"I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
"no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".
(Eleanor Roosevelt)

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning
and a good ending and having the two as close together
as possible."
(George Burns)

"Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once
a year."
(Victor Borge)

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of
a misprint."
(Mark Twain)

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty
scarce."
(Mark Twain)

"My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she
objects."
(Les Dawson)

"By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll
become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become
a philosopher."
(Socrates)

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
(Groucho Marx)

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men
to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."
(Charlotte Whitton)

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every
now and then she stops to breathe."
(Jimmy Durante)

"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with
firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things."
(Jilly Cooper)

"I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back."
(Zsa Zsa Gabor)

"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat."
(Alex Levine)

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
(Mark Twain)

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people
would stop dying."
(Ed Furgol)

"Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you
a more pleasant form of misery."
(Spike Milligan)

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
(Henny Youngman)

"I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous
to offer me the position."
(Mark Twain)

"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.'"
(Joe Namath)

"I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age
I'm very pleased to be anywhere."
(George Burns)

"At my age flowers scare me." (George Burns)

"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later
in life."
(Herbert Henry Asquith)

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat
slowly, and lie about your age."
(Lucille Ball)

"I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then
it's time for my nap."
(Bob Hope)

"A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the
courtesy to thank her."
(W.C. Fields)

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it."
(W.C. Fields)

"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is,
I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."
(George Burns)

"If only God would give me some sign...a clear sign !
Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss
bank."
(Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)

"Another good thing about being poor is that when you
are seventy your children will not have you declared
legally insane in order to gain control of your estate."
(Woody Allen)

"If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future
plans."
(Woody Allen)

"Those are my principals, if you don't like them...... I
have others."
(Groucho Marx)

"Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman
I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister
and now wish to withdraw that statement."
(Mark Twain)

 

Good ones!!!