OK bear with me. My girlfriens has a child from a previous long-term relationship. For the first 2 and a half years she told me everyday she was happy to be moving on, had nothing good to say about his family. Now she has moved back into our original town, and things have changed. She goes to his sisters every day, calls his mother daily, she brings food and gifts over....Now she tells me things changed. She says she just didn't want them involved and be to comtrolling with her then new baby, but is now OK involving them, and says they are her really good friends. The EXboyfriend is in a solid relationship of his own. He and his girl are always complaining about how tight his family has remained with her. I'm not worried about losing her back to him, but has anyone ever seen anything like this? Is it just too weird? Seems to mother me allot, and we argue about it frequently... What ya think?

 

KK,

In September 2005 you were asking about engagement rings on this forum. In this thread, you mention you've been together 2 1/2 years. So I'm assuming we're talking about the same girl - probably a girl you're engaged to be married to. Which puts this on another level of importance than if she was just some random girlfriend because you're talking about committing to the rest of your life with this woman and possibly this situation. NOW, before any wedding, is the time to take a cold hard look at this relationship and this woman.

What's much less important than what others think about the situation is what you think about it. You have a right to your opinion, to your standards, to your values. While some compromise in any relationship is necessary and healthy, there are some things that for each person are non-negotiable, or at least shouldn't be because negotiating away one's core values is a sure-fire recipe for disaster later on.

It's reasonable for the child to maintain some kind of contact with his paternal family. They are, after all, his family. But best buddies and daily hob-nobbing with the ex's mom? Definitely perfectly reasonable for your values to find that this is way over the line into weird. While some people find closeness with an ex's family just fine, it's also a very reasonable value to prefer some distance from the ex and their family.

It's not a question of one is right and the other is wrong - it's a question of are your values compatible?

 

Her mistake...YOUR problem....always.

I would leave tracks, and cut my losses while i still can. If it bothers you now, it will ALWAYS bother you. You are going to end up with all kinds of competition from in laws, etc.

I would bolt.

 

I never bought the ring. I just didn't feel she was ready. Maybe she never will be. This may have been the end of the relationship between us anyway? We had a huge fight last night about it. She said she is staying close to them no matter what, they are great friends. She said I'm not going to choose who her friends will be (not what I was trying to do), and that all the negative things she had said about them is in the past. If I can't handle her spending time with them, then I should go. She says they are he daughters family, and she wants them to be close too. Says this has nothing at all to do with the ex, that she broke up with him, not his whole family.
Like I said I'm not worried about losing her back to hm, he doesn't want back. Still seems like she's moving backwards.
She was with the last guy for like 8 years. Through highschool, college, until they were 22ish.
I know she WAS very close to the family, having basically grown up with them?
This sucks.
I just don't know if I should bend on this or not. I love her more than anyone before her, so I don't know...
Kepp the input coming guys, and gals, I appreciate it!

 

You have been shown the way out and you should take it. I believe that you are correct in the fact that she is moving back, but why would she do this? She is now faced with the fact that she HAS to grow-up and face reality. If you stay in this relationship you will lose your identity and become more and more jealous of the relationship between her and her child’s grandparents. The sad fact is that even if this was a more stable relationship, you would still have to deal with the ex’s parents.

Ah, distance makes the heart grow fonder.

To make you feel better, I had something similar to your experience happen to me. Then I changed schools and the ex dumped me and found a new boyfriend. He happened to look a lot like me and act like me. Well she transferred to the school I was at and tried to get back with me and I was like, ummmmmmm NO, NOPE, I DON’T THINK SO. She would even get into classes that I was a TA in just to be around me. She crushed me when she dumped me and at the time I wanted to get back with her, but I knew what she did in the past and I wanted nothing more of that situation. Long story short,I meet someine new, got married havetwo great kids and an awesome wife.

 

No Dr.Phil here but the negitive attitude - like or lump it attitude would make me nervious. Wondering if she would feel better if you left, because you made the choice and not her, she doesn't look like the bad guy?
All advice offered with a grain of salt.
Hope all works out for the best.

 

What she does with her daughter is her business, and she should choose the daughter over you anyway. IF she thinks she is doing what is best for the daughter, thats great. However, on your end, i would book it. I wouldn't want to be caught up with this much baggage and drama. From this point forward, her number one priority is and should be her daughter, not you...or any other guy. I have no idea how one woman can cause a guy to go through that much trouble. If you are young, i would focus on the gals that made better decisions, or at least had good luck with the bad ones. This girl sounds like one that will add a great deal of regret and general a$$ pain to your life.

 

I think AG hit it

 

Run! Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. This can only ended badly.

 

Sounds like (to pretty much all of us) you've been given an out, whether deliberate or not, and you should take it. Once you take the first step, she'll either see the error in her ways and make good on it, or be blissfully ignorant about it. Either way, you have to think about the kid as well. Sure, you could provide a stable home, but if you and her are fighting all the time about the kid's natural family, ... Not good.

And the fact that you didn't buy the engagement ring in the first place speaks volumes.

 

My first reaction is like what has already been said. But since you haven't already hit the road, maybe you care about this gal enough to try to fix the problem. If you do, look at her life and what is going on overall. Her daughter's family will always care about her and the kid because they are family. So here's the thing: Does she have other close friends? People who have things in common with her? Maybe you could go out of your way to make social contact with some other couples who have one or more small children. Hook her up with a new social circle. Do it gradually, but introduce her to your friends and neighbors that she can relate to. Say nothing about the other family and make your life together positive and keep her busy. Invite people over. Fill up her life. She could be lonely and be gravitating to a place where she feels accepted and welcome. If your home is a place where she has friends and positive input most likely she will stay there. Consider her motivations. If that doesn't work, she's hopeless.

 

I don't see a much of a problem

The fact is that your girlfriend's MIL is the baby's Grandparent..... pure and simple.

*NOTE: A man will never get in between a REAL Mother and her child.

IMO, In this case she is doing the right thing and I'm sure in her mind she is thinking that.... if you think she is worth what you said she was to you, you will find a way to see this through.


This is always the MAJOR problem when there is a baby of another man involved.

The Question to you is:
Do you have the intestinal fortitude to be a part of the natural reality of your girlfriend and her previous family ?

I know I would.

I admire your girlfriend for allowing the child's grandmother to be involved in the baby's life again.

 

I'd agree softly with Million, with a few caveats.

I hate to see it phrased in terms of "intestinal fortitude", as if to imply that a strong man, a real man, woudl do it, but a lesser man wouldn't. This is not the case. It's a matter of how she wants to live life and how you wnat to live life being in tune. Too many men have ruined their lives trying to be "man enough" to put up with a woman's B.S. You have what you think is right and wrong. She has what she thinks. When there's a minor conflict between the two, yes, a real man, and a real woman, find a compromise. But when you consider a conflict of beliefs to be major, when you feel it down in your gut, then you have to step back and seriously evaluate. It's not that one is right and the other wrong. It just might be that because of these differing beliefs you are not compatible for the long haul without one having to give up who they are.

Certainly Million's right that if she honestly believes contact with the child's parternal family is good her her, then it's a sign of character that she'd give up her boyfriend to do well by the child. A woman who'd let a man make her do things that aren't good for her own child is a monster - and they're out there. That said, it's also true that if you were to become her husband, and therefore the child's stepfather, you could prefectly reasonably espect some consideration of you and your needs in the family equation. It's equally unhealthy for a child to be the only focus. A kid has to see that others in the family are just as important in family decisions.

But if the result of her good character is a lifelong situation that you can't live with, then it's possible you are just two good people who are not meant for each other. It all comes down to that. If you can live with this, honestly live with it, or if she can agree to some compromise, then that's great. But if despite searching your soul you honestly cannot live with it, and only you can know that, or if she's unwilling to listen to any sort of compromise, then now before marriage is the time to deal with it.

 

When you need to go to an internet message board for 'insight', I think you already know what the answer is.

 

If she is unwilling to discuss something that obviously bothers you to this degree....maybe there is a message there.

good luck!