carpe-

I think maybe you oversimplify those situations where someone might not get everything they need so it's everyones fault.

Some people have a need to engage in deviant behavior and that is not the fault of the partner...

For example- is Precilla Presley at fault cause Michael prefers boys?

 

Your situation sounds slightly familiar.
I was married for 14 years. My husband had a really bad anger problem. The ywas no communication between the two of us except fights. I was the quiet and shy type. Well, that al started to charge by our tenth year together. I learned to fight back. I wasn't pretty from then on. I didn't take his crap anymore, and I started to pull completely away from him. I started doing things on my own, and I found a new feeling of independence...and I liked it. By the twelth year, I don't him that I didn't love him anymore, and I told him everything that I had been feeling over the years. He changed somewhat, for the good, but the damage was done, and I had no patience anymore. I made a big mistake, and had a one night stand. It wasn't something I thought through, and it was the stupidist things I have ever done in my life. I resent the statement of once a cheater, is always a cheater. Because that is not true for me. I was confused, and I needed to feel loved with no emotoinal turmoil. Someone who has never been in a situation of daily emotional torture can not understand how lonely that is. And the only reason I allowed myself to stay in my married situation, is because I have two young girls. I wanted to stick around for them.
Does this sound familiar?
What leads to the breakdown of marriage?
You need to have communication between each other. You need to be honest with each other. You need to be willing to hear the good and the bad. And you need to do this before the love is gone.
My ex is a 95% different person now. I love him as a friend, and we are closer to each other now because of the honesty. Unfortunately, it all came too late to save the marriage. We live in a two family home now. He is in the upstairs apartment, and I'm in the downstairs. Although this will only be for a couple of years, it turned out to be an ideal arrangement for our girls.
I'm sorry to hear of your pain ToughL. The pain of being cheated on is unimaginable. I caught a glimpse of it, when I made a hard man cry.
You need to now take a deep breath, and look at your situation with new eyes. How far gone is she from you emotionally? If it is pretty far, she isn't coming back. Then you need to think about your own sanity, and let go. Next you need to be as civilized as possible for your child. Nastiness between two people makes everything worse, and it's not healthy for you.
I offer my sincere shoulder for you to cry on....
And I do feel for you.

 

Toughlover,

I don't know how old you are but 3 unsuccessful marriages is not a good record.

I suspect marriage #3 is beyond saving. There has been some good advice given here - especially about trying to keep your future relationship with her civil , for the sake of your child.

I urge you to seek professional councilling. I'm not suggesting that you're crazy or anything like that. You need to understand (truly understand) why these relationships are not working. You say you're willing accept 49 to 51 percent of the blame for this last one and that's good - if you really mean it. If you are willing to be 100% honest with a councillor, he/she will be able to uncover what you've been doing wrong to make 3 relationships fail and hopefully put you on a better path for the future.

It won't work however, unless you are prepared to be open and honest with this councillor.

We all need help of some level at some point in our lives. Don't be ashamed to ask for it. With the large cross section of folks on this forum, I have no doubt that many in here have had help of some sort at some time. Life can be long or life can be short - take the steps to make it more enjoyable.

Sorry for preaching....

 

I agree with ferguson.
My ex has been going to counceling for over a year now (so have I). It took alot for him to go, but he realized he had a problem he couldn't understand, let alone fix. He is seeing one for his anger, and another for depression. These two councelors are angels. They are the reason for his change. He now has a better realationship with our children. He also has at least a talking relationship with his mother, who he previously hadn't spoken to for years.
Councelors will help you to at least find some peace, in your mind and soul. But you might have to try a couple out, before you find the right one.

 

Counseling IMO works for some folks but TOUGHLover in you case its probably over. I just finished my third divorce and quite frankly have had it with relationships. Your best bet is to end it and the two of you concentrate on doing whats best for your young one.

The once a cheater always a cheater statement IMO is right on! My first and second wife cheated and with the second one thats why i now have full custody of my Daughters due to her running around on her second husband. The sad part of that is that my girls know what kind of person she really is.

 

Isn't the divorce rate in the USA around 50%?

Not good odds, in my book.

Glenn doesn't deserve this kind of crap.

XXL

 

I mean't councilling for toughlover - alone. So he can figure out what his issues are and hopefully avoid him making the same mistakes again. I don't see this relationship as salvageable.

I'm suggesting councilling for him to figure out who he really is/what he's doing that leads him into these relationships.

I'm not saying (soon to be) 3 divorces are his fault. But what is it that causes three consecutive relationships to progress all the way inot marriage and then fall apart?

Is he jumping in too fast? and why is that?

Is he not looking clearly at the people he starts relationships with? Why?

Is he too afraid of being alone that he makes major concessions/comprimises that he later learns he cannot accept? Why?

He needs to figure out what got him into these messes so he can try to avoid a 4th one.

(It was so much easier in the 60's when just did a lot of pharmaceuticals to "find ourselves' )

In Canada, if you can get your medical doctor to reccomend the need for a therapist, the health plan pays for it.(....so I'm told)

Later,

 

" Your best bet is doing whats best for your young one." Glenn My wife has been through this 4 times, I'm #5 .This is my 1st. WE dated for 3 years before doing the wedding thing, I did adopted the two kids from her last marriage. In all the times she has talked the one thing that keep comeing up was cammutation, there was none. For the young one, lots of love,good strong shoulder, talks, and lots of huggs. MUST KEEP IT CIVIL WITH HER!!! DO NOT ARGUE with the young one in the room/house. We will pray for your kid and you. Be strong it all will pass in time.

 

Sorry to hear that... I hope everything goes ok for you and you'll be happy again soon.
Get on with life, whether you stay with her or not... You have to get on with your life
and take care of your kid

 

Hey TL, if a woman cheats on you, she was not the right woman at all. There will be more out there, better ones out there. Eventually, the right woman will come along, and you will know it. Hope you feel better.

 

Your dignity is not gone. "The real problem is we have a 2 year-old son involved - I do NOT want him to go through what I went through as a kid. " You have pride and ownership in a son. Focus on that and let no one come between you and what is right for your son. You may have made some mistakes, but know you must look out after him. He is the one who has no one else to turn to.

You have my prayers of support. Use them.

 

You folks are incredible. I am in awe of the number, and depth, of the responses. Even the few negative comments were honest - heart-felt, I'm sure, - and sobering (helpful) for me.

To you gentlemen, I must admit that I am suprised by the support - you're good men - thank you one and all.

I think what's holding me up though is something NH-Hottie alluded to - something to the effect of whether she (the woman I married) is too far gone emotionally, or too emotionally detached. That is the big question for me as she has flip-flopped, been vague, for two years. I suppose she is confused.

I also suppose I need to allow her to be confused - rather than trying to sway (pressure/manipulate) her (?).

Thank you ALL again - I really can't thank you enough.

glenn...

 

Take care Glenn, you have a bunch of friends here.