Pizza is sleeping in the bottom of the stomach -- feeling really sleepy. Suddenly a double scotch drops on Pizza's face..then the second double scotch,third, fourth. Pizza wakes up a bit annoyed..then comes the fifth one right on his face then Pizza asks the double scotch "why the h..ll do you wake me up what's going on..?
Fifth double replies: "there is a pretty big party out there...there might be some more of us coming down..."
Pizza: " Hey a party.. sounds great...I'm gonna go up and have a look"!!

 

 

Just thought that I might add a little humor also. Hopefully its not to bad.
No farting in bed

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing
so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily
married for years. The only friction in their marriage
was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning
when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would
make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop
ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor;
she was concerned that one day he would blow
his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them
out! Then one Christmas morning as she was
preparing the turkey for dinner and he was
upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl
where she had put the turkey innards and neck,
gizzard, liver and all the spare parts.

A malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her
husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling
back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic
waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl
of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken
with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by
a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled
on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years
of torture she reckoned she had got him back
pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came
downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a
look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the
matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years
you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would
end up farting my guts out, and today it finally
happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline,
and these two fingers, I think I got most of them
back in."

 

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

'Well,' the man says, 'It's like this; I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced into a pasture of cows. When we went into the pasture to investigate, I noticed one of the cows had something white on it's rear end. I walked over to get a better look, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's behind. That's when I made my big mistake.'

'What did you do?' the doctor asks.

'Well,' the man replies, 'I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!' 'I don't remember much after that. '

 

Twolf that is so funny

 

dadsgreenpsd, that is a great joke! i'm using that one at work.
here's my contribution, i hope its not too risque' for this site. clean funny jokes are hard to come by.

Horse and chicken are best friends, always playing together on the farm.
one day while playing at the edge of the swamp, horse accidentally falls in. "chicken!" horse yells, "you've got to save me! go get the farmer!"
so chicken runs to the farmhouse and bangs on the door. no one is home so chicken runs out back and gets the farmers new mercedes and some rope.
chicken drives the mercedes down to the edge of the swamp, ties the rope to the bumper and throws the other end to horse. horse grabs it with his teeth and chicken pulls horse out of the swamp.
a few days later, being dumb animals, horse and chicken are playing at the edge of the swamp again. this time chicken falls in the swamp, and yells, "horse, horse! quick, go get the farmer's mercedes and pull me out."
horse says to chicken, " i dont need no mercedes!" and horse walks out and straddles the swamp, and says to chicken, " you know what you can grab onto!" so chicken reluctantly reaches up and grabs on. horse backs up and pulls chicken out of the swamp.
do you know the moral of the story?


if you're hung like a horse you don't need a mercedes to pick up chicks!

 

Hmm.... don't be surprised if that one dissappears...

Actually guy's, we have a joke thread going on, it's entitled "Corny joke of the day", it's about 4 pages long by now and just full of jokes.

STan

 

The cattle rancher decided his herd needed some increasing, so he went out and bought a new bull. There were already several bulls in the herd, and they didn't like the idea of this new bull one little bit.

"I don't think I'm gonna let that new bull have any of MY cows," said one.

"He ain't gettin' none of mine either!" said another. And soon all the bulls were in agreement that they were just gonna lock this new guy out.

On the day that the new bull was to arrive, there was heard a loud rumbling in the distance. A HUGE semi-trailer truck pulled up, and all the bulls in the herd started looking at each other, wondering what was happening. The truck stopped, two men got out, and took positions at the trailer tailgate. They threw open the trailer, and out stomped the biggest, baddest, meanest bull any of them had ever seen! He was 5 feet high at the shoulders, 4 feet across the chest, and the ground literally shook under his hooves.

One of the bulls in the herd said, "Wellll... ya know... I guess I wouldn't mind too much if that new guy wanted one'r two of my cows."

"Yeah," echoed the rest, "I guess I could... ah, share some of my cows with that new guy too... "

But about this time, the smallest of the bulls in the herd stood up straight and locked eyes with the big new guy. The little bull started snorting and stomping the ground, and bucking his little horns up and down.

"WHAT are you DOING??" yelled the other bulls. "Are you CRAZY??? Look at the SIZE of that guy... he'll KILL you!"

"Hey!" yelled the little one back to them, "I'm just makin' sure he knows I'm a BULL!"

 

so far there all make'n me laugh so hard im almost crying.

 

Guess what happens if you hold in your farts?

They travel up to your brain and come out as sh#ty ideas!

 

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.
Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a
child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would
stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

 

Okay here is one. I cleaned up the profanity so it is site friendly.

There is this guy that works and lives in town. Everyday he enjoys his walk to work. One day while walking to work he notices a new pet store with a huge parrot. He was all most past it when he hears the parrot say, "Hey you!" So he he turns to the parott and says, "Me?". To which the parrot replies, "Yah, you. Screw off!" The man, a little upset just continues his walk to work.

The next day when walking by the pet shop, again the parrot says to the man, "Hey you! Screw off!". The man is even more upset this time, but he keeps on to work.

Well, this goes on for another 2 days untill on the fifth day he stomps into the pet shop and demands to speek to the owner. He says to him, "I've been walking down this street to work for years now and all ways enjoyed my walk untill you opened up your store. Now every time I walk by your parrot tells me to screw off." The shop owner is shocked to hear this and says, "I'll take care of this no problem." He goes to the parrot and says, " I don't ever want to hear you say anything bad to this guy again! Got it." Then the owner turns to the man and says okay you shouldn't have any problems now.

The guy was happy to hear this and headed on to work. The next day when he walked by the parrot it said "Hey you." and the guy turned towards it and the parrot said "You know!"

 

Friend of mine had a sow, and was wanting to raise some pigs. He made arrangements with his neighbor down the road to acquire the services of his boar. Saturday morning he loaded his sow up in his wheelbarrow and hauled her down the road and put her in the pen with the boar, and then went back and picked her up that evening. It didn't take, so a week later he did the same thing. Still didn't take, so he did again on the next Saturday. He was sure it was going to work this time, so when the next Saturday rolled around, he decided to sleep in a bit, but a loud squealing noise woke him up.

Running outside to investigate, he found his cute lil sow sitting in the wheelbarrow.

 

A young man was trying to figure out what to get his mom for her birthday. She had all sorts of coats and shoes, and the choice was hard. Then as he's walking by a pet store, he sees a huge green parrot. The only thing bigger than the parrot was the price tag -- $500.

Amazed, the young man went inside and asked the store owner what was so great about this parrot. "That bird is very special," says the owner. "He speaks SEVEN LANGUAGES. Watch, I'll show ya... ". And the storekeeper proceeds to put the big parrot through fluent conversations in all seven languages.

"Oh, this will be just perfect for my mom!" says the young man. "She gets so lonely with no one to talk with." So he buys the parrot and has it shipped in time for her birthday.

A week later, he calls his mom and asks, "So Ma, how'd you like that bird I sent?"

"DELICIOUS!" she says.

"MA!!! You ate that bird??? That bird cost $500 bucks... he spoke seven languages!!"

After a moment, the mother said, "So if he was so smart, why didn't he speak up?"