Answer's to question's we all would love to give.
#1
07-13-2005, 03:35 PM
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Answer's to question's we all would love to give.
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thou! sand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in
Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fin! gers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir
schedule?(USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk
available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan
hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in
Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population?
(Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?
(USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Oh to be a smart a$$. Wouldn't that be great to be able to give answer's like these to people's dumb question's while you are working and not get into trouble?
Tom
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thou! sand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in
Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fin! gers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir
schedule?(USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk
available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan
hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in
Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population?
(Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?
(USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Oh to be a smart a$$. Wouldn't that be great to be able to give answer's like these to people's dumb question's while you are working and not get into trouble?
Tom
#4
07-13-2005, 04:47 PM
Can I add a few ?
Thanks
This will explain some of the ignorance which crosses our border.
All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists. Yes, they're
ALL TRUE as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada
staff!
1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing"
signs?
2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?"
Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' "
Tourist: "Oh".
4. Are the bears with collars tame?
5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or
should I store it in my tent?
7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what
it was?
9. Are there birds in Canada?
10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?
11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that
Saskatchewan?
14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
16. How far is Banff from Canada?
17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?
18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?
19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British
pounds?
20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?
21. Are there phones in Banff?
22. So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles?
23. We're on the decibel system you know.
24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car?
26. Don't you Canadians know anything?
27. Where do you put the animals at night?
28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?"
Park staff:"We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom" Tourist: "Oh!"
Thanks
This will explain some of the ignorance which crosses our border.
All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists. Yes, they're
ALL TRUE as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada
staff!
1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing"
signs?
2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?"
Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' "
Tourist: "Oh".
4. Are the bears with collars tame?
5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or
should I store it in my tent?
7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what
it was?
9. Are there birds in Canada?
10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?
11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that
Saskatchewan?
14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
16. How far is Banff from Canada?
17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?
18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?
19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British
pounds?
20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?
21. Are there phones in Banff?
22. So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles?
23. We're on the decibel system you know.
24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car?
26. Don't you Canadians know anything?
27. Where do you put the animals at night?
28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?"
Park staff:"We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom" Tourist: "Oh!"
#5
07-13-2005, 06:19 PM
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#6
07-13-2005, 07:25 PM
That was good
This is true, watch out for them, and make sure you carry some spare urine with you at all times 
Originally Posted by TWolf
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in
Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
#7
07-13-2005, 08:05 PM
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#8
07-13-2005, 08:05 PM
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#9
07-13-2005, 08:26 PM
You are spot on. The sheer idiocy of some tourists amaze me.
They come here expecting everyone to behave like Steve Irwin, and are severely dissapointed when we don't.
They expect us to be completely technologically impaired, and are then hugely surprised when even in the middle of nowhere we can still have satellite internet connections.
They are surprised at our standard of living, the come off the plane expecting to be greeted by our Customs officers, consisting of a couple of Aboriginal Australian people armed with spears and a bommerangs, and that we all live in caves and lean-to's.
The same people are dissapointed when they go to an immaculate beach that it isn't surrounded by high-rise apartments, bars/clubs and beautiful people wearing bikinis
(you might get some naked wildlife thats about it).
I have no problem with sharing the beauty of our country with people, just not the idiots thats all.
Sorry about that guys/gals, just needed to to get that of my chest.
They come here expecting everyone to behave like Steve Irwin, and are severely dissapointed when we don't.
They expect us to be completely technologically impaired, and are then hugely surprised when even in the middle of nowhere we can still have satellite internet connections.
They are surprised at our standard of living, the come off the plane expecting to be greeted by our Customs officers, consisting of a couple of Aboriginal Australian people armed with spears and a bommerangs, and that we all live in caves and lean-to's.
The same people are dissapointed when they go to an immaculate beach that it isn't surrounded by high-rise apartments, bars/clubs and beautiful people wearing bikinis
(you might get some naked wildlife thats about it).I have no problem with sharing the beauty of our country with people, just not the idiots thats all.
Sorry about that guys/gals, just needed to to get that of my chest.
#10
07-13-2005, 08:46 PM
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#11
07-14-2005, 12:03 PM
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Working in a pizza place, I got to give one that I will never forget:
Cust : Yes, how big is your Large pizza and How many slices is it if it's cut in half?
Me: The large is a 15" pizza cut in half is TWO!
Another one
cust: "Can I get a 1/2 and 1/2 pizza"
Me: "What do you want, 1/2 a large and 1/2 a medium?"
Cust : Yes, how big is your Large pizza and How many slices is it if it's cut in half?
Me: The large is a 15" pizza cut in half is TWO!
Another one
cust: "Can I get a 1/2 and 1/2 pizza"
Me: "What do you want, 1/2 a large and 1/2 a medium?"
#12
07-14-2005, 12:14 PM
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#13
07-14-2005, 12:30 PM
Originally Posted by BigF350
They come here expecting everyone to behave like Steve Irwin, and are severely dissapointed when we don't.
I need to plan another trip back. Aussie is too much fun.
#14
07-14-2005, 01:37 PM
#15
07-14-2005, 01:51 PM
I would love that job. I am a very smart witted person, which is hard for me being in the military and an NCO to boot. I still manage to get myself into jams everynow and then when my mouth reacts to the ambush faster than the brain.
CJ
I do love lettin loose though, nothin' finer than a good zinger
CJ
I do love lettin loose though, nothin' finer than a good zinger