I may be crazy (MAYBE!?!) but I want her back.

It may be dysfunctional or co-dependent or any number of those other "psycho-babble" words ... but I am, unfortunately, for better or worse, old-fashioned. I am in love with the woman. I love her ... and we've got a two-year old son.

Who has successfully repaired a relationship that seemed done - and how did you do it.

MAYBE IS NOT AN OPTION - I NEED A SUCCESSFUL OUTCOME!

Talk to me gang.

Thanking in advance - Glenn ...

 

Stop doing everything you used to.

No?

You dont get her back then...

 

Well, to start with.... did she leave because of her or because of you? If the answer is that your behavior caused her to leave, well, you have to change for the good. If she left because of her, well, not much you can do except keep on loving her and waiting. You may wait forever as you can't make her change.

 

Your feelings are normal but after having a friend of mine walk down the same road. You need counseling and you need it now, before you hamstring yourself.

This will not be easy but you must find a preacher or a professional shrink. Again, think of your son before you walk back into it.

"MAYBE IS NOT AN OPTION - I NEED A SUCCESSFUL OUTCOME"

In a dream world maybe. However you do not live in a dream world. The world does not play by your rules and neither will she. Do you know what it is to be a pawn to others?

 

With this being your third maybe you are getting the wrong kind of woman... -Just a thought from a guy that has been married for 30 years to the same woman

 

I have stopped virtually everything I used to do - except cigarettes - and she smokes too - and I've been trying to quit that too, once and all, for good, for years.

I am in counseling, have had it before - hence the changes - or at least some help to make those changes.

And obviously I was being ficitious (SP?) - JOKING about there being no option - I am well aware of the option.

As far as being with or finding the wrong women - my first two wives were very much alike - outgoing, aggressive - I actually sought out the exact opposite - in her own words "boring" and "a homebody". Fairly shy, quiet.

???

 

Are you sure about the premise, why do you want her back?

maybe you shouldn't.

 

Good to hear. You made me wince (as you can tell).

 

Great question C.D. -

Emotional investment? - Is that love? We have a son and I'm from a broken home - do NOT want that for him.

I think Forrest Gump said it best - "I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is".

My two grown daughters would tell you.

I am in love with this woman - perhaps I "shouldn't" be - but I am.

Should I deny it - lie to myself?

 

I recall all to well when I was 24, and my 19 year old first wife , told me after we had only been married 18 months, that she didnt "want to be married to me anymore". I laid on the floor at her feet and bawled my guts out. I had done all the "right" things, in those 18 months, did all the family /entertainment things,treated her like a 20 carat diamond on a mink pillow, bought her a nice car, lived in a nice apt, and was personally building us our first home, when she walked out. But she just HAD to have these things she said, and when she left, I asked her why? she said "your always out working, and dont spend enough time with me', duuhhhh??!!! I loved her more than life itself, and went in to YEARS of self pity and isolation, thinking I had been a bad husband, and had failed our marriage miserably. But, only after a few years of beating myself up, did I one day come to a stark realization. And that was " you CANNOT make someone love you, no matter what you do. And thats why she left me, I loved her more than life , she loved me less than what it took to make our marriage work. If your wife truly loves you, you two CAN work it out, by a LOT of HONEST communication between you both, as to who did or doesnt do, whatever. But if its one sided love, I dont see much hope, you may only become a emotional slave to her, trapped in a one sided marriage, not good.. Think about it,

Well am 51 now, and just in the last two years my wife of 12 years and I, had a breakup, short term, but thru a LOT of HONEST communication, and open and painful discussions, were still making it. We had to get to the ROOT of what caused the split. We would never have made it, if we both did not have the feelings for each other that it takes to surpass these rough times married people go thru.
... PLEASE dont become obsessed, and turn in to a stalker to her or end up harming her or yourself. It seems like a daily thing anymore where I read a jilted husband batters and kills his seperated / divorced wife, jezz, there IS someone out there for you, but it just may not be your current wife. You will most likely meet her when your not trying so hard to keep a companion. Feel the grief, you have to , dont deny it or suppress it, it will eat your insides out ( I got ulcers) and cause major harm to you mentally and physically. As each week goes by , stay busy and dont dwell your thoughts on her, the healing process will progress, and time does heal. You cannot change what a person wants to do in life, and the choice they make , must be their own. If they are forced or coherced in to making a choice that they were NOT really wanting to choose, they will eventually go back to what they REALLY wanted, anyway. Save the grief for both, let natural unpressured choices be made on both of your sides. Yes, you will never forget her, the sooner you have a friend to take your mind off of her , the better off you will be. (dont rush it tho, give yourself time to heal, rebound relationships are bad) . This moment in time your life is stuck in right now will pass, and get better. And if you do not find someone, or DONT want someone else, there is NOTHING wrong with being a single parent, its beats living in hurtful relationships by a BIG stretch. Sorry for the bluntness, but as the song goes, "love hurts" God bless and the best of luck to you,

 

but she told me tonight that she has a "friend"

Sometimes you have to cut and run! If she has been seeing someone else IMO its over and time to move on. Dont beat yourself up about it its not worth it and only causes extra stress which you probably don't need. I also would'nt go changing your lifestyle just for her either that will backfire in the longrun.

Think of this to! Lets say you get back together are you going to go around "walking on eggshells"(sort-a-speak) to please her for the rest of your life? Heres the other side you get back together and you fight and argue more than before assuming that is why you split in the first place, Either way its not good for your son.


This might sound harsh but from reading your two threads here IMO it's over and i'm suprised your counselor has'nt told you the same thing. Imo if two people can't get along it's wrong for them to stay" together for the kids " all it does is make for two miserable people. As for your son be the best dad you can be to him and always be there for him that is all he wants and in time he will understand a lot more than you think.

 

Some good points above.

You can never change people, it is a futile activity. Leave her. She is useless, excessive baggage in your life. Preventing you from growing.
I think you have low self-esteem and do not think you deserve anyone better. You should never beg, it invites contempt. If she says I am going to walk out, say fine, and throw out her stuff.

Unless of course she has leverage over you, such as children, etc, then that makes it more complex but even then my point above is true.

Always ask yourself, what does it cost her (or anyone) to be with you? If the cost she places on this relationship is null, you don't want to be with a person like that.

As you walk through life, you must always move beyond your past phase and beyond other people. You must always grow and always change. That's normal living. During that process you will inevitably discard friendships and relationships.

Always remember: what people _do_ will speak louder than any words you will ever hear. If their live does not reflect yours, they don't belong in your circle. Especially a spouse, of all the people, in the world, you should have highest expectations from her and if she doens't meet these expectations, you should discard her as the useless baggage that she is. She does not appear to be positive influence on your life. Remember, it is nothing you did, it is not your fault - she is like that and it is her choice. But also realize that the people in your life are a reflecton of YOU.

The only condition upon which things can work if two people really really want to change. Both of them. If she doesn't, truth is, you've made poor choices in the past.

P.S.

I have had some paintful relationships in the past, which have caused me much grief. I learned to quickly tell whether a person is right for me. You should look at someone and quickly make that judgment before you get involved. Always remember, her actions will betray her true colors and pay attention to what people do.

 

Glen.

I am a three time looser who has had his pistol in his mouth twice in the last five years because of a similar situation (at least she didn't have a theoretical boyfriend - thank God!!). Not a single one of the divorces were my idea or had my support - none.

Here is my advise:

"Get the hell out of there and DO NOT look back."

You deserve better - FAR better. Stop selling yourself short!!

 

Thank you gentlemen - I "know' you're all right -it's just tough to swallow when it's only half chewed.

I feel better, and stronger, tonight.

Thanks again - Glenn ...

 

Glen

You will love each deferent, from the last one. Don't put your self through the pain. Dust your self off and get your self out of dodge.(so to say) To your son, children bounce back. Be a great DAD, be there for there things at school and the days you get them. Your child is stronger than you think,
Just be there.

Good luck