A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 mph. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says. "Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and says..............."The airbag."


A businessman flew to Vegas, for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, all to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?" "What? Get the hell out of my cab!" The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "OK," and off they went.Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.


A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''
The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''
''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


Why Men Are Just Happier People - What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can
be president. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to
a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics
tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to
another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You
Don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same
Work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental
-- $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes
don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood -- all the time. Phone
conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A
five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own
jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If
someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your
Underwear is $8.95 for three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than
Enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.. You are unable
to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its
Original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You
only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your
Life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of
shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your
Nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing
A mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December
24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!

 

You forgot one (maybe more)

-If you show up at a party wearing the exact same outfit as another guy, you might just become lifelong friends...

Thanks for the jokes

 

dude those were massively funny....where did you get those man?

Signed,
The Don