do i tell her
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Post Fiend
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,653
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From: in the adirondack mts
do i tell her
a few of you know of my dilema with my wifes illness. i didn't want to have to ask you all any more stuff but, i'm here again. the cancer dr. told me aside from my wife that she may have 3 months left. i'm in no way giving up, & every day i pray for a recovery. my wife seems to be ignoring the fact that she may, and i stress, may, be end stage. she isn't asking the dr what's going on and i have no frigging clue how to address the issue with her. the dr isn't telling nancy as she (the dr) is afraid she won't take it well.
what i'm asking is, how to address this with my wife. i can't see just asking her about her impending, & or possible death. God knows i can't go there, but for those of you that have been there, what the hell do i do? she may well know the situation, but she is keeping her thoughts to herself. i know it's not a reflection on our relationship, she wants to shelter me to. i don't want to be sheltered. i need input guys and girls. any replies will be greatly appreciated.
carl
what i'm asking is, how to address this with my wife. i can't see just asking her about her impending, & or possible death. God knows i can't go there, but for those of you that have been there, what the hell do i do? she may well know the situation, but she is keeping her thoughts to herself. i know it's not a reflection on our relationship, she wants to shelter me to. i don't want to be sheltered. i need input guys and girls. any replies will be greatly appreciated.
carl
Post Fiend
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 9,176
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From: Western Central NV
I'm really sorry to hear of your situation you will be in my thoughts. As to give you an answer I can't. You have to do what you think is best. If I were in your position, I think, (because it is hard to say until you are there) I would try and sit down with her and maybe a close friend or family member that you both feel close to and let her know how you feel and hope she will share her feelings with you about what you guys face.
Elder User
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 864
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From: Near the trees
Lenny, do you and your wife go to church or have a pastor, priest, rabbi, that you can talk to? Regardless of the "friends" you have met through this and other forums, we are really nothing more than anonymous acquaintances. Just words on a web page.
All hospitals have a list of hospices and hospice providers. Any clergy member can help you with the counselling you need. I emphasis this because, as I said before to you, you need the counselling and support at this time more than your wife. If indeed she is terminal, she will come to accept that in due time. But can you?
As someone who has worked in hospitals, nursing homes, and as a medic with the Army Reserve, believe me when I tell you, that what your wife is experiencing is a natural reaction and will pass, and although your reactions to it are natural also, you are the one that needs the help to get through this.
All hospitals have a list of hospices and hospice providers. Any clergy member can help you with the counselling you need. I emphasis this because, as I said before to you, you need the counselling and support at this time more than your wife. If indeed she is terminal, she will come to accept that in due time. But can you?
As someone who has worked in hospitals, nursing homes, and as a medic with the Army Reserve, believe me when I tell you, that what your wife is experiencing is a natural reaction and will pass, and although your reactions to it are natural also, you are the one that needs the help to get through this.
Hotshot
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 13,589
Likes: 2
From: NW burbs of chicago
Hi Carl,
My wifes Grandpa (72 yo) was diagnosed with cancer last may and died in October. His cancer spread rapidly. He wanted to know exactly how long he had to live, but his children (wifes mom and aunts / uncles) didn't want him to find out exactly what was going on. His reasoning for finding everything out was so that he could get all his bank accouts setup / will drawn up / give all of his tools away to nepheews while he was still alive/ and really enjoy the time he had left on earth. My wife and I got married in September, Afterward, Grandpa thanked me for enabling him to say goodbye to many freinds and family from far away. I felt sort of honored that Me getting married could provide him with that.
He tried chemo (sp) it didn't work out vbery well and made him real sick, He decided he wanted to spend the rest of his life without pain
My wifes Grandpa (72 yo) was diagnosed with cancer last may and died in October. His cancer spread rapidly. He wanted to know exactly how long he had to live, but his children (wifes mom and aunts / uncles) didn't want him to find out exactly what was going on. His reasoning for finding everything out was so that he could get all his bank accouts setup / will drawn up / give all of his tools away to nepheews while he was still alive/ and really enjoy the time he had left on earth. My wife and I got married in September, Afterward, Grandpa thanked me for enabling him to say goodbye to many freinds and family from far away. I felt sort of honored that Me getting married could provide him with that.
He tried chemo (sp) it didn't work out vbery well and made him real sick, He decided he wanted to spend the rest of his life without pain
New User
Joined: Jan 2008
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Likes: 24
I'm not going to suggest anything but I will tell you that I deal with the possibility of Michelle dying from one of her strokes.
I believe she will always want me to be straight forward and Honest with her about anything that happens to her.
I approached her on Valentines day with my thoughts (By way of Questions to her ) after the 4th stroke she had on January 21st.
She has since met with her rehab team to draw up a Personal Directive naming me her guardian in the advent of her death or severe disability.
Because of the way she really thinks about how strong our relationship has been over the years, she felt I was the one to oversee any consequences that may result.
I guess my point is, there are certain people that ONLY can do certain things when dealing with others.
Because of who you have been, considered by her ....You will have to ask yourself if You are the Only One who can put this situation to rest.
IMO, Strength,Compassion and out right Love of one another should always come to the forefront during times of Mortal issues.
I believe she will always want me to be straight forward and Honest with her about anything that happens to her.
I approached her on Valentines day with my thoughts (By way of Questions to her ) after the 4th stroke she had on January 21st.
She has since met with her rehab team to draw up a Personal Directive naming me her guardian in the advent of her death or severe disability.
Because of the way she really thinks about how strong our relationship has been over the years, she felt I was the one to oversee any consequences that may result.
I guess my point is, there are certain people that ONLY can do certain things when dealing with others.
Because of who you have been, considered by her ....You will have to ask yourself if You are the Only One who can put this situation to rest.
IMO, Strength,Compassion and out right Love of one another should always come to the forefront during times of Mortal issues.
Posting Guru
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,254
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From: Location, Location.
Here is where you have to dig deep in your knowedge of your wife. There is no one right thing to do. It depends on the person.
How has she handled serious issues in the past? Wanted to meet them head on? Or wanted to let you handle it? Turned inside herself? Or reached out?
That said, if I understand correctly from you rpost, the dr. only said "maybe, possibly" as if you're waiting for tests to confirm or otherwise. If more certainty is around the corner, perhaps there's no point dwelling on the worst case until it presents itself.
How has she handled serious issues in the past? Wanted to meet them head on? Or wanted to let you handle it? Turned inside herself? Or reached out?
That said, if I understand correctly from you rpost, the dr. only said "maybe, possibly" as if you're waiting for tests to confirm or otherwise. If more certainty is around the corner, perhaps there's no point dwelling on the worst case until it presents itself.
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This came up in 'Dear Abby' just last week:
http://www.nwherald.com/StyleSection...5839231290.php
There are things mentioned that you probably already know and, maybe some others you didn't.
Our thoughts are with you. Don't give up!
http://www.nwherald.com/StyleSection...5839231290.php
There are things mentioned that you probably already know and, maybe some others you didn't.
Our thoughts are with you. Don't give up!
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Post Fiend
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,653
Likes: 3
From: in the adirondack mts
good replies, and good advice, but i'm still lost. my question is how do you tell a spouce that time is, or could be, limited. i don't want her, in the last days, say i should have done this or that. i don't go to church regularly, but i'm a beliver. she's getting tested. and i think doubting her faith. nothing will put her back in her past faith. nothing will deminish mine. i'm asking if anyone can steer me into how to address this with her, without seeming as im giving up. Mil1ion, you have our best thoughts and prayers. jake00, God bless your Grandpa for knowing what to do......i don't know what to do. Thanks guys for the replies...................... carl
Posting Guru
Joined: Jul 2001
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Carl, did you ever think that maybe she knows but doesn't want to burden you with it? My uncle died from cancer. He knew before any of us or the doctor. He didn't want to tell us he was dying because he loved us and didn't want to burden us with it. Sometimes when folks really love each other, there is an unspoken word that doesn't need to be said. I wouldn't push your loving lady into that conversation. Just value the time you have left and know that you have truely been blessed to have had her this long. Some folks go thru life and never know what it is to love- you do. Count your blessings my friend.
Post Fiend
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 10,728
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From: Damascus-Boring, Ore
lcampbell Lenny, do you and your wife go to church or have a pastor, priest, rabbi, that you can talk to? Regardless of the "friends" you have met through this and other forums, we are really nothing more than anonymous acquaintances. Just words on a web page.
All hospitals have a list of hospices and hospice providers. Any clergy member can help you with the counselling you need. I emphasis this because, as I said before to you, you need the counselling and support at this time more than your wife. If indeed she is terminal, she will come to accept that in due time. But can you?
As someone who has worked in hospitals, nursing homes, and as a medic with the Army Reserve, believe me when I tell you, that what your wife is experiencing is a natural reaction and will pass, and although your reactions to it are natural also, you are the one that needs the help to get through this.
Good post- I concur.
All hospitals have a list of hospices and hospice providers. Any clergy member can help you with the counselling you need. I emphasis this because, as I said before to you, you need the counselling and support at this time more than your wife. If indeed she is terminal, she will come to accept that in due time. But can you?
As someone who has worked in hospitals, nursing homes, and as a medic with the Army Reserve, believe me when I tell you, that what your wife is experiencing is a natural reaction and will pass, and although your reactions to it are natural also, you are the one that needs the help to get through this.
Good post- I concur.
Posting Guru
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,246
Likes: 2
From: Hawkeye Country
carl, do you and your wife share a cirtan song or movie, or have a place that is special to the two of you? if possible take her to a special place make sure shes comfortable. try to involve any special friends or family. talk about special memories and share pictures of times past.
words can not explain how sad i feel inside for you and your wife. ive read every post you've shared with use but ive never left a response becouse i know nothing i can say will make anything better.
my mom battled breast cancer a year and a half ago, it wasnt exaclty caught early but it was soon enough. my point is never give up hope, nothing is over tell its over, theres tons of info out there of differnt treatments, people fight and win every day.
just stay strong for her she needs you more now than ever. im not quite sure how to put this into words, as sad as it may be, do whatever it takes to make what time she has left special.
just stay strong and dont give up hope, do some soul searching and the words will come to you.
god bless, i'll send one up to the big guy for you.
words can not explain how sad i feel inside for you and your wife. ive read every post you've shared with use but ive never left a response becouse i know nothing i can say will make anything better.
my mom battled breast cancer a year and a half ago, it wasnt exaclty caught early but it was soon enough. my point is never give up hope, nothing is over tell its over, theres tons of info out there of differnt treatments, people fight and win every day.
just stay strong for her she needs you more now than ever. im not quite sure how to put this into words, as sad as it may be, do whatever it takes to make what time she has left special.
just stay strong and dont give up hope, do some soul searching and the words will come to you.
god bless, i'll send one up to the big guy for you.
Fleet Owner
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 29,941
Likes: 46
From: Drummonds, TN USA
Don't waste time, don't cast doom on it, don't let shadows cloud it.
Live like there is no time left. Make the time there is the best it can be - do the things you have wanted to do together the most, so that there are no regrets later.
Live like there is no time left. Make the time there is the best it can be - do the things you have wanted to do together the most, so that there are no regrets later.
Mountain Pass
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 101
Likes: 2
From: Iowa Park, TX
All hospitals have a list of hospices and hospice providers. Any clergy member can help you with the counselling you need. I emphasis this because, as I said before to you, you need the counselling and support at this time more than your wife. If indeed she is terminal, she will come to accept that in due time. But can you?
Senior User
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 382
Likes: 0
From: WI
While I cannot tell you weather you should or should not let her know. I will say that I believe that if I were in her shoes I would want to know.
Look in to yourself, and what you know of her. The answer will come in due time. That is a decision that you have to make. I will wish you and your wife many happy days to come, no matter how short a time you have together.
Make the most of your time together. I lost my fiance to a random act of violence two years ago. Even though I am happily married to a woman I love now, I still wonder if I would have been more at peace with her passing if I had told her just how I felt about her every day and did the little things to prove it.
I do now. You never really know just how long you have on this earth. I had a friend that was told when he was 12 that he would not see the age of 18. He died at age 26 last year in a car wreck. A semi crossed the yellow line and hit him head on.
The point is, the human body is an amazing thing and miracles do happen. When Jim died he had no signs of the heart trouble that they said was going to kill him.
Good luck to you and your wife in the battle ahead.
Look in to yourself, and what you know of her. The answer will come in due time. That is a decision that you have to make. I will wish you and your wife many happy days to come, no matter how short a time you have together.
Make the most of your time together. I lost my fiance to a random act of violence two years ago. Even though I am happily married to a woman I love now, I still wonder if I would have been more at peace with her passing if I had told her just how I felt about her every day and did the little things to prove it.
I do now. You never really know just how long you have on this earth. I had a friend that was told when he was 12 that he would not see the age of 18. He died at age 26 last year in a car wreck. A semi crossed the yellow line and hit him head on.
The point is, the human body is an amazing thing and miracles do happen. When Jim died he had no signs of the heart trouble that they said was going to kill him.
Good luck to you and your wife in the battle ahead.