It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the United States.

The Lord speaks to Noah and says:

"In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.

I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft.

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!"
Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.

A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.

"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. . ."The government already has."

 

LOL, thats a good story! Frightening close to how it would probably go. But thats what makes it funny!

 

One of the funniest things I've read in quite awhile. Thanks Bubba. I run into half of this crap all the time. Definitely needed a lighter note on the subject

 

I read this thread hoping I would find out the actual length of a cubit.
Dono

After writing this I found that a cubit is about 18 inches (45.7 centimeters) - who said these threads aren't educational.

 

If the world flooded so much that the highest mountains were under water (mount Everest 29000+ feet) That would have required almost 2 1/2 times the volume of water that is currently present on the planet right now.( as the elevation of the water increases the increasing circumference of the planet would require that much greater volume due to the planet being a sphere) thats alot of water! Where did it all go?

 

Where did all the water go? I think Waxy turned it into wine and then drank it.

 

Nah,, aliens stole it.

 

If that was the case, and I'm not saying either way, I'd have to throw one heck of a whizz right about now.

You guys better pray I can hold it.

Waxy

 

I would have hoped you had done that thousands of years ago,, otherwise your bladder has just got to be aching,,, OUCH!

 

Excellent post Bubba!

 

 

Thinking of starting a new religion based on the Apocalypse of Waxy's Bladder. " ALL HAIL and Pray that the Almighty Waxy does not break the Seal" eh, maybe not,, would be one ridiculous looking statue.

 

If we're beliving that God could flood the earth, which i am.
That would mean that we belive in God, which i do
And if i belive in God, than i'm pretty sure he can just give and take water as he wants......

 

INDEED

 

hahaha the ACLU suing because its a religious event, thats so great. so true, but still funny!