March B/S Chatter Box
Fleet Owner
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 26,898
Likes: 3
From: southern md
Originally Posted by BPofMD
Don't remember THAT one.....Have to check my collection. Do you know which album it's on?
Fleet Owner
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 26,898
Likes: 3
From: southern md
top tools for a shop 
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your soda pop across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained
heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou
sheeeet...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters. The most often tool used by all women.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" socket
you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool, ten times harder than any known
drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were
last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the
object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in
walls when hanging pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "DAMMMMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
the next tool that you will need!
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your soda pop across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained
heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou
sheeeet...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters. The most often tool used by all women.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" socket
you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool, ten times harder than any known
drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were
last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the
object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in
walls when hanging pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "DAMMMMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
the next tool that you will need!
FTE Legend
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 65,938
Likes: 1,432
From: Millersville, MD
Hey Guys: Those that plan on going to the Ford/Carlisle All Truck Nationals in August really need to get registered if we are to keep that tent that George (Delaware) went out on a limb for and put down his own $ to reserve!!!! And if you already did sign up for it under the Mid-Atlantic FTE, send George your contact info so 1- he can keep YOU informed of the progress and/or any changes and 2- he doesn't have to cancel the tent (AND our discount for entry)!!! This is IMPORTANT friends....get 'er done!!!
Fleet Owner
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 26,898
Likes: 3
From: southern md
A husband and wife were involved in a argument, concerning all the time he spent hunting while the household chores were being neglected. After considerable time arguing, the wife said "I'll admit I'm wrong," in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said.
With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said.
With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"
Fleet Owner
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 26,898
Likes: 3
From: southern md
just got this E mail from my ex wife-yes she was a blonde-------------------------- Be on the look-out for the following virus thats sweeping the country. It nearly wiped out everything I had!
"BUENOS DIAS!
JOU HABE YUST RECEIBED A MEHICAN BYRUS. SIN WE HABE NO GOOD TECHNIOLOGICALLY ADBANCE IN MEHICO, DEES IS A MANUAL BYRUS. PLEESE DELETE ALL JOUR FILES ON JOUR HARDT-DRIBE JOURSELF AND SEND THEES E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW. TANK JOU FOR HALPING ME.
JULIO MANUEL JOSE FELIPE GONZALO JORGE RODRIGUEZ-Jones
(MEHICAN HACKER)"
"BUENOS DIAS!
JOU HABE YUST RECEIBED A MEHICAN BYRUS. SIN WE HABE NO GOOD TECHNIOLOGICALLY ADBANCE IN MEHICO, DEES IS A MANUAL BYRUS. PLEESE DELETE ALL JOUR FILES ON JOUR HARDT-DRIBE JOURSELF AND SEND THEES E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW. TANK JOU FOR HALPING ME.
JULIO MANUEL JOSE FELIPE GONZALO JORGE RODRIGUEZ-Jones
(MEHICAN HACKER)"
