I have a few things to say about love and relationships. I figured, what better venue than a public forum where I can be questioned and ridiculed, if it is so deserved. I rarely lurk anywhere except the diesel forum where I have made my home, so please excuse the newbie. <o>

</o> So in terms of men vs. women, the age-old question has always been: what do women want? I am going play the devil’s advocate. I say it’s not a question of what women want, rather, its a question of what men want. Women are relatively simple. Any (sane) woman (I say sane because this excludes the crazy chicks who slash your tires and burn all your crap out in the front yard) is only looking for a man who is supportive, honest, a man who makes her feel beautiful and wonderful. With ANY woman, 99% of the equation is how that man makes her feel about herself. Women have a unique ability to look past undesirable qualities in the men they love to see only the good within them.
<o></o>
I do not mean this post as an outlet to bash men, rather, to get a better understanding of relationships, and how I perceive them. I realize evils exist on BOTH ends of the gender spectrum. Most of my friends are men.<o>

</o> So what do men want? A strong, intelligent, confident, honest, beautiful, warm, affectionate, kind woman? To those of you who said yes, I point out the following:<o>

</o> You say you want a strong woman, but become insecure around any woman who may display characteristics of strength that are greater than yours.<o>

</o> You say you want an intelligent woman, but are often intolerant of her wisdom as it directly affects you<o>.

</o> You say you want a confident woman, but often display behaviors that are quite effective at bring out the insecurities we may have. <o>

</o> You say you want a kind woman, but often take advantage of that kindness to facilitate a means to your own desires. Kindness is destroyed easily.<o>

</o> You say you want a warm, affectionate woman, but this affection is often ill-received as smothering, or labeled as clingy.

You say you want an honest woman, but often ridicule a woman for being too harsh if she is blatantly honest (this is especially true in my own personal experience).<o>

</o> You say you want a beautiful woman, but many times assume infidelity as a result…as we all know a beautiful woman will never fail to capture other men’s attention. <o>

</o> SO…I’m curious. What do you men want, anyway?<o>

</o> A little background on me: I am the type of person who has been successful in every realm of my life with exception to love. I am 28-years-old. Never married. No children. I have been put through the gamut: lied to, cheated on, cheated with, used, played, and emotionally ambushed. Despite this, I must continue to live my life as honestly as possible. This translates into how I approach dating, of course, and oftentimes I am left to pick up the pieces. I don’t play games, and I never have. I refuse to ignore or lie to someone, or tell them anything other than what I am thinking and how I actually feel. I am the girl who seems to be surrounded by men who desire her, but I spend most of my nights alone.

I’ve had days when I am completely rejected and dejected by a man who only days earlier had told me how beautiful, smart and wonderful I am. As I contemplate my lonesomeness, reflecting internally on how I might be responsible for sabotaging any chance I have at a real relationship, I have other men simultaneously confirming the very qualities (beauty, personality) I had assumed I did not have as a result of prior experiences. It leaves me feeling confused and scattered. I of course do not seek approval from the men I know or the men I date, but in order to win at poker, I at least need to know which hand I am playing with. Regretfully, I find myself envious of those who find blind love so effortlessly.<o></o>

 

I personally would have appreciated honesty in the beginning with most of my past relationships .Making decisions for your future based on the truth is priceless. As it ended up , I got lucky with the one I married ..Maybe it has to do with age & maturity more than anything else.

Over the years I have had many a conversation with friends while their relationships went bad , with my men friends ,most of them didn't know themselves very well at all.. They will gladly tell you the kind of person they are , & couldn't be any more wrong based on their actions ..

 

You're asking tough questions. I will say that there are a LOT of different types of men out there. They don't all want the same thing.

I can only speak for myself.

The first thing I want is honesty. I've not been in a lot of relationships in my life. My first wife lied to me, cheated on me and took my kids half way across the country to keep them from me. My second relationship (g/f only) cheated on me. My 3rd relationship (g/f only) lied to me, verbally and physically abused me, cheated on me, and was going to let me pay to move her across the country, with the full knowledge that she was going to dump me when we got there, because she had another guy lined up.

At this point in my life, I'm not really sure I'm up for a 4th.

As to your other points. There is a woman here who is a few years younger than me. She's strong and independent. She works a hell of a lot harder surviving that I do. I find that incredibly attractive. But I agree that a lot of guys ego's won't tolerate that.

I like an intelligent woman. I would like an intelligent woman that is smart enough not to make me feel like a total idiot though.

I'm not a confident guy. A confident woman, who is patient and understanding, would help to bring out my confidence, I think.

I guess I don't understand people who take advantage of anything, much less kindness.

I think it's possible to overdo warmth and affection. I think it's a personal thing that needs to be worked out between the two individuals. Some guys like more of it than other guys. I can't say I've experienced it yet, so I don't know.

I've already said I want honesty. It can be overdone, though. My 2nd took every opportunity to take every honest thing I ever said to her and warp it around to make it into a weakness and attack me with it. Relentlessly. I want a woman to tell me the truth. But not use it against me. If I'm doing something stupid and annoying, I'd like to know about it, but with an effort to help me change it.

Beauty is a long way down on my list. I find some things attractive and some things not attractive. I doubt I could write a list. I'm either attracted or not. Today's standard of "beauty" means nothing to me.

Now. I'm going to say something that might get me killed. I hear women say what they want. You said "Any woman is only looking for a man who is supportive, honest, a man who makes her feel beautiful and wonderful."

I HEAR this a lot. Then I see women drooling over the cute guy with the 6-pack abs. In all three of my failed relationships, I was left for the handsome, "bad-boy" type. The exciting type. In each case, the "bad-boy" turned out to be just that and they all got treated like crap. I think the nice guys (like me) are often overlooked, because we often aren't handsome, wildly successful or exciting.

Just my 2 cents.

 

i completely agree with your statement (action).. men can and most times say what they are as a man..but really dont have the slightest clue...

 

Within most of my scenarios, I am assuming somewhat of a relationship has been established and both parties are at least somewhat physically attracted to one another. This one is hard to escape and you can't ask someone to consider a person they aren't initially attracted to.

That being said, I've always been a big advocate of "the nice guy" I cant stand men who treat me badly and I have never tolerated it. As was commented earlier, many men don't know who they are... maybe my problem lies there. I want a nice guy..and maybe these men think they are nice guys..who ultimately end up doing not-so-nice things...

So you're saying, they believe they are faithful, honest..but don't actually behave that way in their relationships?

I won't kill you just for having an opinion! Your earlier comment about honesty and twisting truth around to form an insult..I completely agree with you. There's a HUGE difference between honesty and abuse my dear.

Also on your comment I quoted above...you do have a point, and it swings both ways. Women who go after men like that are insecure, and it comes back to how those men are making those women feel about themselves. They find self worth in the possibility of being loved by a "bad boy" and are attracted to the danger of it all. I won't lie and say I don't have my own issues with attraction and masculinity..it exists.

 

That is a pretty broad question. I'm sure you can come up with a couple categories of guys but everyone is different. So many things factor into it to age, up bringing, society, ethnic back ground, education, personality.

I would say the key is what do you want? Sounds like you have a pretty good idea. I think it is OK to give a little on somethings and be rock solid on others but those choices are up to you.

 

Assuming that true love is effortless is a mistake. You have to work at it every day. The most important quality in a mate is to find someone who tolerates and forgives your "eccentricities" just like you do theirs, someone who fights fair, and someone who loves you and you love even when you're mad.

 

You have a point. I think I was venting, mostly....

I do know what I want..at least I used to think so. Lately, what I want doesn't want me in return..

Clux..when I said effortless..I meant finding such a thing. Comes easily to some people. Now in terms of maintaining a relationship, you got me there

 

I've always believed, somewhat "romantically" probably, that an ideal relationship is where both parties are more concerned with the needs of their partner than of themselves.

I don't know if that makes sense, is totally stupid or even remotely achievable in today's society.

 

I think that both men and women tend to do equal proportions of damaging things to a relationship. The fact that women tend to see the bad things men do and the men tend to see the bad things women do is just human nature. It's always easier to only see our own viewpoint. Often all we don't try hard enough to really understand the other side.

The "you say you want" list could very easily be turned into a list of things that women do in a relationship with a few changes. But it's a good example of what I'm talking about.

But to be fair, there are not many men around that are truly good at being in a relationship. Lisa, you just haven't met the right man yet. I've made a lot of relationship mistakes but I've done my best to learn from them and make changes. A good relationship makes your whole life better and it's worth investing the effort IMO. But it takes a lot of work and I think that's where most people fall short.

 

I can tell you that I have been married for three years...I think. We have been together for about five or six years total... I think. I did not get married until my early to mid thirties. I love my wife and only want to see her happy. We come from two complete different backgrounds. She has a college degree, I do not. She has a very scheduled system, I go with the flow. She is the bill payer, I just hand over my paycheck and work with my allowance. (I am very bad with money and math) She cuts the grass, I do not. All other outside aspects of the house or autos falls on me. She does not help. I do not help with the housecleaning or laundry.

My wife has been through some rough patches, but has never dwelled on it or used it for a way to escape. I really admire that. Trust is a major issue, without that you have nothing. Trust is easy to lose and very hard to get back. When she says she is at the grocery, I know that is where she is. I have no reason to second guess or follow up on what she has said. My wife trusts me, but I often have to tell her or she will call to see where I went. It is a bit annoying and sometimes I have to remind her that I am not one of her third grade students. I chalk this need to know, to her need for scheduling. Sometimes I would like to see some emotion but she is not a wild or daring type of person. I think the lack of emotion is best for me because it shows she is in control of herself. We argue on occasion but not for long. I raised my voice to her once in an argument, she has asked me to never do it again because she feared me. I do not like the idea of my wife fearing me. I have not done it since.

The one thing I do not like in an argument or in planning is "I don't know" or "I don't care". If I have a problem to mention, I will offer a solution for the future or discuss other changes. My wife will often ask about going somewhere or doing something. That is a trick bag for me. She is picky about eating out, what days,or times to go to a movie. I will ask where she would like to go and she answers I don't care. When you name places she is quick to rattle of reasons why not to go there.


Bottomline is, you need to worry about what you want and be secure in making yourself happy. Do not expect a guy to create your new hobby or way of life. Wait for the guy that fits your hobbies and lifestyle or respects your time for yourself. You should do the same for him.

You already have most of the single guys here drooling for you and us married guys dreaming.
An attractive woman driving a lifted 4x4 truck with a trailer full of 4 wheelers is a great start.

Take your time and good luck. Do what you want and the right guy will keep up beside you.

 

Man, Everybody helps a lady in a time of need. There were like 2 replies when I started my novel up above. Now we are almost on the second page. How many days did it take me to type that book?

 

Haha oh comon. You flatter me.

A recent rejection has me feeling the sting, and against better instinct, I'm letting it torment me.

All of the insight helps guys, thank you.

 

Biggest thing is finding someone that doesnt go nuthouse crazy on you over how you are. The woman ive been interested in for years, no matter how weird I get she just laughs about it and doesnt care about it. There are some things that she says that if it was anyone else I would be very upset over it. I guess its all being understanding and knowing the person.

As far as what I want, I have to be honest and say I just dont know. I mean I thought I wanted one thing but since I started talking with her back in Oct 06 nothing has really changed as far as how I love talking and being around her. Probably would be further along now if there wasnt the distance issue since she was moving around alot but in the end I guess you just have to "test" the person out and see how you feel in the end. It also helps to casually over time bring up topics to test the waters to see if the person is wanting something you would want in the future. Such as if you really want kids in the future, bring it up some day. It helps to know about the person and if they are a better fit for you. Its also good to find someone that has confidance that isnt always putting themselves down. That can and will get depressing to you as well. On a side note, I have always found it funny how for me atleast when you are single looking their all like in hiding but the min you are interested in someone or showing interest to someone then all of a sudden its like your the life of the party in a sense.

 

I can completely identify ... before I met my husband I really felt like I was completely uninteresting, maybe too much "one of the boys," despite feeling like I was a strong, intelligent, confident woman. It seemed like those things turned off more guys than turned on. Met my husband out of the blue--he was the exact opposite. So a lot of it is luck too, timing, whatever.

My neighbor is cute & single ...