Man eats 20lb hamburger
Laughing Gas
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,107
Likes: 32
From: Spokane, WA
"MAN BRUTALLY MURDERED BY HIS OWN COLON"
Last night, while a man was relaxing watching his TV, he began to feel a rumbling he had never felt before. Moments later, he fell to the ground, writhing in agony, and unable to reach the phone to call for assistance. At that moment, in the midst of a blood curdling scream, the gentleman's colon burst forth from his posterior! In one swift motion, the man's colon swung up around his neck, and for all intents and purposes began strangling the victim. The man tried to resist, but was already falling into shock.
Investigators to the scene theorized that his colon has mounted a revolt, due to the victim's previous dietary misadventure. It seems that the victim had only days earlier eaten a hamburger that had equated to that of a small dog, or possibly the evening meal for an entire village in Kenya. Realizing that that sort of inhuman abuse was impending, his colon decided to take matters into its own hands, and kill them victim before having to endure such gastronomic torture.
Neighbors of the victim said, "Well, he was always a quiet man, but I never trusted him as only a month after he moved in, my Chihuahua went missing." Other reports of missing animals have plagued the neighborhood, and there have been observations that there hasn't been a stray cat seen in some time.
The local plumber was somewhat distraught over the event, as he had claimed that the victim was responsible, at least in part, for his success over the last fiscal quarter. He stated that the victim had a standing service call arranged, as it was apparently necessary to clear his pipes on a more than regular basis.
Others affected by the tragedy were local restaurants, and the neighborhood butcher shop. Upon hearing the news, the butcher made a call, and cancelled half his order from the area beef producers.
The victim leaves behind no family, no pets, but a lifetime memberships to the Outback, Black Angus, Ruths Chriss, Mortons of Chicago, McDonalds, Burger King, Sonic, Wendys, and the National Angioplasty Foundation.
Last night, while a man was relaxing watching his TV, he began to feel a rumbling he had never felt before. Moments later, he fell to the ground, writhing in agony, and unable to reach the phone to call for assistance. At that moment, in the midst of a blood curdling scream, the gentleman's colon burst forth from his posterior! In one swift motion, the man's colon swung up around his neck, and for all intents and purposes began strangling the victim. The man tried to resist, but was already falling into shock.
Investigators to the scene theorized that his colon has mounted a revolt, due to the victim's previous dietary misadventure. It seems that the victim had only days earlier eaten a hamburger that had equated to that of a small dog, or possibly the evening meal for an entire village in Kenya. Realizing that that sort of inhuman abuse was impending, his colon decided to take matters into its own hands, and kill them victim before having to endure such gastronomic torture.
Neighbors of the victim said, "Well, he was always a quiet man, but I never trusted him as only a month after he moved in, my Chihuahua went missing." Other reports of missing animals have plagued the neighborhood, and there have been observations that there hasn't been a stray cat seen in some time.
The local plumber was somewhat distraught over the event, as he had claimed that the victim was responsible, at least in part, for his success over the last fiscal quarter. He stated that the victim had a standing service call arranged, as it was apparently necessary to clear his pipes on a more than regular basis.
Others affected by the tragedy were local restaurants, and the neighborhood butcher shop. Upon hearing the news, the butcher made a call, and cancelled half his order from the area beef producers.
The victim leaves behind no family, no pets, but a lifetime memberships to the Outback, Black Angus, Ruths Chriss, Mortons of Chicago, McDonalds, Burger King, Sonic, Wendys, and the National Angioplasty Foundation.
Elder User
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 599
Likes: 0
From: Tucker, GA
Well, I'd hate to be ANYBODY'S toilet - and I'll bet the $400 clams they gave him won't cover Roto Rooter's bill.
Postmaster
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 3,529
Likes: 1
From: The Star-Club, Hamburg
This guy is a true American hero in my book... everyone should hold him out as the ideal of what goodness and decency should be in this country, and should at all mealtimes try and do as much as they can to emulate his shining example! From the bottom of my heart, I extend my deepest thanks to this fellow for his service to his country, and indeed, for his service to humanity!
Now, you'll excuse me while I go check my mailbox...
Now, you'll excuse me while I go check my mailbox...
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