1. NAMES> if Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately referto each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT >When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom
will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY > A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS > A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS > A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS > Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but
when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE >A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS >A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE > A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP > A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL > Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING >Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY > Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying A word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



Does this seem about right to all yall???????

 

hit the nail on the head!!!!!!!!!!1

 

I live with two of the female species...... Life is totally chaotic, and it is not worth my while trying to sort it out.

Theo

 

theo...
yeah because just when you have it all figured out...it'll change and you'll be back at the beginning again!

 

Yes mam. No mam. Of course I did. I sure do. Any time you like. No, it's nothing. If that's what you want. Is there anything else? No, I don't mind a bit. You know I do! No, I don't love you like I used to - I love you more! I know. Yes, but its just because of you.

My normal phone conversation with my Little Darling.

Would I act like this without her? Are you kidding?

The difference between men and women is like an abyss with thousands of miles between us, but what pulls one on one together is Love.

Never underestimate the Power of God! When's the last time you had a good dose of it?

 

i think someone posted this before but hell it's as funny now

 

Here's a guide on interpreting singles ads:


Women’s Ads


40-Ish: 49
Adventurer: Slept with all your friends
Artistic Temperament: Suffers from bipolar disorder
Athletic: No ****
Average looking: For a basset hound
BBW: Built like Jabba the Hutt
Beautiful: Pathological liar
Blonde: Poster child for Clairol
True blonde: Dumb as a box of rocks
Buxom: Fat
Contagious smile: Does a lot of Ecstasy
Curvaceous: Fat
Educated: Banged her political science professor
Emotionally secure: Medicated
Feminist: Bitter, fat ball-buster
Free spirit: Junkie
Friendship first: Trying to live down a bad reputation
Fun: Annoying as hell
Gentle: Comatose
Good listener: Autistic
New-Age: All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned: Lights out, missionary position, once a month
Older men OK: Bring your checkbook on the first date
Open-minded: Desperate
Outgoing: Loud and embarrassing
Passionate: Sloppy drunk
Poet: Incredibly full of herself
Professional: Certified bitch
Realistic: Man-hater but wants to get laid
Redhead: Bad dye job
Rubenesque: Grossly fat
Romantic: Looks better by candlelight
Social: Been passed around like an hors d’oeuvres tray
Voluptuous: Very fat
Weight/height proportionate: Pear shaped and saggy
Wants soul mate: Stalker
Widow: Drove first husband to shoot himself
Working on losing weight: Fat
Young at heart: Old bat
Zaftig: Disgustingly fat


Men's Ads

40-Ish: 52 and looking for 25-year-old
Athletic: Watches a lot Of NASCAR
Average looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated: Will patronize the **** out of you
Free spirit: Banging your sister
Friendship first: As long as friendship involves nookie
Good-looking: Arrogant
Very good-looking: Dumb as a board
Handyman: Good With a remote and a six-pack
Honest: Pathological liar
Huggable: Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle: Insecure mama's boy
Mature: Older than your father
Open-minded: Wants to sleep with your roommate but she won't
Physically fit: Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet: Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive: Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive: Gay
Spiritual: Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable: Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful: Says "Excuse me" when he belches
Young at heart: The sound of his farts still cracks him up