My older brother is currently experiencing some financial difficulty...should I help him out?

Background:

My older brother has been a "job hopper" for most of his adult life (he's 47). He's also had one failed marriage after another (5 total...I think). He doesn't know how to save a dime and has gone through many "loans" from our parents...who have never seen a return payment. He also has a daughter (18 years old) who works at a bank...so she has an income aside from his.
He is currently employed but not bringing home much $$.

I am doing ok financially, and am actually starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel as far as getting out of debt.

So, my question, as stated above, is...should I offer to lend a hand financially, knowing I'll never see payback? or should I stick to my financial plan and look out for just my immediate family?

This issue has been weighing heavily on me for the last couple weeks...just thought I'd solicit some unbiased opinions.

 

I have a older brother that led the same life. He has had 5 divorces and job hopped all of his life. He finally had a child on his fifth and last marriage at the age of 50. When the mother of his daughter threw him out ( he is a heavy drinker) he left penniless and jobless. ...

Not really a abnormal experience for him. This one was different though. He found out he wanted to keep his 6 year old daughter in his life. So he found a job, started acting responsibly, and now gets to share a life with his daughter....

Here is where the scenario unfolds. All through his life as he job hopped, went to jail, kept making a mess of his life, we other 8 kids let him do his thing, and would not bail him out of his own self made problems. Only until 25 years later, when he came to the crisis of him losing his daughter, did the family members help him out financially so that he could keep his daughter in his life. ...

Point being, we could have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on him the last 25 years, if we had give him money whenever he said he was in a pinch. But we looked at his lifestyle and blantant irresponsibilty and ignored his self made messes. Only when HE was willing to turn his life around for something that was dear to HIM, were we willing to invest in him. And he paid all the money back he borrowed to start his new life, now he is doing great. This reply may not be even close to your situation, but maybe it will give you some perspective. Not all family situations are the same of course. good luck

 

Thanks Greg...things to consider!

 

I have been in the same situation with my younger sister and her husband. I have given a few times then learned that if I keep handing out that she'll still keep asking me and not standing on her own feet. So I stoped. and today shes actualy better off. she finaly got a decent job she's been at for 6 years and is putting herself through school. Still waiting for her husband to get off his tushy and realize quitting a job without a another lined up is being an idiot. It is a long and hard road watching a loved one not see the errors of thier ways, but when the come to see the light so to speak it feels good.

 

yup, i agree. i drank most of my life away, loosing almost everything. family, job, health. i got no help from anyone, and lived paycheck to paycheck. my parents gave a helping hand only when i was released from the hospital after my heart attack.. i got out, and threw away a full pack of cigarettes, and have not had one since.10 years now. got to their home, and the first thing i did was buy a bottle of Jack Danial's, and put it in the freezer. it is still there, unopened. and i have not had a drop to drink in 10 years either. 2 months later, i bought a house. it ain't much, but in 5 more years of payments, it will be mine. also bought a bunch of old cars, and a few trucks. life is good now, but i can never replace what i so stupidly lost. i still can not figure how my 2 children turned out so good, having 2 rectal orifices for parents. maybe some day they will let me back into their lives, but if they do not, i do not blame them, because i deserved it.

 

TJC, thanks for sharing that post, I think it mirrors a lot more people today than you would care to think. You are being a bit unfair to yourself, and not givng yourself credit where it is due. You have recovered from a substance abuse almost equal to anything that can be abused out here and that, was a momumental task for you to achieve. I have two alcoholic brothers that have made fortunes in their lifetime, now both have lost their wives, children, homes, and money because of their drinking. But they, are the ones to stop the downward spiral, not anyone else can do it for them.. ...

The oddity of life is, it takes just a short time for people to learn to put their trust and faith in someone, but it will take 50 times longer to get that trust back, when broken. A alcoholic parent breaks that bond/trust, by never being the same person day to day. One day the parent is sober, kind and loving, the next day abusive and vile. So, the child has no choice but to lose the parentt/child trust, because they have no "benchmark" to gauge their love for parent/s to. I know, I was a child of two severely alcoholic parents. And this country has a huge campaign against smokers for hurting their children. hmmm..

You say you "deserve" what you are getting now. I have to differ with you on that one. You made some really bad choices in life, and cannot take the reperussions of those actions back. What you deserve, is the chance to slowly prove to your children that you are not the person you were years ago. You have to prove that by letting them see you are not going back to drinking. ...

I have only two brothers now, one died . One of my greatest hopes is that they would stop drinking and I could become a real brother to them, I yearn for that brotherly bonding. Yet, I have to avoid them, and have no relationship with either. Why ? I never know what state of sobreity they will be in if I stop by to visit or call them. I have visited them and they will be sober when I walk in, and one hour later they will be drunk and obnoxius. Sadly for me, I just gave up trying and I think they lost a opportunity to have a good brother in their lives. ...


So, give yourself some credit, prove to your kids by your own actions, not just words, that you can be trusted again. It will take time, but it will be worth the effort to have them back in your life again. Just remember that you cannot make anyone trust you again, you have to earn it. Children of a alcoholic parent/s have some serious "issues" to work thru themselves. Best of wishes to you. jmo

P.S. Sorry Scott, about the derail. Back to the original station,

 

Greg,

No apology necessary...it's ALL good!

Scott

 

NEVER lend money you cannot afford to loose. with that being said, hes your brother, kick his *** into shape, then offer to help him out. and when you kick his *** make it sincere because if you lend him money now, next time you will be the first call he makes to ask for more.

 

Just a couple of comments that don't necessarily conflict or work in tandem...just things to consider.

You are not your brother's keeper.

Give purely for the sake of giving. The return for your investment is the knowledge that you shared and helped someone. You never know when that single giving event is going to change someone's life.

There are many ways of giving. Cash, of course, is what many ask for and receive. But, sometimes offering to fund or at least subsidize counseling is the greater gift. Or a collective family effort...possibly conditionally subsidizing counseling and living expenses in tandem...no counseling / life style improvement...no subsidies.

Some times you cannot truly help someone unless they are willing to to help themselves.

Any all of can do here is throw out ideas, thoughts and best wishes.

Whatever you decide...live well with your decision. Let your decision set you free and don't look back.

 

thanks for the kind words Greg. i know exactly what you are saying. but 21 years of broken promises and lies to my son, and 11 to my daughter do not make up for the 10 years i have been clean. she will be civil and talk to me as someone she knows, not as a father. my son told me he never wanted to see me again, and has not talked to me in probably 13-14 years. there is a lot of hate to get over. all i can hope for is that they someday see i am no longer the drunken jerk that was never there for them that i once was.

 

I wouldn't just lend the money (i dont have it either, im only 25) but I'd make my brother work for me for money.

 

78 Explorer, my thought on the subject is that it's past time for him to learn to help himself. As long as his family keeps bailing him out and giving him money, they are enabling him to keep living the life he has been living. The only way for him to learn otherwise is to be forced into in. It's tough for a family member to do to another, but sometimes "tough love" can work on and adult as well as a child.

Are you being selfish by wanting to put your immediate family ahead of him? I don't think so. He's way past old enough to stand on his own two feet. I would support him in every way except financially. Maybe he's at a point where he's gained enough maturity to see the wisdom of this if laid out for him, since I don't know him, I can't say. But it seems that he's the one who's been selfish.

 

> Am I being selfish?

No.

> You are not your brother's keeper

This is a quote from Cain after he slew his brother Abel. Genesis 4 - 9 Cain was a murderer and liar. What this quote actually means is a topic best suited for FTE.

> should I offer to lend a hand financially, knowing I'll never see payback

Yes, as long as you do not kill your budget or it goes up his nose. The reason it bothers you is you love your brother and want to help him in your heart though your mind ("logic") says not to.

What you describe is a shamble of a life, of your brother, of one with no direction or faith and it is a hard thing to crack and a hard path to leave. A lot of people spend money to fill a void.

If you are going to give a loan or give a figure more then $1000 where is what I suggest. Insist on a budget. What I have done with people is go in, make a budget, and detail every little thing they spend their money on AND let someone else control their checkbook and divy the money out to them from a budget where I had their check direct deposited. They get one check card with a certain "splurge" amount for emergencies and so they do not have to carry cash.

Either way, what I would suggest is make sure he has a min. supply of food for him and his daughter. Even if it is a case of instant noodle soups, 3 for $1. Any teenager likes to have a locked room, maybe a mini-refrig just for her would please her. Drop by every once in a while with some groceries and treats and build the cost into your budget. Say, $50 every two weeks or whatever you can AFFORD as a regular budget item.

Make sure you get a nice treat that the niece likes just for her, go clothes shopping with her, etc.. Do it as giving to a charity, not as a loan, and do not expect or want any of it back. Just do it because he is your brother and it is your niece that you love.

 

Family is family, help them if it doesn't put you in a bind.

 

you cant make another human being feel the way you want them to feel,and you cant make them forgive either.if they dont get over the past,and have forgivness,then its their sin. you cleaned up your life,and have moved on,you have to leave the rest with them to deal with.life is a series of learning experiences,we live ,learn and try to move forward. keep a possitive outlook,and dont worry,time heals all wounds.my dad was never around for me,he was a drunk,violent,womanizer,that only thought of himself.he spent most of his life in an out of jail or in trouble. we have patched up our relationship,and he realizes how fortunate he is to now have a son in his life,i forgave him for his past.as i said ,time heals,and family is family.-billy