Some laughs
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From: Yorkton Sk
Some laughs
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who Wanted
more
than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced
every
minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and
that
there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being
the
fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the
old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great
ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,
you're
wearing your gun too high Tie the holster a little lower down on your
leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and
shot
the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his
gun
in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here.. Got any
more
tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See
that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on
the
barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it allover the gun, handle
and
all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the
piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ***, and it won't hurt as
much."
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn....third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? ....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
A woman comes home from work and finds a note from her husband. It reads:
Honey,
I hope you can understand, but you cannot satisfy me anymore. I still love you, but you are 54 years old and I have needs. I am spending the evening at the Comfort Inn with my 18 year old secretary. She is young, thin and beautiful, and can give me what I need. I will still come home to you tonight dear.
When the husband gets home, he finds a note from his wife. It reads:
Darling,
I hope you can understand, but you also can not satisfy me anymore. I still love you too, but like me, you are also 54 years old. I will be spending the night with my 18 year old math student at the Holiday Inn. He is young, hard-bodied and full of energy. I will not be coming home tonight however. You are a lawyer so I know you can understand simple math. You see, 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. I'll be back this weekend.
more
than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced
every
minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and
that
there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being
the
fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the
old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great
ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,
you're
wearing your gun too high Tie the holster a little lower down on your
leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and
shot
the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his
gun
in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here.. Got any
more
tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See
that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on
the
barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it allover the gun, handle
and
all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the
piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ***, and it won't hurt as
much."
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn....third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? ....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
A woman comes home from work and finds a note from her husband. It reads:
Honey,
I hope you can understand, but you cannot satisfy me anymore. I still love you, but you are 54 years old and I have needs. I am spending the evening at the Comfort Inn with my 18 year old secretary. She is young, thin and beautiful, and can give me what I need. I will still come home to you tonight dear.
When the husband gets home, he finds a note from his wife. It reads:
Darling,
I hope you can understand, but you also can not satisfy me anymore. I still love you too, but like me, you are also 54 years old. I will be spending the night with my 18 year old math student at the Holiday Inn. He is young, hard-bodied and full of energy. I will not be coming home tonight however. You are a lawyer so I know you can understand simple math. You see, 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. I'll be back this weekend.
Moderator
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 97,455
Likes: 1,995
From: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off! Or I'll kick the s--t out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago".
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off! Or I'll kick the s--t out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago".
Moderator
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 97,455
Likes: 1,995
From: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
Why not?
FTE doesn`t allow too many stickies but maybe....
Here is one of effie_man/Chris`s jokes
_______________________________________
A Ukrainian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan
officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Kiev on business
for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor
of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form
of security for the loan, so the Ukrainian handed over the keys to a new
Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The
Ukrainian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for
having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its
officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Ukrainian for using a $250,000
Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove
the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Ukrainian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have
had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but
we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and
found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Ukrainian replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Ah, the Ukrainians... See! Kielbasa & Vodka is good for the brain.
FTE doesn`t allow too many stickies but maybe....
Here is one of effie_man/Chris`s jokes
_______________________________________
A Ukrainian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan
officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Kiev on business
for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor
of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form
of security for the loan, so the Ukrainian handed over the keys to a new
Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The
Ukrainian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for
having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its
officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Ukrainian for using a $250,000
Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove
the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Ukrainian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have
had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but
we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and
found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Ukrainian replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Ah, the Ukrainians... See! Kielbasa & Vodka is good for the brain.
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