Saw this on another forum I frequent. Thought you guys would like it.

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, ********* nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my ********* and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

 

Oh my god, that was HILARIOUS......It literally sounds like something I would do....

The cat part is what got me....

 

MT, that was hillarious, for me anyway, I had to stop reading it several times to gain my composure. Did you find your nuts yet????????
Reps sent for that one you dummy......J/K..........so I guess it works

 

Awesome joke! Love it!

 

I read a very similar version of that on ArcticChat a few years ago - VERY FUNNY!

 

OMG! never lauhed so hard, hope you recovered and found your nuts intact

 

weakling lol..

i bought a taser just for some fun. (actually my buddy mikey convinced me to buy it) but we got back to the house and some one goes oh ive been tased before i can handle that.. so *zap* when he wasnt expecting it he dropped like a 170 pound sack of potatoes and he hit the counter with his head..

mikey was messing with people with it all night..(he only got the first person mentioned with it) no one was willing to get close to him.. so he set it down while he went out side to make a phone call, i quickly noticed it just laying there calling my name, grabbed it and ran out the door and was very sneaky about approaching him. i flipped the switch and theres a little red warning light that comes on, he noticed it and started to turn right as i hit him with a few volts in the chest.. he quickly dropped too...

continue messing with people with it just scaring the hell out of people when answering the door, walking into a room.. or they just plain old wherent paying attention..

for some reason when he hit me with it it didnt do very much of anything to me.. i think it had something to do with the fact that the batterys where dead.. or either that the stop at the licore store that helped me sleep that night prevented me from feeling or caring about it.. or even knowing about it..

okay so i did feel it too, now i have night mares about getting shocked.. i hate tasers.. if i was to rob some one, i hope they either dont have any weapon at all or they are packing a large caliber hand gun.. lol