Hey! Since it's Friday and this is my 500th post, here's the obligitory joke:
(Note) This was NOT me.....

Enjoy,
Tim



Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled

my fancy. I bought something really cool for my wife, Toni. The occasion

was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra

for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer

gun with a clip. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse

affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety -- way too

cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded

two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was so disappointed. I learned that if I pushed the button, however,

and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of

electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so

looking forward to.

Awesome!!! but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on

the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new

toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two

triple-a batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently

(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I

really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I

must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and

thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I

was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger,

I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that; a one-second burst

would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was

supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second

burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish

out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"

long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded

with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin'

way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst

from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided

to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY

GUACAMOLE!

DANG!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front

door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the

carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in

the fetal position soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the

oddest position.

Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,

licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it

again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one

note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap

yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is

dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. )

SON-OF-A-BUCK that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as

time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little

I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were

on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps,

right thigh and both eyelids were still twitching. My face felt like

it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., I'm

pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my eyebrows? I think they ran away. I'm

offering a reward.

Still in shock,

Tommy

 

OH MY GAWD! That's hysterical!

 

That is the kind of laugh I needed on a hum drum fri aft.
Thanks

 

I hope that's fiction

 

I will second this story. I to know from experience the effects of a tazer. Mine was with the type that shoots the projectiles at you. I had them taped to me not shot at me. One was on my calf of the leg the other was on my chest. WOW what a feeling. Come to find out the farther the point are apart the better the effects. It is a strange pain, it is more of shear exhaustion. It will make every body part contract at the same time. I had certain parts of my body that seemed to suck into my throat. Like I said WOW.

 

i've seen a guy take one to the stomach without a shirt and he just stood there and took it. for about 5 seconds. No clue what the voltage on it was. But it barely phased him. He was a little numb afterwards though.

 

Moved to proper forum.

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Congrats on your #500th post. .Cool joke.