If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....


Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share
with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."



The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

 

I swear this is a true story. My company was in a lawsuit against G.M. regarding a defective truck and I spent about 2 hours on the stand being questioned. When the G.M. lawyer took his turn, he was very sarcastic with his questions. "Mr. O, do you have any training in truck mechanics or have you ever been employed as a mechanic"? "No sir", I answered. "Then you admit not being trained as a mechanic", he asked. "How can you sit there and give testimony regarding the mechanics of a truck?" I paused (as I had been instructed to do) and answered, " I know a good deal about eggs, and I have never been a chicken". The judge nearly cracked up and the lawyers laughed out loud. We won the case.

 

Dono, nice.

I wonder about that cop. That's funny and everything but would it help the case any?

(Too much thought into it I know)

 

Why wouldn't you push a Windstar off a cliff with a lawyer in it?



















Because it seats 7.

 

what do you call 50 lawyers at the bottom of a lake??

a good damn start.

 

What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman!
Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.

 

two alligators meet, and start talking. the first gator notices the extremely small size of his new buddy and asks what he has been eating.
the second gator replies lawyers. the first gator asks "how do you catch them?"
the small gator replies "well, i wait in the parking lot, and when they step out of their cars, i grab them by the legs, and shake the poop out of them. then i eat them."
the big gator looks at the little gator shaking his head, and says "well, theres your problem!! by the time you get done shaking the poop out of them lawyers, all you got left is a briefcase and an azzhole. and there ain't no nutrition in either one of those things."

 

A lawyer, mid east cleric, and a jewish rabbi are driving late at night thru Tennessee going back to NYC from a court case. Being very tired, they stop by a farm house and ask the farmer if he has a place they can rest. The farmer replies that he has only one spare bedroom with two beds, and one will have to sleep on a cot he has in the barn. The rabbi tells the other two to take the bedroom, and he will sleep in the barn. Everyone agrees, and settle in to rest.

In about two minutes, the rabbi comes running back into the house proclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn. There are animals with cloven hooves, and pigs with unclean meat. I can't sleep there."

The cleric replies, "Not a problem. I will sleep in the barn."

So, once again they settle in, the same thing occurs. The cleric comes running in the house yelling, "I can't sleep in the barn. There are cows in there and cows are sacred animals in my religion. I need to sleep in the house."

The lawyer says, "Damn, I've got to get some rest. Here you take this bed and I will sleep in the barn."

They settle in one more time, aannnnnnddddd........you guessed it. In about two minutes.........




The cows and pigs come running in the house...................... jim d

 

i know i participated, but there must be 1 lawyer here we are gonna **** off. i don't want to apologize to 'em, but well you guys are a big target. hope you don't go nuts and thrash us for having a little fun at your expence. i got picked on as a kid for being fat. i lost the weight, hated the people that picked on me, but are all friends now. but i still hate lawyers. and i don't know a lawyer that said "here's your money back"

 

A lawyer, a garbageman and a housewife died and went to heaven. At the Pearly gates, St. Peter stopped them and said that they were pretty crowded in there, and they would each have to answer a question to gain entrance.

To the housewife, he said "What was the name of the cruiseship that hit an iceberg on her maiden voyage and sank?"

"The Titanic." She said and he let her in.

To the garbageman he asked, "How many people survived from the Titanic?"

Well, the garbageman had recently seen the movie and gave the answer without hesitation. St. Peter let him in.

To the lawyer he said, "name them."

 

Lenny, all the lawyers I know, know the best lawyer jokes.

My BIL is a lawyer.

 

What's the first thing you ask when you find a lawyer up to his neck in fresh concrete?


You ask............................................... ... for a little more concrete.