Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the
wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd
been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to
bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood
from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over
to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have
you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken ****"

__________________________________________________ ___________

Stupidity should not be punishable by death, we should merely remove all the warning labels and let nature take it's course!

Have a good day!

 

Thats alot of humour there!

 

those irish, ya gotta watch em

 

Jock had been in the bar for the better part of the day and had more than his share.

While walking home he walked alongside LocNess.

He climbed a hill, lifted his kilt and said.

" Hey Nessie, wanna see a real montser "

 

Jock and the wee lass got married.
Before they could even spend the first night together Jock got called out to sea.
After several months at sea he finally came home.

The wee lass was waiting for him at the dock.

They took a short cut to home between some buildings.
Jock couldn't stand it any longer and he took the wee lass right there, standing up, between the buildings.

After it was over they continued home.
Jock was very quiet.

He said,
" Lass you were very dry and scratchy and your head was bobbing up and down"
The wee lass replied,
" Oh Jock, you had my scarf tucked in "