Thursday laugh!
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Thursday laugh!
1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
=======================================
2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I
think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and
generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in
the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
=================================
3. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different
issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say
"I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone.
(Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.)
Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not
sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95
to say, "I'm not in the mood."
===============================
4. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
=================================
5. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy
Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Going out.....entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
===============================
6. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."
Beep.
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
=====================================
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
=======================================
2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I
think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and
generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in
the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
=================================
3. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different
issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say
"I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone.
(Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.)
Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not
sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95
to say, "I'm not in the mood."
===============================
4. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
=================================
5. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy
Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Going out.....entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
===============================
6. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."
Beep.
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
=====================================
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Dec 3, 2004 12:01 AM
