I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began
to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades
were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.


Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front
window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large
rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I
grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my
blades
and they worked just fine.


What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?

 

Three old men are sitting around a table out in central Arizona having coffee one day.
One guy looks at his friend to his right and asks, "Hey, Joe. Isn't this yours and your wife's 50th anniversary?"
Joe replied, "Yep. Sure is."
The third man asked, "Well, what are you gonna get your bride for her anniversary?"
Old Joe sat there for a couple minutes thinking and then said, "Well, I took my wife to Phoenix for our 25th anniversary. I guess I could go get her and bring her back."

 

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took many pictures of the Dwarves and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch, she took the film to be developed. After a week or so, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Snow White was so disappointed that she started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said kindly, "Don't worry, someday your prints will come."

 

Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and,being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.
Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed. The next school day, Mrs.Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week?
Do you know her?" Timmy nonchalantly replied,"Yea, I know who she is." The little friend said, "Well who is she?" "That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said. "Shirley Goodnest?
Who the heck is she and why is she following us? "Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says, "Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life." so I guess I'll just have to get used to it.

 

(The Greywolf's revenge)

A very old looking man owned a home on a sidestreet in a small town, and even though he seemed of great age - he was apparently the most cheerful fellow for miles!

Wrinkles ran riot down his face, and most of his hair was fallen out. There was but one solitary tooth in his lower jaw...

And yet - seemingly loaded with energy he called to everyone who passed by as he sat on his front porch, hailed all, and rang cheery greetings upon all and sundry, and eventually a local newspaper person stopped on the way to his office and questioned the man:

"You know? You are probably the most active person in this township, always full of good cheer - and yet you look as if you are also the oldest person in the state! I am curious; how do you manage to maintain your good spirits?"

"Well sir" admitted the man on the porch "I drink a gallon of Whiskey a day."

"GOOD LORD!" exclaimed the newsman...

"And I also smoke nine packs of Pall Mall unfiltered, and I smoke crack a lot" admitted the man "Not to mention all of the beer, pot, miscellanious pills and various stupid stuff that I get into..."

"But, but, but..." stammered the reporter "this is unheard of - statistically you shouldn't even be alive! HOW OLD ARE YOU ANYWAY?"

"Twenty three" he stated, smiling quietly...

 

The teacher saw that Billy was having a problem. He was squirming in his seat and occasionally pulling at his pantlegs. Since he was normally one her best behaved 2nd graders, she decided to investigate.
She walked down the aisle to his desk.
"Billy, i notice you seem to be having a hard time sitting still. Is something the matter?"
Billy was silent for a few moments and then motioned for the teacher to lean down close to his desk.
"My mommy took me to the doctor yesterday to get circumsised and I'm really uncomfortable. I'm sorry."
"Well, Billy, it's not your fault. Why don't you go call your Mom and ask her what she thinks you should do?"
Billy made the call and returned to his desk. All was well for about 5 minutes and then the girl next to Billy gasped. Soon the students around him were whispering to one another and snickering.
Upon investigating, the teacher discovered Billy sitting quietly at his desk with his privates exposed.
"Billy, what are you doing?"
"Well, I called my mom and she said if I could stick it out till noon she'd come get me."

 

The Third Grade teacher decided it was a good time for "Career Day" so she asked her students what their dads did for a living.
A little girl stood up and proudly said, "My Daddy is a Doctor. He makes sick people well again."
A little boy stood up and he proudly said, "My Daddy is a Dentist. He fixes people's teeth."
Then another little girl stood up and she said, "My Daddy is the District Attorney. He puts bad people in jail."
The teacher noticed that little Johnny Woods was sitting at his corner desk being very quiet, so she asked, "Johnny, what does your father do?"
Little Johnny Woods stood up, looked at the floor and said, "My Daddy is a strip dancer at a gay nudie bar and...." The teacher interrupted him and quickly changed the subject.
When recess time came, all the kids ran out, but the teacher stopped Johnny and asked him, "Johnny, is your daddy really a strip dancer at a gay nudie bar?"
"No," Johnny said. "Actually he's the offensive coordinator for the Oakland Raiders, but I was too embarrassed to say that."

 

so this dyslexic walks into a bra.......

 

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
* Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
* Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
* Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
* Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?


You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
*Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
* Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?


Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
* Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
*Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
* Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
* Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
*Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
* Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
* Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
* Anita, age 9 (Bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
* Kelvin, age 8


"And the #1 Favorite is........"

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
*Ricky, age 10

 

Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.

 

There's the story about the guy who was out walking around town. Suddenly, the place gets hit with an A-Bomb. He survives, but finds that he's all alone. He wanders around for a while and finally he can't take it anymore. There's nobody to talk to. So he decides to put an end to it all. He goes up to the top floor of a bombed-out building and throws himself off the side. On the way down, he's passing the 16th floor and that's when he hears a phone ring.

 

The care taker at the cemetery where Beethoven is buried was tending his grave when he noticed music comming from under where he lay. Closer he listened and noticed that the music was Beethoven's 5th playing backwards. Quickly he ran to tell his boss about the discovery. His boss reassured him that it was normal. "He's just decomposing".

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "does this taste funny to you"?

 

What do you call a cow with the shakes?













Beef Jerky.