Redneck Churches
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Fleet Mechanic
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,619
Likes: 12
From: Forest Hill MD
Redneck Churches
****DISCLAIMER***
I am a redneck and PROUD of it so I feel I have the right to make fun
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church...
IF the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a
chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
IF people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two
fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
WHEN the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering," five guys and two women stand up.
IF opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church
holiday.
IF a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive
truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
IF the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
WHEN in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names
in the church directory.
IF Baptism is referred to as "branding".
IF high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
IF people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too
heavy.
IF the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
IF the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from)
Billy Bob's Barbecue.
IF the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
IF instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
IF the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
IF the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Strawberry Hill".
IF "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
IF the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya
Hear
Chris
I am a redneck and PROUD of it so I feel I have the right to make fun
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church...
IF the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a
chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
IF people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two
fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
WHEN the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering," five guys and two women stand up.
IF opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church
holiday.
IF a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive
truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
IF the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
WHEN in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names
in the church directory.
IF Baptism is referred to as "branding".
IF high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
IF people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too
heavy.
IF the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
IF the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from)
Billy Bob's Barbecue.
IF the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
IF instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
IF the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
IF the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Strawberry Hill".
IF "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
IF the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya
Hear
Chris
Postmaster
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 3,241
Likes: 3
From: Broken Arrow, OK
What about makin' change in the offering plate?
Or if (instead of an ice cream social) you gather to regravel the parking lot.
You think Jonah was the world's greatest noodler
If the out house is recognized as a state historical landmark.
If the preacher cuts off the sermon early so he can make it home to watch the race.
If the preacher refers to the 12 disciples as the Dirty Dozen
Lawn chairs take the place of pews.
The preacher makes his sermon while wearing a cowboy hat decorated with a peacock feather and a band made of beer tabs.
If the church has a liquor license.
If there is a Confederate flag anywhere in the facility.
If any member has every placed part of their truck's drivetrain on the prayer request list.
If instead of having a daycare the church has a kennel.
If the preacher is given a firearm as a gift from the congregation.
Or if (instead of an ice cream social) you gather to regravel the parking lot.
You think Jonah was the world's greatest noodler
If the out house is recognized as a state historical landmark.
If the preacher cuts off the sermon early so he can make it home to watch the race.
If the preacher refers to the 12 disciples as the Dirty Dozen
Lawn chairs take the place of pews.
The preacher makes his sermon while wearing a cowboy hat decorated with a peacock feather and a band made of beer tabs.
If the church has a liquor license.
If there is a Confederate flag anywhere in the facility.
If any member has every placed part of their truck's drivetrain on the prayer request list.
If instead of having a daycare the church has a kennel.
If the preacher is given a firearm as a gift from the congregation.
Postmaster
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 3,918
Likes: 0
From: Michigan
I learned how to pray in a redneck church,heck,our prayer at dinnertime goes like this
Thank You God for these potatoes and meat
Now please make my kids shut up and eat!
And thank you for my pickup Lord
Aint nuthin like a 4byFord!
Because of that truck,Ill get my fill
Aint nuthin like a fresh roadkill!
Thank You God for these potatoes and meat
Now please make my kids shut up and eat!
And thank you for my pickup Lord
Aint nuthin like a 4byFord!
Because of that truck,Ill get my fill
Aint nuthin like a fresh roadkill!
Lead Driver
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,335
Likes: 6
From: Midwest
No kidding here....I was at the Bristol NASCAR race last spring,and this is what I heard: "Hello everyone,wish you guys were here,the green flag is about to drop!!!" so I am thinking somebody is just talking to their family or something. then the next sentance was" god bless you all,have a good service with my assistant pastor____." by this time,i had looked around to see what the pastor of the church looked like. He had long hair and a beard,and a beer in one hand and the cell phone in the other. I was feeling pretty good myself by then,so I yelled out "HEY REVERAND,HAVE ANOTHER BEER!!!" loud enough for who ever he was talking to on the phone to hear me 
. I got a real dirty look for some reason 
. I got a real dirty look for some reason
Postmaster
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 4,043
Likes: 4
Good post. That first one is from a Jerry Clower story. The punch line goes like:
Church Elder:
"If we were to try to get a chandelier, no one in the congregation could spell it when we went to order it from Sears and Roebuck.
If we did get a chandelier, no one knows how to play it.
And, we shouldn't be talking about spending money on a chandelier as much as we need LIGHTS in the church!!"
Church Elder:
"If we were to try to get a chandelier, no one in the congregation could spell it when we went to order it from Sears and Roebuck.
If we did get a chandelier, no one knows how to play it.
And, we shouldn't be talking about spending money on a chandelier as much as we need LIGHTS in the church!!"
Fleet Owner
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 29,941
Likes: 46
From: Drummonds, TN USA
(Memphis prayer)
Dear lord - though I know the northern folk ain't gonna like it because of the snow drift,
and the far southen folk ain't gonna like the melt water runnin' over they cotton...
RUN THAT DANG RIVER JESS HIGH ENOUGH FER ME TO KETCH A RECORD CATFISH!!!
AMEN...
>:oD
PS: I don't disclaim nuthin' - I was born a redneck...
*winks* -Sho 'nuff
Dear lord - though I know the northern folk ain't gonna like it because of the snow drift,
and the far southen folk ain't gonna like the melt water runnin' over they cotton...
RUN THAT DANG RIVER JESS HIGH ENOUGH FER ME TO KETCH A RECORD CATFISH!!!
AMEN...
>:oD
PS: I don't disclaim nuthin' - I was born a redneck...
*winks* -Sho 'nuff
Last edited by Greywolf; Mar 5, 2005 at 02:58 AM.
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