Rich,

Be sure to keep a watchful eye on the depression. This is a really tough time for all men going through it, don't let it trigger the beast. You got someone to see? In your place, I'd make use of any support resources you've got. Don't let this be the start of a replay of the old spiral down. And try to keep away from the booze - just makes things worse.

Other than that, I'm afraid these guys have good advice on the practical front - walk softly and carry a big stick. That is, be nice, be even magnanomous, but at the same time prepare to defend yourself. Consult a lawyer right away.

 

sounds like shes had been thinking like this for awhile, i went through similar situation about 3 years ago. i wasnt married but lived with my gf for almost 6 years. i had changed since we first met, so i didnt hold it against her when she left.
all these guys have good advise, your son is 21, different from explaining to a 12 year old on what happened, making sure hes all good is important

 

Sorry to hear of everything you are going through..

I am also one of the experienced members..

When we divorced after 14 years, I couldn't believe the things she was saying..

She tried to stick me with money issues saying I spent the money..

To make a long story short I had everything documented and that saved my bacon..

It is good that your son is grown.. He will handle it just fine..
My youngest was 2 years old when we split..


Everyone has given good advice ecspecially blue oval ranger..

I would like to add that when she does move out you need to imediately change all the locks... I had a friend that didn't and after a week she came back and was able to boot him out.. Even though she wanted the breakup..

Stay strong... Everything will work out better for you in the long run.

 

Sorry to hear this. I'bve been through it and if there's any advice I can give it would be to do what BlueOvalRanger advised. Everything is nice and hunky dory until money gets involved. Protect yourself and don't end up a victim.

It happened to me to the tune of $23,000 in credit card debt.

I wanted to kill her but didn't and ended up working my butt off to pay the debt down. It's all gone now and I have met someone that truly does care about me.

There is life after divorce.

Again, sorry this is happening to you. Hang in there.

 

Excellent advice Keith! Tried to rep ya. No can do at this time.

I did not see this before, probably because my BP was climbing from deja vu.
There are laws that would entitle her to this money. Make absolute sure she signs off on this.

 

I'm very sorry to hear of anyone going through this, been there, done that twice. The last one felt this inexplicable need to travel new places and meet new people (which turned out to be a co-worker, who else saw that coming?). It sucks to go through whether you want it or not. I agree with everyone else, get all that 'amicable' stuff in writing before it wears off, I would suggest a lawyer immediately, you can always cancel them if things work out.

 

Also, Set a date in which she leaves by, she may just drag it out and use you as a maid service and use your house as a hoitel.

one of my best freinds Who was going to marry my beyotch of a SIL (had small prob of keeping other guys out of her pants) caught her stealing the sheets of the made bed......

needless to say, locks were immediatly changed, her crap was bagged up and set by the curb. Her and her homewrecker came and picked it up that night

 

On the AARP site they have this notice about how you can put a freeze on your credit report. Since before anybody gets a loan they usually have a credit report pulled on them this prevents it until you pay the $10. feel to unfreeze it. So for anybody whether divorced or just concerned for ID and credit theft this might be worth looking into:
http://www.aarp.org/money/wise_consu..._id_theft.html

 

Rich, I don't know what to say really, to split after 22 years seems like a real waste. But, you do have a 21 year old son so that makes it worth it :-)

I would just hope you have a great pastor and to keep talking to him and avoid drinking when depressed. If she has already moved out and "found" herself in Vegas I would say more went on then you want to know about and you should leave it that way.

I would split on friendly terms either way and avoid making it nasty. Though I would put a fraud alert on my credit for the meantime until the divorce is final. It would not be a bad time to photograph everything in the house you are giving her either. Do a binary backup (copy hd to hd) of the the computers in the house and keep the HDs in your new bank box. Or keep the original HD in your bank box instead.

 

I like this. Only wrong on one part, he has us as a support group.

I'm sorry this happened to you, but if it's over it's over. Cut her off. Get everything in writing. Try to take as much stuff as posible and stash it somewhere. Empty the bank accounts into something green and spendable and stash that somewhere. Sell any vehicles you can to a good (really good) friend for a buck and buy them back for a buck later.

Basicly when you get to court, have nothing to give.

Mike

 

Hopefully it all goes quietly. She found a place here in town and if I see her tonight will get an update on when she will be leaving the house. I'm guessing it will be this weekend. I already told her she can have the car. It's paid for and all she'll need to do is get insurance on it. We'll meet up at the bank to get her new account set up and more'n likely I will change mine over too so the account numbers won't be the same as when we were together.

So far I have only told one friend of ours. Not sure who she has told. I may go to a Small Group Bible Study Friday night from church and let them know since they all know us. Sadly, there are those who will catch wind of a rumor and it will go hog wild within no time a'tall.

I'm not one to drown my sorrows in booze even though I do enjoy a cold and frosty every once in a while. I certainly am having to make myself get off my butt and do things though, which reminds me, I need to git going to school. Thanks again for all the advice and the doctorin, it means the world...

Rich

 

The most important thing for you to do it keep your self-confidence and integrity. Be true to yourself and follow your instincts.

Good luck to you.

 

> Hopefully it all goes quietly

I really hope it does.

I would not do anything to cause waves. I know it is easier to say it when it isn't myself that it is happening to, but, I would do everything possible including eating my pride and hurt to make it a quick and easy disconnect and get on with my life.

I tried to keep a married couple together when the other person wanted their "space" and wanted to "expand". It was just fruitless, it was more like he wanted to be justified for the harm he caused.

He cheated on her on a trip with someone he met on the Internet. The wife still loved him and she still wanted to keep him, but, he refused to talk about it with anyone with marriage counseling and I was the last hope because I offered to try to help when he told me what he did (she caught him cheating by accident with umm... electronic evidence sent to him by e-mail).

He thought so much of himself and so little of her, he wouldn't even look at her while we were sitting at the table.

Spent his time doing chores around the table with his back to his wife. He would not look in her face and say he was sorry or even that he loved her. It was all about him and the wrongs she did to him. All he really cared about was where he would live, how he would make money, etc.

So, through tears she said she wanted him gone.

What I suggested was he move out to an apartment (since she did not want him in the house) and for her (she was a successful business woman) to give him a few thousand dollars so he could freely move out and for her to be done with it. Instead of fighting over minor ( I called $2-$3000 cash minor) stuff and for her to be done with the conflict. So, she did and he did.

imho, There really is nothing you can do and in the Bible, Paul pretty much says when one member wants to leave, for people to just move on, if it is not possible to stay together. When that happens, take the lead to make it as painless as possible.

On a bright spot, I know someone who kept forgiving his wife for her unfaithfulness. Finally he got fed up (he was a pastor with a great tolerance level), tossed her out, gave her the car, some money and kept his kid, and told her to go back to her boyfriend she wanted so badly.

After a year or so, she begged to come back, they ended up getting married again a year later and as far as I know, everything has been fine since. It probably would have been different if it had been bitter.

So, if you still love her, even though it wasn't the best marriage, I would not do anything to burn any bridges.

 

Hey you Gorilla1. Don't know what to say other than I think that you are doing a great job taking it all in stride. I think it is okay if you have a couple cold ones now and then when you need them, AS long as you make sure you are not entering a bad pattern and also that you are not drinking and driving!! If you don't do it too often it is probably better than taking prescription anti-depressants; I don't know, what do you think guys? If you NEED the prescription stuff though, please go and get it.

It really sounds like you are keeping a level head through all of this. Personally, I feel that once you have a kid with someone you are married to that person for LIFE! How can you do right by your son if his mother is in desperate need and you won't or can't do anything for her: at this point if you don't care about her at all personally but you still have to realize and admit that this is YOUR son's mother! And how can you be in a decent place to do ANYTHING for anybody, if you are not taking care of yourself first? If you cannot protect your own self and your own assets how can you protect those of the people you care about? What I am saying is that you need to follow the sage advice of our other friends here about protecting yourself financially and legally, BUT not out of spite!! Rather out of true compassion for yourself, your son, and his mother, becuase it really sounds like you are the one in your family who can and does the taking care of.

So I agree with all of the others-which is to say that you should take care of yourself first. Stick up for yourself and your rights. What happens if your son wrongfully gets popped for something, and you can't buy him legal help because you have signed over half of whatever you have? Who are you doing a favor to then? Once you are a parent you are a parent for life. If you do really get divorced, instead of just seperating for awhile, you will have no control over what your wife does with your, I mean her, money! Of course she loves and cares about her son! But, many women- nothing personal ladies, don't realize all that it takes to keep the homestead running and end up loosing all of the wealth they got in the "divorce."

Hey, don't know when your pastor if available--but there are people available here for you probably around the clock! --wish I had the pleasure of logging on at work like some of you!!

Keep your chin up!

 

Been there and done that. Married a woman in 1994 who had two small children (5 and 6) from a previous marriage. Couple of years ago I found out by accident that the wife was looking for an apartment and was planning on moving out. She had told the kids who were still living at home but were basically adults. She just hadn't gotten to the point of telling me. The kids were searching for there own places as well. Pretty devistated by the whole thing but tried to keep it on an even keel. This was in June and she said that she would stay till the end of the summer to help me pay some bills (trip to mouseland) and then she would go. She told me that there was no chance for a reconciliation. I told her I would take care of the bills but would prefer if she left asap. Did a lot of reading and soul searching and decided that I wanted my marriage to succeed if possible. So what did I do, I got a life. Many of the issues that drove us apart centered around the kids. I let the kids stay, provided they paid rent, which they did. This enabled me to keep the house for the time being until things all worked out. My step daughter has a son who has lived with us since being born (father was killed in a car wreck just before he was born). The thought of loosing my step grandson and my wife all at once was just too much to bear. So I formulated a plan. I would get my own life, try to do the things that got me my wife in the first place, keep my home at least temporarily until I was ready to let it go, and maintain a relationship with my step kids. So I was nice as pie, even though I was deeply hurt. I even helped her move in with a girlfriend temporarily until she found her own place. That was tough. Kids were suppossed to help but didn't show. Ding, ding, brownie points for me. When she got her own place, I again was the only one who showed up to help her move again. I kept the lines of communication open. I didn't beg her to come back but told her that I was going to try and win her back and if it didn't work out then it wasn't meant to be. Went back to the gym and started to get back into shape. After all, when we met, I was in very good shape but had let myself go. Figured I would need to do this even if it didn't work out as I would be back out in the dating world. Kept up the house as best I could. Started to dodge some of her calls. She would call with questions about this or that. Basically, made it look like I was moving on. Started to not be around when she came over to see the kids and especially my step grandson. My daughter gave me some great advice. Even though you are married, you can't stop playing the game. Well after about two weeks, she called me to tell me about an aircraft that was at the airport she works at. She thought I would be interested in it. Hmmm, my plan is starting to work. Two weeks later she was over and we were sitting on the front porch having a beer, just shooting the s***. Next thing I knew, we were out in a bar to see a band that night. Had a great time. Basically, started the whole dating thing over. It was actually better the second time around. So, to make a long story short, she moved back one year later. That was a year ago. We still have issues but at least we have a direction now. We are looking for a new larger home. Money was never an issue because she actually is quite successful and makes about 50% more than me. So I knew she didn't come back because she couldn't make it on her own. We have fallen back into some of the same old traps that drove us apart in the first place. However, we are now more aware of them and work at them so they don't become a problem. Hopefully, things will work out in the long run. So to boil it down.
1. Decide what YOU want
2. Get a life - do the things you want to do.
3. Consult a lawyer about your rights (usually first consultation is free)
4. Keep the lines of communication open but do not chase her. NO BEGGING
5. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst
6. Remake yourself into the man you were when you got married. Even if it doesn't attract your wife back it will attract another. Don't do this for her, do it for yourself. Even if you move on, someday your ex will look at you and wonder if she made a mistake. That's the payback.

Hope this helps. Hang in there, it does get better eventually

Brett