Rules for Blues
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Elder User
Joined: Dec 2003
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From: Idaho
Rules for Blues
Ladies and Gentlemen, here are some basic rules for singing the blues.
1. Most blues start with, "Woke up this mornin' "
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you back it up with something in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town"
3. The blues be simple. After you get the first line down, repeat it. Then find somethind that rhymes with it- sort of. " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town, yea, I gots a good woman, with the meanest face in town. Got teeths like Margaret Thatcher, an' she weigh 500 pound.
4.The blues got no choices. You stuck in a ditch with a chevy, you stuck in a ditch with a chevy. Ain't no gettin' out.
5. Blues cars: Fords, Chevys, Cadillacs (if they are ole and rusty). Blues don't travel well in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. The best blues transportation is a southbound train. Northbound don't cut it. Jet aircraft and government subsidized transport don't cut it either. Hitchhiking is acceptable.
6. Walkin' plays a major role in the blues, so does fixin' to die.
7. Teenagers cannot sing the blues> They ain't old enough to be fixin' to die. Adults sing the blues. You have to be old enough to get the electric chair if you shot man in Memphis.
8. The blues can happen in New York City, but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada, as being blue from being cold doesn't work. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. Phoenix don't work, can't have no blues where it don't rain.
9. Male pattern baldness does not qualify you for the blues. A bald woman does. Breakin' yo' leg while skiing, horseback riding or mountain biking will never get there. Breakin' yo' leg from a 'gator chompin' on it is very good for this application.
10. Blues do not visit shopping malls, office buildings or Starbuck's. The lighting is wrong. Go outside and sit by the dumpster.
11. Good places for the blues: Highway, Jailhouse, empty bed, bottom of a Whiskey glass.
12. Bad places for the blues: L.L. Bean, Princeton, Harvard or Yale. Golf courses.
13. No one, and I mean no one, will believe you if you are wearing a suit, unless you slep' in it las' night.
14. Qualifying for the blues: If you're older than dirt. If you're blind (excellent). If you shot a man in Memphis.
15. Won't qualify: If you have all your teeth. If you were once blind, but you can now see. If the man in Memphis lived. If you have a 401(k) or a trust fund.
16. Blues is colorblind. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Ugly white folk can.
17.Acceptable blues beverages: Whiskey or Burbon. Muddy water. Black coffee. (No Starbuck's). Cheap wine.
18. Unacceptable blues beverages:C******nay, Snapple, Slim Fast.
19. Dying in a cheap motel, or from a shotgun wound (in Memphis) are blues deaths. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover, electric chair, substance abuse or on a broken down cot are also good. You can't have a blues death if it's at a tennis match or art auction.
20. Women's blues names: Sadie, Big Momma, Bessie, Fat river dumplin'
21. Men's blues names: Willie, Big Willie, Little Willie, or Willie's brother.
22. Women with names like: Jennifer, Amber, Whitney, or Heather can never sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
23. If you got a computer, you can't sing the blues
Feel free to add your own, as long as they qualify.
1. Most blues start with, "Woke up this mornin' "
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you back it up with something in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town"
3. The blues be simple. After you get the first line down, repeat it. Then find somethind that rhymes with it- sort of. " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town, yea, I gots a good woman, with the meanest face in town. Got teeths like Margaret Thatcher, an' she weigh 500 pound.
4.The blues got no choices. You stuck in a ditch with a chevy, you stuck in a ditch with a chevy. Ain't no gettin' out.
5. Blues cars: Fords, Chevys, Cadillacs (if they are ole and rusty). Blues don't travel well in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. The best blues transportation is a southbound train. Northbound don't cut it. Jet aircraft and government subsidized transport don't cut it either. Hitchhiking is acceptable.
6. Walkin' plays a major role in the blues, so does fixin' to die.
7. Teenagers cannot sing the blues> They ain't old enough to be fixin' to die. Adults sing the blues. You have to be old enough to get the electric chair if you shot man in Memphis.
8. The blues can happen in New York City, but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada, as being blue from being cold doesn't work. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. Phoenix don't work, can't have no blues where it don't rain.
9. Male pattern baldness does not qualify you for the blues. A bald woman does. Breakin' yo' leg while skiing, horseback riding or mountain biking will never get there. Breakin' yo' leg from a 'gator chompin' on it is very good for this application.
10. Blues do not visit shopping malls, office buildings or Starbuck's. The lighting is wrong. Go outside and sit by the dumpster.
11. Good places for the blues: Highway, Jailhouse, empty bed, bottom of a Whiskey glass.
12. Bad places for the blues: L.L. Bean, Princeton, Harvard or Yale. Golf courses.
13. No one, and I mean no one, will believe you if you are wearing a suit, unless you slep' in it las' night.
14. Qualifying for the blues: If you're older than dirt. If you're blind (excellent). If you shot a man in Memphis.
15. Won't qualify: If you have all your teeth. If you were once blind, but you can now see. If the man in Memphis lived. If you have a 401(k) or a trust fund.
16. Blues is colorblind. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Ugly white folk can.
17.Acceptable blues beverages: Whiskey or Burbon. Muddy water. Black coffee. (No Starbuck's). Cheap wine.
18. Unacceptable blues beverages:C******nay, Snapple, Slim Fast.
19. Dying in a cheap motel, or from a shotgun wound (in Memphis) are blues deaths. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover, electric chair, substance abuse or on a broken down cot are also good. You can't have a blues death if it's at a tennis match or art auction.
20. Women's blues names: Sadie, Big Momma, Bessie, Fat river dumplin'
21. Men's blues names: Willie, Big Willie, Little Willie, or Willie's brother.
22. Women with names like: Jennifer, Amber, Whitney, or Heather can never sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
23. If you got a computer, you can't sing the blues
Feel free to add your own, as long as they qualify.
FTE Leadership Emeritus
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 7,298
Likes: 45
From: Southern California
I don't care how tragic your life is: If you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it.
Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
Do you have the right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state-like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.
Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Cherry, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Lame Cherry Washington, etc...
Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
Do you have the right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state-like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.
Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Cherry, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Lame Cherry Washington, etc...
Postmaster
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 3,918
Likes: 0
From: Michigan
Dear camo4stealth
I have found your information to be quite interesting and informative,but upon futher investigation,it has come to my attention that I think you may have forgotten something,so please allow me to point out one correction.
While reading about the correct names for men to have while singing the blues,I fear you have forgotten a very crucial one.No willie.
I have found your information to be quite interesting and informative,but upon futher investigation,it has come to my attention that I think you may have forgotten something,so please allow me to point out one correction.
While reading about the correct names for men to have while singing the blues,I fear you have forgotten a very crucial one.No willie.
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