I usually wouldn't talk about stuff like this to total strangers but in this case, I think it's the best road. My wife and I are having a difficult time having a baby. We've been trying for almost 2.5 years and been seeing a fertility specialist for the last 6 months with no luck. Since we've been trying, 19 of our friends, family, and co-workers are going to have or already have had babies. What set this off is one of my best friend's just found out that they are having a baby this week and they have only been married a month. There is tension between us, I think he is a little nervous about telling me, I was told by his brother inlaw, because he knows how much this is affecting my wife and I. I am pissed off to say the least, not at him, but at the point that we seem to make other people fertile as hell and we have no luck. I don't want to wreck our friendship but it is getting increasing more difficult to deal with it. I know he did nothing wrong but I feel cheated. I think that it is weighing heavily on my wife's and I minds and I think it is stressing our marriage even though we are trying to be supportive to each other.
I can't really talk to anyone I know about this because nobody I know has had this problem, they try to understand but all I hear is " your time is coming" or "it's going to happen" or something stupid like that.
Any input that anyone may have could and would be great for me. I'm sorry for putting out my dirty laundry for everyone to hear but I needed to get it off my chest.

 

I know it may seem strange to hear, but maybe you should relax some. I know, easier said than done. the added stress can't be helpful to your goal, much less to your marriage. a good friend of mine tried for years with the same results, and finally they (he and his wife) decided to forgo pregnancy and were looking to adopt. well about that time, lo and behold, the miracle happened. for what it's worth, some things just need to happen when the time is right, I guess. at the very least, you will have less stress on your marriage, IF you can manage to heed this advice. I know this sounds like the same thing you've been hearing, but I also seem to remember a show or article I saw about stress and infertility having a loose relation to each other. good luck with everything.

 

My wife and I have talked about not going back to the doctor and looking into adoption a lot more. I have heard several stories about people adopting a couple of kids and then like you said, pop a baby of your own. Thanks for the response.

 

Good advice already I see. I have never lived in your situation so I cannot feel what you are experiencing, but will add a note here.

I have worked in a hospital that had a fertility clinic, and was exposed to that departments environment, so I know some of what you are enduring from the medical end of it. There was a married couple that I was great friends with, that were a role model for the perfect marriage and they loved each other to the max. They started the fertility clinic route after six years of marriage and the last 3 years of their marriage trying to concieve a baby. Note I typed last. I met the wife at a mall two years ago, she was divorced. You could have knocked me over with a feather...


Try to keep things in perpective. Your friends or people that you meet with newborns have no bearing on your fertility problem, the feelings you carry about your lack of pregnacy are coming from your own mind at this time, not theirs. I really doubt there are people that would try to rub it in that you are dealing with infertilty. If someone does, they are cruel and heartless, walk on and dont give the them benefit of letting them know they hurt you, they can only hurt you if you let them....


Nuff said, but first try to remember a child is a blessing, and will come to you if it is meant to be. The first and most important blessing you have now is your marriage. Do not let it be destroyed because of this trying time in your life, because infertility causes tremendous strains and stresses on couples. You could end up with no wife or baby. good luck. jmo


On edit: Some people have a endless need or the absolute feeling they MUST have a child of their own. There is always adoption, as said already, but some want their own blood in their child, it really depends on the person. The wife of the couple I spoke of above , was the one with the strongest need for a child. The husband was the one infertile, so she was young enough to still concieve. Out of his pure love for her, the husband give her the out of divorce. She re-married and now has a beautiful little boy. Not saying this is the way for all, but life does have many doors to it,

 

When my wife and decided it was time to start our family, we tried everything (even sleeping together) and nothing worked. There were times when my wife's temperature would change by 1 degree, my phone at work would ring and I would be on my way home. Finally the Doctor said that nothing was wrong with us and we just weren't "doing" it at the right time. With wifely logic, my wife decided that if we did it often enough we were bound to hit the right time. After about a month, I was staying up watching 1932 movies hoping she would go to sleep. When she went back to the doctor with her little calender with her temperature charts and an "X" for each time we had sex the doctor said, "Good Lord, the man probably doesn't have any sperm left". Finally we gave up and started adoption proceedings that led us to a baby boy that became everything I had ever dreamed of in a son. Three years later, after many false alarms, my wife got pregnant with our daughter. My only advise is try to relax and let it happen. I have had an eventful life, but parenthood is my greatest experience. Good luck.
Dono

 

Well Oval, your not alone in this world. My wife and I have been trying for over 5 years now. I know what your talking about big time. During this time all of my friends have had kids, and even people around us who didn't want kids have had them. I am sure that you have had many people ask you if you two have kids and when you say no they reply "are you planning on having any?" Sometimes I just want to slap people when they ask us that because yes we do want kids but it doesn't seem to be working for us. Another bit of good advice offered to us is "just quit trying, then it will happen" well it doesn't seem to be working, because we quit trying a long time ago. My advice to you is first off be happy for your friends that do have kids, or kids on the way, you can be adopted aunts, and uncles. It's not your friends fault that you are having problems like this even though it stings a bit when they tell you. Next, remember that you married your wife because you love her and wanted to spend your life with her. Keep your lines of communication with her open and share your feelings with her, more than likely you both have some of the same fears and concerns and you both need to be there for each other. You are both a team now and you can make it through this together as long as you rely on each other. There is always adoption, I know we have considered it and may do it. I realize that it may not be for everyone and that you both want to have "your own" but it is always there and everyone I know that has done it loves their child like they gave birth to them. Keep your head up and know that your not alone in this my friend.

 

All of your input is great, thanks. The adoption route has been discussed and my wife has looked into it. The one thing I don't understand is why is adoption so expensive? There are so many children that need to be adopted but it is so hard for an average income family to meet the amount needed to satisify all the requirements. My in-laws are in the process of adopting another child and I see the pressure and stuff they have to go thru.
I think the one thing that bothers me more than anything is once we do have a child, our own blood or adopted, is the chance that they may grow up with knowing my dad. I never knew any of my grandfathers because they both died before I was born and I really want my dad to be involved with them and he is no spring chicken. As a matter of fact, I'm getting a bit older than I thought I would be before having my first kid. I think that me turning 30 this year didn't help matters. I guess that I'm just a wreck. Haha. I'll say it again, you guys are great. Thanks.