a truly loving parent. It could be for naught, or it could be a lifeline for her to her growth towards being a healthy person.

She could be just as screwy and dangerous as her mother (unfortunately very likely) but also turn out mostly all right...it's impossible to say which. My best friend was abandoned by his mother at age 5, and his dad was very distant...and my friend, while having a few issues around acceptance/rejection, is a stellar person.

Look, I don't pretend to be all knowledgable on this. I'm brainstorming. I know that I would be just as torn as you right now, if in your position. You consider yourself her Daddy, even though she's not your blood...that speaks volumes about you.

But you also feel a duty to not bankrupt yourself or your sons, both financially and emotionally...at some point it (the fight) will be too harmful to you all. Where that point is none of us out here is wise enough or has a right to tell you.

If you can't pursue the legal route and/or get the mother declared unfit, at least by writing letters to her means you haven't completely given up.

Two things. Google the term "borderline personality disorder". A shrink I know says your ex sounds like one. Learn about it, and if you agree, it may give some insight on how to proceed, and what to be wary of. There are many books on them. Among other things, borderlines tend to raise/create other borderlines, if there isn't another healthy parent around.

A classic borderline pattern is to love/overvalue someone or thing, then reject the loved one abruptly. The borderline goes back and forth like this. A kid raised like this becomes like this as a defense against the inconsistency. A good lawyer may be able to use this(?).

Second, try contacting Glenn Sacks of http://www.glennsacks.com . He does Men's Advocacy stuff. It's a longshot, but he may have useful suggestions for you.

Good luck, and strength to you.

Erik

 

I'm so sorry to read of your terrible, terrible situation, Daniel. I honestly don't know what to say, or how anyone could possibly comfort you now. The woman you loved and supported stabbed you in the back with your own hopes, and then wants money for it. I don't want to say what I think of her on this forum, though.

I have a step mom who basically came into my dad's life acting as a the wonderful woman he's been waiting for since my mom left him for our PASTOR, who betrayed us... a few years after marrying my dad, she successfully maneuvered me right out of my dad's life and home, and basically expresses her hatred for me every time she see's me (at family parties with relatives, who all see right through her). Every time I try to give my brother (from her and my Dad) a hug, she glares at me until I leave the room, and still my father does nothing. I still try to look up to my dad, and remember who he was before my stepmom changed him, and what a loving father he was (and still is, when it's just me and him off spending time together, or on the phone, when she's not around).

I now live with my mother who knows the mistakes she made, but now has problems with the abusive man she left my dad for, and we move back and forth form my aunt's to her husband's home every few months. He has successfully put their business into utter turmoil with debt, has had drug problems, and extreme anger and verbal abuse toward my mother, and yet she continues to stay married to him, because of her views on divorce (which I hold as well, but in some cases must happen, and which she ignored 11 years ago with my dad) and because she doesn't want to "make a mistake again." Not to mention my half sister (from my stepfather and mother) who has been so messed up by living her whole life in this situation that she'll obviously have some problems with men when she's older, and I'm guessing she'll look for an abusive boyfriend/husband, considering that's the father she's always known who treats her mother that way.

I guess I said all this because it felt good to type and get it all out, because I haven't in a while, but maybe it will help you too, Parks. I know sometimes when I think I have it bad, and hear that others do too, it helps me realize that we all go through tough things in life, and that with strength and courage and perseverance we can always get through it and be better men because of it.

I'll be praying for you, Daniel Parks.

 

You will always be her father. When I was 5 my Mom told me she wasn't my biological mother. Later I found out my 'Mom' left me and my Dad when I was a year or so old. My Dad and my Mom got divorced when I was in 5th grade. To this day she is my Mom, Mother and no one can take that away. She raised me when I was young and is always there when I need her. No matter how faraway we are we still love each other. My wife calls her Mom and my sons call her Grandma. We don't worry about blood, we love her 'cause because of who she is.

If you can keep contact with her that will help. When she gets older she will look you up and then you will be able to reunite.

 

i hear you ryan... my mom remarried but her new guy and i don't get along. he needs to be the centre of attention 24/7 and whenever i visit i feel unwelcome. he doesn't work so when mom's not around he sits at the computer and ignores me. he thinks he knows everything and always has to interrupt you to best you. he spends her money like it grows on trees. everywhere you look there's boxes full of cd's haven't been opened, clothes with the tags on them. my mom makes good money but she's broke from living it up with this man.

when i visit around the holidays instead of talking and catching up we all have to watch football with him or he'll feel left out and make a scene. but he just sits there flipping back and forth between one game, another game, a movie while my mom sits there trying to get interested in the game with him. once i poured my mom a glass of wine when she came home from work. i'd cleaned up their yard and i was having a beer and wanted her to join me. he came in from his computer and literally had a tantrum that he'd been left out and made her cry. at a party he upset everyone because my mom and my sister were playing the piano together and he wanted to play one of his cd's.

the last time i was there last i had some car trouble and all he did was complain that my truck was in the way of his garbage cans and i had to get it out of there. it became this fight between me and my mom. she said he was the man in her house and i had to respect him because she deserved to be happy. i'm all for my mom being happy but i feel we're all getting the short end of a really dysfunctional relationship.

i mean they have two double garages, a circular driveway and his weekly chore besides picking up groceries and renting DVD's is to take out the trash. but my truck in the way.

the whole thing left me feeling bitter because i'd just bought a house, i was laid off from work, and i wasn't in any position to buy another car. i wasn't asking for money. just needed them to cut me a little slack while i got parts to get my truck going. instead i had to sell my truck on the cheap so we could just get the hell out of there

so now i don't visit anymore. they came here once for a day and it was another disaster. we went for breakfast and her guy started calling me cheap because i left the waitress 5$ tip on a 30$ bill. i didn't argue with him but everyone could see i was ****ed. i was ****ed because my girlfriend threw in a few extra bucks and i didn't like that. that's her money she works hard for and it was my treat. and what really bugged me was after my mom told my girlfriend that i was probably going to complain about it. of course i was ****ed but i held my tongue.

but i just don't think it's fair or normal even that she lets him behave this way towards the rest of her family that it's pushing us away. she says he gets depressed. that she has her ways to make him do things. but its baloney. i see her sitting there watching football, asking about the plays and he just ignores her, finds another game during the commercial. they listen to his music, entertain his friends. she stopped going to church choir even and he's never taken her to the opera or shown any kind of interest in anything she does. it's all just really messed up but there's nothing i can say about it. so i appreciate you all for just letting me vent