Okay this is my 3rd time getting married. I have sole custody of my 6 yr old daughter and my wife had 2 kids from her previous relationship.
One of her kids is a girl also 6 yrs old as my daughter which I love as my own child she also has a boy that is now 12 which I will say I love as my own child BUT he has an attitude from hell thinks he knows everything and has an extremely smart mouth. Now me being the step father can only do so much to keep order in the house and keep him under control. I get NO help from his father. I get along with his father. But I feel I am fighting this battle by myself I am the one who has to deal with the teachers and pick him up from school when he has to come home because of trouble he gets into. This kid is so disrepectful to adults that I have nieghbors come up to me and tell me if they were his age they would have kicked his butt along time ago. He disrespects me in my house and choses not to listen to me unless he wants something in return. I have tried in the past to talk to his father if by any chance I can catch him while he is sober. He goes to his father house on weekends and it takes me 3 days just to change the attitude around he constantly picks on his sisters and while he is at his father's house he doesn't have any rules to follow. I personally think it is unfair on why I should be disrespected in MY house and that he feels he shouldn't have to listen to me on anything. I am just waiting for the day his mouth gets his butt kicked and he wants me to defend him which I can't because I know his mouth and attitude. I feel like my hands are tied on this and it is frustrating because I don't want to see this kid get hurt but I know that day is coming soon. Yesterday he came home from being with his friends and told me and his mother he is going to join a tagging group. I said like hell you are it is #1 illegal and I nor your mother will bail your butt out of jail. I could keep going on about this. But I won't I would like any advice or to know If any of you have gone thru the same thing in past with any step kids anfd what has helpped you. PLEASE help before I kick his butt on my own or go insane dealing with him.

 

If it were my kid I'd send him to Military school. Preferably one run by a Marine..

 

i've been in a similar situation, my wife had a 11 year old boy when we married, his dad was useless too. I had a lot of help from my wife, she made him tow the line, he was a real handful, but now he's 22 and a good kid. What is your wife doing about this? it's going to take both of you to fix this problem. and it won't be easy.

Guy

 

[updated:LAST EDITED ON 03-Jan-02 AT 08:09 PM (EST)]My wife was part of a self-help group regarding
all different kinds of situations.
The Parent Support Association

Their Bible ,so to speak is a book called
" How to deal with your acting out teenager"
by Bayard & Bayard.

If you can't find it at the Library give me a e-mail.
I have the book on cassette tapes.
I'll let you have them at cost to me.

We went through 5 years with an acting out teenage girl(hers).

The most important things to know,and for them to remember are:
1) Choices > Both the parent and child.
2) Natural Consequences for their(child's)actions(choices)
3) The natural parent should be in charge the discipline with both parents approval.
4) Neither parent should NOT bullied into something by the child(pitting one against the other). It has to be a UNITED front toward the child.


HTH

Dennis
Please Don't Ask Me Any Tough Questions As:
"I'm Saving Up MY Memory For When I Develop Alzheimer's"







78 F-150 429CJ C6 ,Silver w/Explorer Pkge
641/2 Mustang,Pre-World's Fair Car #8092
64 Fairlane S/C waiting for a 390-4spd.
68-Mustang.Sunlit Gold 80,000 miles

 

I didn't get back soon enough to edit the other post.

Here's the link to that book I was telling you about.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0871314797/qid=1010113368/sr=2-1/102-5343495-5159353

It really is worth $12.

Good luck !

Dennis
Please Don't Ask Me Any Tough Questions As:
"I'm Saving Up MY Memory For When I Develop Alzheimer's"







78 F-150 429CJ C6 ,Silver w/Explorer Pkge
641/2 Mustang,Pre-World's Fair Car #8092
64 Fairlane S/C waiting for a 390-4spd.
68-Mustang.Sunlit Gold 80,000 miles

 

Let that punk know that his real father's a lazy alcoholic sack o' s**t, and that that is no way to lead a real life. You hate to say it, but you care for the kid too much to see him turn out like his lousy father.
That was my new age, politically correct response. Try it if you like, but what follows is the way things oughtta be handled.
Smack him around a little, nothing much, just let him know who the boss is. In the time when spanking your kid was starting to become "totally unacceptable," my father continued dealing out discipline in the way it's been done for thousands of years. As I grew up around around these other kids that had never had a finger laid upon them, I found in them a disrespect for their elders and a "I can get away with anything" attitude. It was and is absolutely disgusting. I have friends that yell at their folks. I'm bigger than my Dad and I'm still terrified to raise my voice at him. He's never done anything to warrant this kind of concern, it's just the now deeply ingrained sense that he is the authority figure here. In my family, it's just plain not right to cross your folks. When I have children, they're getting spanked when they've been bad. Call CPS, I don't care. I'd rather spend my life in jail that see my son grow up with that kind of attitude.

The Law

 

I kinda agree with the law, I was bigger than my old man but would never talk back just because intimidation, he rarely if ever laid a hand on me, but he could scare the ##### of of me. My mom on other other hand was always willing to whack me on the ##### until I reached my teens. Kids have to know the adults are the ones running the show. My brother is a different story, I was the oldest so they were the strictest with him, he gets away with anything and definately is not scared of limits. But I'll be the first to admit that I've never raised kids, I'm just speaking based on my experience as a kid.

 

We went the same thing with my son some years ago. Luckily we made it thru him turning 18 and kicked him out. The big thing to remember is that you and your wife have to agree on any restrictions, decisions and punishment. Send him to another room while you discuss things them call him back for your decision. NEVER EVER argue about the kid with right there - that would mean that he wins and you have many years of headaches ahead.

 

[updated:LAST EDITED ON 04-Jan-02 AT 12:52 PM (EST)]
I STRONGLY DISSAGREE WITH ALL OF THE ABOVE KNEE-JERKS.

That boy needs someone or something in his world that he feels deep inside that he has been done out of -

A REAL FATHER.

And that takes a lot....
It means trying to find a common ground - talking to him one on one to find where he really is at.

I am the son of an alky, and know what that can do. The alienation not only from your Dad, but from your friends, and anyone that might have respected you if it wasn't for HIM. And I know that it sux so bad....

I can't find words, so if you've never been there it's not easy to describe.

That boy has been through a lot of abuse, and his view of the whole world is patterned from all of that stuff.

That he's a piece of #####! Dumb *******, leave my ##### alone!!!!

GET OUT!!!

These are the "adult" words he has heard so far....

You need to find a way in through all of that. You need to reach the part of him that he has been hiding away, the child that still IS inside of him, that had to retreat and protect itself from a hostile family.....

And it won't be easy.

I don't let many people in close, even today. Even though I'm 43 years old.

But no matter what, you have to help him bring his heart back to life.
You have to help him learn to trust and to share with someone.

You have to relate to him somehow.

And teach the part of life that was ruined for him.

In a word: "CARING"

And you have to show it first, even if it doesn't work for a long time.

You have to bring him BACK, if you dare to try....

If you can


You see, I was one like that once...
And I was left to work it all out for myself.

There is no pain so great as knowing that no matter what you know, or how good you do it is tarnished by who you came from.

I know that feeling well.

But love can reshape doom. If it isn't too late.
The most imortant thing will be trust. He has to know you care enough that you won't "BURN" him, but that you are honest enough to not only see what he does, but talk to him about it straight up.

"I Know about this, why did you do that?"

And sit down and consider options - proposing alternatives he might not have thought he was worthy of.....

Consider this written in the ink of long ago tears

 

ok with my step-son when he messes up I get angry I talk to him and sometimes yell it depends on what was done. The only time i EVER got close to laying a hand on him is when he lunged at me with a fist. I grabbed his fist and said " if you want to act like a man you better be able to back it up like a man or quit now while you are ahead "
his father on the other hand does not disipline or set down any kind of ground rules and just lets him do what he wants. When the boy messes up his father will keep it hanging over his head forever. Me on the other hand I deal with the mess up and then it is done. I don't keep bringing it up. Now his mother she is so frustrated she just closes everything out and doesn't want to deal with it. I try my best to act like a father to this kid but all I get in return is disrespect and a smart mouth. I love this kid as my own BUT I have told him if he ever gets in trouble with the law. I am sorry but you got yourself in the mess and you have to pay for your actions and take responsibilty for what you do. I will not bail you out.


I try to keep my cool but then I have to walk away and away from the other kids and just explode by myself and come back when I am done.

this can't be healthy

 

FIND COMMON GROUND!

Something to share.

It's the only way you can reach him

His Mom has abdicated, and so it's up to you.

I suggest you become the person he wants to be like.....

 

And don't accept verbal abuse.

Point out the coming future, and that you haven't judged him.

You give advice because you have been there before....

And tell him about me.

 

We don't have to be like our fathers.

But there comes a time when we have to PROVE IT.

He is being like his father, and unless he changes it himself- he will go down the same road.

One day another son will be hurt the same way......

 

I guess you better show him these messages.....

 

If you go online together here, post your thoughts and I will respond to them.

Try to reach something like an agreement, but if not I will try to work with it....


~Greywolf sends