hey all I am not new to this forum just under a new name since i could not remember my password. Anyways I was woundering if it was at all possible to have a sucessful relationship when the girl i am seeing has a bunch of mental problems. Like bi polar manic depressant bunch of other piddly ones. What do i say to her if she tells me to take off. Am i supposed to blow it off or do i not take it seriousely and act like it was never said. She does go off the deep end about once a week and she will cry for a long time sometimes even days at a time. When i am there she is happy when i am gone she is sad and gets emotional fast. Should i leave her alone and try to let her get used to the lonesome or should i be there for her when she needs me the most. I love her and she loves me and we are happy together and plan to get married and have a family but will it work?? Thanks for any advice and input on my little delima!

 

Hmmmm. That is really such a personal decision. Most folks want and deserve to be loved and accepted, but bi-polar is nothing piddling or easy. Is this a real diagnosis, or are you throwing out ideas? It sounds like there's some "borderline personality disorder" going on...or just very "primitive" behavior, as the shrinks call it.

Look, things like bi-polar disorder, sociopathy, borderline personality disorders are likely genetically passed down. Even the things that are 'learned' or the result of messed up families are many times unconciously repeated on the next generation. Do you want to risk it for your kids, or grandkids? And what kind of mom will she make if she's so unstable?

You may love her, but you have a responsibility to yourself, and your future family. Think hard about this. Marriage is tough enough with a "normal" spouse...whatever that is. There are many women to fall for, many good ones wondering where the guys are "that don't leave".

I know of very few relationships lasting with what you describe, and the ones that do are because both folks are so messed up and co-dependant they can't leave even though they are miserable. And their kids are usually messed up.

Even though you love her, you are not responsible for her happiness or her depression/isssues/problems. She is responsible for how they are handled. If she has a history of using effective counseling and meds (if necessary) and seems to take responsibility for her actions, even when in the throws of an episode, then maybe there's something worth supporting.

If she's a drama queen or just all over the place...

Like I said, it's your call. But one clue is you felt the need to ask. There's a sailing axiom that says "When the wind is picking up and you're wondering if it's time to shorten sail...it probably is past time." Good luck.

 

Are you sure she is not doing the sad thign when you are gone just so you will come back SOON?

If you aren't happy you aren't happy, period. I have been in relationships where I was unhappy she was, and then those that were the other way around. When it comes down to it it takes two people happy with the relationship you are in to make it work.
It sound as if you are questioning the happiness you may or may not have. Are you really happy or do you just say that. Better to ask yourself now and end now if needed than to put it off and end it later.

 

Speaking from experience(I myself am a Bi-Polar Depressive), just be there for her, and let her know you care. If things seem a little uncomfortable, don't just duck and run, try to find out what exactly is going on, and try to help her deal. Being Bi-polar is just like being 'normal'(and I use the term quite loosely), except that the highs are really high, and the lows are really low, and everything can change pretty quick.

 

I'm entering my 15th year of marriage to a woman with similar problems, and I'd have to say, if you really love her, support her. Just make sure that your support includes getting her to deal with it properly. It IS hereditary (no offense to anyone with such problems, but her family is one more pack of mixed nuts). Unfortunately, when you marry someone, you pretty much marry their family too, so keep that in mind. I have also seen signs of these problems in my own children, so be aware of what you are possibly letting yourself in for. I've always supported and cared for my wife, been faithful to her since we started dating, etc. but I won't lie and tell you that any of it has been EASY! You just have to decide if you love her ENOUGH to deal with the situation, realize that it's long-term, and figure out if YOU are strong enough to handle it. If so, go for it, and be the best man you possibly can for her. If not, RUN! NOW!

 

Good posts. Close friends have that challenge- been married almost 25 years. When she takes her meds, life is good. When she doesn't...well, it isn't. One of their two kids has the same disorder that didn't really surface until Jr High. I guess we all deal with our own challenges as well as we can.

 

This can be hard sometimes. I was very close to a girl I had feelings for, but she was just a little....uh....emotional? I don't know how to say it without being offensive. Well, we're still great friends, and we never got any closer really, but I'm always there for her when she needs me, and it helps her, as it does me.

Now another scenerio involves my friend and a girl he was with for 2 years. (I don't know how old you are or how long you've been with this person) They broke up about a year ago, probably even less then that, but while they were together, she really weighed down his mind. He is an active, and creative guy, and she just seemed to drain from him. He is one of those guys who wasn't going to go because of fear of breaking her heart and not knowing what she would do if it happened, and it put him between a rock and a hard place. When they broke up, it was ok, but occassionally he gets the call, and you can see it in his eyes and know exactly who it was. It's starting to just be unfair for her to weigh down someone else, and it seems like it's nothing else but a guilt trip. I don't know her situation well enough to say why she does this, but she really brought down someone else. Someone who was willing to help and be there, and he still is, but she takes advantage of him being so nice. It's tough. Some people think it's a little greedy to think of A#1, but how can you make someone else happy, if you can't be happy yourself?

 

Dude, i know its shallow to think this way, but get out while you can. I have two friends with wifes with bipolar and there misrable
most all the time, even when the wifes are one meds. And no
matter what happens with you good luck in a good way.

 

I have to agree about not seeing her.
We date (for the most part) in hope of finding a wife/husband/friend/confidante/soul mate etc. I dont think this is a person who you would willingly choose for that role.
My grandma gave all us kids advice and I have passed it on to my kids and for the older ones they have chosen to not date some guys when they took the advice to heart. It was simple. can you picture yourself sitting across the table every morning and night everday for the rest of your life?
My oldest daughter was on a date once and the guy chewed with his mouth open constantly and finally mid meal she smiled, said thank you, goodbye, good luck in the future, excused herself and called a cab to bring her home. She said she thought of great grandmas words. She finally chose her husband with those words and asked he do the same. They have been married for almost 4 years now.
Why would you want to start a relationship with problems? Do you see it getting better? Why dont you think you are worthy of the love of a baggageless, problematic free woman? They are out there. Sounds as if you are a rescuer.
Please folks I am not saying this woman doesnt deserve to be loved I am just saying she is in no mental state to be able to give her man all he needs wants and deserves.

 

if you are willing to make it work, and she is willing to make it work, 9 times out of 10, it should work. This is all a personal decision as said before. do you want to make it work? do you mind dealing with whatever problems she may have? I've not been in this situation before, something similar, but not this, so I'm not the best at giving advice on this. but if you both are wanting to have it work out, you may have to put a lot of effort in to it sometimes.

 

It she is someone you really want a relationship then do some research on her apparent problems.

Knowledge is power.

Once you learn about it,the rest it up to you.

 

i am so impressed with all the posts here, for such a touchy subject. Opinions are clear and different, but respectful of the decisions and opinions of others.

For those of you who are married to bipolar/problematic people and making it work, my hat is tipped to you...as it is to those who recognize it's not a path they should follow.

There is someone for everyone, the important thing is for all to follow "grandmas words" so that we all take responsibility for our decisions in love and life. Granddaughter was wise in that not only did she ask herself the question, she asked that her intended do the same.

1989F250xlt, check her out good, as well as yourself. Love itself is not enough.

 

Hey guys, thank you all for your great posts, let me tell you a few more things about her.. I took her out to dinner a couple of nights ago and on our way she mentioned how she was not comfortable going out, i asked her why she said the age difference she was scared that the open public would not accept us but nobody gave any bad looks and while we were in there she was talking about marriage and a family and how she knew I have accepted her problems and her bi polar is a definate diagnosis. That night i will never forget she was so happy... She was so happy i almost started to cry. I mean i have never ever felt this way about anybody not even family... But i told her marriage and kids will have to wait til I get back from training in the army. We are both happy the only time she gets down much lately is when her ex calls her or comes over or she talks to the phyciatrist or my mom. She has never been loved by anybody. She was blamed for murder at the age of 2 and has been told that her whole life. At the beginning she said and i quote "Do you think we would not have gotten together if it wasen't meant to be?" Because of the way it happened i told her no and that i always wanted to be with her and to support her and go on with life. Thanks for more input and advice that yall may have.. Jayson

 

Wish I would have known about bi-polar before I married 10 years ago. My ex was fine when we got married,but about 4 years into the marriage,she started getting real emotional(highs and lows as already mentioned) and having problems related to her troubled life as a child. i tried to get her help and support her any way I could,but nothing I could do would stop her from self-destructing our marraige. we lasted another year before she decided she wasn't good enough for me any more(her words,not my idea). We did have 3 lovely kids together,the oldest the only one showing slight signs of bi-polar. she did go get counseling and treatment and she is now on medication. she is doing very well. We are still best friends,but I think it is better we are divorced now that I look back. Jayson,your situtation might be different,as you are going into the relationship knowing what you may be getting into. If you do go through with it,i wish you the best of luck,and hope it works for you....Ben

 

All I can say is yikes. My ex-wife is bipolar and a complete mess. You better have the patience of two saints, because you'll need it.

The horror stories I could tell you would make you cry. I had things thrown at me, she'd yell, scream, and curse at me all night long if I came home late from work, she rang up $14,000 in credit card debt, she called the police on me twice for absolutely no reason, she'd call up my family and make up lies about me, she'd refuse to get a job, she even hid the fact that she had bi-polar disorder from me.

The list goes on. Let's just say I'm sticking to well-adjusted people these days.

Medication only goes so far - you just cannot medicate away emotional problems that are that severe.

Of course, she may be different, or able to handle it better. Your mileage may vary, but if it were me, it wouldn't be a very long decision making process.