Don't Laugh Doc

Big Bob, a strapping lad standing 6ft 5 went to his local Doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise me, and I mean it - not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient. And you're a mighty big fella for anyone to be laughing at!"

"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest wiener the doctor had seen in all his years. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a
gentleman, I promise it absolutely will not happen again. Ever. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen!"


Can you Smell it?

A 21 year old girl saunters into a prestigous car showroom, looks around all the Porsches, Ferrari's and Lamborghini's before deciding on a top-end Red Porsche.

"I'll pay cash!" she says and hands over a bagful of Twenties.

The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away.

2 days later she's back, fuming "I want my money back...it smells awfully bad when I use the brakes."

Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the sales-manager decides to ride in the car with her 'in case she ain't driving it properly'

He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 50 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph, does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate.

110mph in 4th, 140 in 5th, the engine's roaring like a Lion with toothache, and the car is shuddering as it climbs to 170mph. The scenery is a green blur and the G-force has him pinned in the seat.

In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!), but no, she floors it and the revometer climbs higher.

100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.

"So, can you smell it?" she says.

"SMELL IT? HONEY, I'M SITTING IN IT!!!"



-Matt

 

Actual Radio Conversation

This was a conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in late 1995.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south
to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north
to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees
to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second
largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We
are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers
and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change
your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's
one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be
undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.


Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


-Matt

 

i like the last one :lol:

 

False, of course.

Canadian pretensions

But then, common sense should have told you that.

 

Thanks.....now you ruined my joke, Christmas and whole life in general!

-Matt

 

First two were good, the last one really got me

 

Glad I could be of service!

-Matt

 

I had trouble deciding what to buy my wife for Christmas and I knew she had always wanted a pet. So I went to the local Petland and was checking out the animals and a young guy working there suggested a parrott.

So I went along as he showed me some and had a really colorful macaw named Chet. He said Chet sang Christmas Carols. So I talked to the bird and he just stared at me.

I asked the guy what was up and he said you had to hold a lighter under Chet's right foot, so he did and the bird started singing "Jingle Bells" That was great so I asked what happens if you hold it under his left foot, The said I'll show you and Chet started singing " I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"

I then asked what if you hold the lighter halfway in between his feet ?? So The guy had no idea but we would try it.

The Bird (Chet) looked around a little startled and confused but then started singing very loudly.

"CHET"S NUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE"