The Magic Mirror



A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are in a bar when the bartender tells them about a magic mirror in the ladies’ room. “Apparently,” he says, “the mirror gives rewards if you stare into it and say something true. But if you lie, you’re sucked into the mirror and never heard from again.”

So the redhead goes to the bathroom, looks into the mirror, and says, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in this bar.” A million dollars suddenly appears before her.

Then the brunette heads into the bathroom, looks into the mirror, and says, “I think I’m the smartest woman in this bar.” The key to a new Ferrari materializes in her fingers.

Then the blonde goes in, looks into the mirror, and begins, “I think…” And she’s sucked in and never heard from anymore...


A waitress at a bar leaned over the counter and asked an Ole' boy: "Can I tell you a secret?"
And he said "Sure..."
So she told him something that was scandalous...
A week later, he showed up and she was all on fire!
"I done told you it was a secret!" she hissed.
"Then why did you tell it to ME???" he said, bluntly...

 

Heres a joke for you Wolfie
Three couples are waiting in line to get into heaven.

St. Peter asks the first man: "Why do you feel you deserve to get into heaven?"

The man answers: "I have been a faithful husband all these years!"...."True", St. Peter answers back, "However, you loved money so much you went so far as to marry a woman named Penny,...so I am sending you both to Purgutory for a few years to think this over."

Asks the second man "What have you done that you feel is good enough for entry into Heavan?".....The second man thinks for a moment and then answers confidently

"I was a good provider for my wife!"...

"True enough", St. Peter agrees...."Yet your love of drinking promted you to marry a woman named Sherry"....and yet again St. Peter sent the couple to think this over for a few years in Purgutory...

The third man grabs his wifes hand and angrily stomps after the second couple and says to her

" NO use in us even going up to him, now is there Fanny???"

 

A fella's fiance carries him out to the family home to meet the folks...

Sure enough she run off to the kitchen, and he is left in the front room with her Dad, the dog Duke, and her Dad is reading the paper.

Dad is in a Lazy Boy, and Duke decides to lay next to him on the couch.

Not bad, but he had a snack at Taco bell, and it's sure enough brewin' up...

He can't hold the pressure no more - so finally a small "BRRRRRR" escapes into the pillows under him.

The paper rattles, ole boy looks over the paper at him, and Duke...

"Duke..." he says, meaningfully....

And after a while goes back to his paper.

"Oh GREAT!" thinks the guy. "He thinks the dog done it! Maybe I can let off a bit more..." and so he - "BRRRRRRRP!"

And again the paper rattles, the eyeglasses are tilted down, and the man says: "Duke..."

A minute passes.

Man goes back to his paper.

Time passes.

The boy decides to just unload, and does: "BROOOOOAAAAAAAHHH....."

This time the Dad folds his paper up, lays it down, folds his glasses and puts them into his shirt pocket and declares:

"DUKE! YOU BETTER MOVE BEFORE THE MAN POOPS ON YOU!!!"

 

Here is another one Wolfie. You should like it.
Good Dog
A man walks out of a store and observes a funeral procession like he'd never seen before.

There's a hearse followed by another hearse and a man in black walking a dog on a leash following the 2 hearses. Behind the man is a line of 200 other men single file following him. It made him so curious that he walks to the man following the hearse and says "I am sorry for your loss but I have never seen such a funeral procession before. What has happened?" The man replies " my dog here attacked and killed my wife. The second hearse is for my mother in law who tried to help my wife and the dog attacked and killed her too." The man absorbs this and ask "can I borrow your dog?" The man replies "Yes, but you have to get in line."

 

**_Excerpts from a Dog's Diary_**



8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



**_Excerpts from a Cat's Diary_**



Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed

hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the

rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to

keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of

escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.



Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly

demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made

condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

*******s!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was

placed in solitary confinement for the durati on of the event.

However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my

confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this

means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my

tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this

again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and

seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.



The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the

guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors

have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is

safe. For now.. .

 

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. -Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. -Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. -Sigmund Freud

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.

 

IF you can't Hunt it, Fight it, Scratch it, Dig in it, Eat it, Drink it, Fornicate with it, Sleep next to it, Share with it, Play with it, or Love it -

**** on it....

 

Heard on the "John Boy & Billy Show" - A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck woman were drinking at a bar one night - The Mexican chugged his last beer, threw the mug in the air, drew his revolver and shot it. "Our beer mugs are so cheap, we don't need to drink from them again." This impressed the Arab so he chugged his beer, threw the mug into the air and sprayed it with his AK-47 and said, "We have so much sand to make more, we don't need to drink from the same mug twice." The Redneck chick, not to be outdone, chugged her beer, pulled out her .45, shot the Mexican and the Arab and said, "There are so many illegals in America, we don't need to drink with them twice."

 

Four married guys go fishing
After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they ask him. " You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy:" I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex."

She said, "Wear sun-block."

 

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

 

Everybody tells prospective buyers that the truck they lookin' at runs like a top. "It's got a new engine I traded from my buddy over there..."

Which usually means it has problems, and is about down to the brass in the lower end...

But if you really want to see a buyer get cagey, tell them this:

"Yup. I rebuilt it myself..."

(Tell me that ain't true)

 

An old man was sittin' watchin' TV one night when one of them commercials for Viagra comes on. He got to thinking.
Next day he goes to the doctors and tells the doc he wants to know if he is still "potent". The docs say's ok in befuddlemet and hands the old man a empty speciman cup and tells him to "fill" it and bring it back tomarrow.
The old man comes back the next day with an empty cup and the doc asks what happened. The old man say's;

"Well, it's like this.
Went home and tried and tried, nothing!
Then the old lady tried, first with her left hand, then her right hand. Then she tried with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, Nothing!
So we got the nieghbor lady to try..."
The doc say's whoaaa wait a minute, you had the neighbor in on this????????????????

The old man say's "Yeah, and none of us get the danged lid off!

 

Darling daughter (26) came home the other night with one :
A lady stopped at a garage sale and wanted a large mirror for sale. The woman told her she would sell it for $250. "That's an awful lot." "Not really, it grants wishes. Be carefful and make a wish." The lady thought for a moment and said, "I wish my bust was a bit larger." (POOF) She got her wish and she paid the woman. When she got home, her husband went thru the roof. "But honey it grants wishes, look at my chest." He said, "I did. I thought you bought a padded bra." "No. The mirror works." He thought for a moment and said, " I want my 'thing" to hang on the floor." (POOF) He lost his legs.

 

ROFLMAO : like the ole saying goes be carefull what ya wish for