Do you know any good jokes that can be used at a Christmas luncheon?

 

Here's one, but it's a bit long. But REALLY funny.

A Scientific Inquiry into Santa Claus

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, & Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits/second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has .001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles/household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding & etc. So Santa's sleigh must be moving at 650 miles/second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles/second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 lb. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see #1) could pull 10 TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9 reindeer. We need 214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles/second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat up the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within .00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-lb Santa (seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of force.

If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

 

The story of how it is of why an Angel is placed on top of the Christmas tree.

Have you heard it?

 

Well andym I am almost 60 and I still believe in Santa, even though he hasn't left me anything since I was 9 years old.
Thanks for disproving his mith.

Now tell us about the Easter Bunny.

 

I am Santa, or at least one of Santa's helpers. I've been dressing up in a Santa suit since I was 16 (8 years ago) on Christams Eve and visiting homes of the less fortunate among us delivering stuff from our church. Every year I say this is going to be my last year and then right after I do it, as soon as i am home though I am glad I was the one that did it. I've been at it for so long now that if I didn't do it I'm in charge of finding my replacement.

 

From a magazine, not word for word though:

So Santa Clause is up at the North Pole a few weeks before Christmas when a representative from the FAA stops in for a surprise visit. He quizzes Santa on the ground about things like height, traffic patterns, yadda yadda.
After the ground test, the FAA representative asks Santa to hop into to the sleigh, as they're going to fly a simulation.
As Santa gets into the sleigh, he notices that the FAA rep. has a shotgun on his lap. Spooked by this, Santa asks, "what's the shotgun for?"
The rep says, "well Santa, typically, the FAA isn't allowed to tell you information prior to the simulation, but you're going to lose and engine on this flight."

 

Theres this man living near the north pole , no others around for many miles.
One christmas evening theres a bang on the door. Who could it be?
This large burlly bearded man is at the door. he asks the owner...
Would you like to come to my place for a christmas party?
There will drinking - do you like drinking ? - yes replies the owner
There will be sex - do you like sex ? - yes replies the owner
There will fighting - do you like fighting - somewhat replies the owner
The owner ask what should I bring to the christmas party???
THe bearded man replies it doesn't matter it's only going to be me and You!!!!!!!!!!!!
This joke is good for all occasions
Cheers Craig

 

Their was a resignation letter by Santa Clause circulated around the internet some time ago. That may be a fun one, unfortunately, its not the cleanest joke out there. But what is these days?

Alvie.

 

Yes. My grandmother, a long time ago, didn't think it was funny. I guess it could have been in the telling, too.

 

I haven't. Could you share the story?

Chris

 

Santa wakes up Dec 24th late (10:00am) goes into the kitchen and asks Mrs.Claus about what's for breakfast.
Mrs. Claus erupts stating that Breakfast in this house only gets served before 8:00 am & she isn't responsible for him eating after that time. After 5 minutes of arguing with her he decides he is going down to the workshop and check to see if the elves are just about done with this year's quota.
Santa walks in and wishes everyone good morning! Just then, the Elf foreman comes up to Santa and says (with an edge in his voice) they have a complaint about wages & recognition for making the toys & Santa seems to get all the credit.If they don't get their demands met, they will go on strike at 2:00 pm.
Santa leaves the workshop (mumbling something about going down to the barn to see his favourite pet's, the reindeer).
He grabs the feed bucket & calls to them all to come and get something to eat.
Just then Rudolf comes to Santa with digust on his face and stating that him & the other reindeer are feeling un-appreciated & says:" it is about time that we get more rests & food along the way to delivering all the presents to children all over the world.
He then said that:" if things don't change around there for the betterment of the reindeer ,he will be forced to find an alternate way to get the presents to these children".

Well by this time Santa is really, really, upset so he says, he may as well go back to bed since everyone is so cranky. So leaves the barn & slams the door closed only to be approached by this angel. The innocent looking Angel standing there with a freshly cut Christmas tree, sees the terror in his eyes but still asks:" Santa, where should I put this ?"

And that Ladies & Gentlemen is how the origin of placing an Angel on top of the tree

 

i'll have to remember that one

 

I don't care who ya are...... thats funny right there!

 

During the Dust Bowl years, the farmers were desperate for rain, and they often hired scam artists out of desperation. One town hired a Russian named Rudy Nurgyev to help them. As he got off the train, he held his hands out into the clear blue sky, and in broken English said" Tomorrow, it vill rain". The townspeople crowded around asking many questions, but he simply said " vill rain 24 hours". Sure enough, the people woke up the next morning to a steady rain, the first in over a year. The farmer's wife asked him "How did he know it would rain? It's a miracle!" The farmer said " Ah, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

 

Gotta love a Christmas pun! That one made me chuckle, FLgargoyle.