This isn't the usual type of post you see often here. But please stick with me on this, I need some advise. I am 19 years old, and I've never really had a relationship yet. I met this girl Melissa about 5 1/2 years ago in high school and it's one of those love at first sight things. I liked her a lot for about 2 years, we were really close friends, flirted all the time, but we just never hooked up. She had an abusive type boyfriend off and on at first. We went through a lot together, when I was 15 (she's 2 yrs older than me) she was talking to me on the computer telling me she wanted to kill herself. She almost did but I talked her out of it. I went to my school and got some help. She's been through a lot, I didn't know much of this until about a year ago, but her brother died, she got pregnant from her BF and 3 months in he punched her in the stomach and killed it. Her best friend died, her Mom beat her once in a while, her dad is gone. She just really doesn't have many people that care about her. At the time I didn't know all this, we got past the suicide thing, but when she was still with the abusive BF I got really frustrated with her and so I eventually just said the heck with it and I stopped liking her and kind of moved on. I didn't talk to her for an entire summer until I get to school the next year and she's in my computer class. Well, we stayed friends but we've always had this connection with each other. However, she ditched the abusive boyfriend and found someone else that summer I was gone. She's been with him for 3 years. We remained friends, but over the last 8-9 months, me and her have been talking about how we feel about each other and she basically told me she has strong feelings for me and blah blah. Well, for the last 6 months or so we see each other regularly, but her boyfriend doesn't know about it. Nothing really happened until about 3-4 weeks ago. She was constantly with me, she slept over my house once, and we did end up "together" at one time. So basically you could say she cheated on her BF with me. During those 3-4 weeks, she didn't seem to like her BF that much, she called him a dip$*** a few times. Couple days later I get a call in the morning of her crying. She said she found an e-mail of his to another girl. I forget what he wrote to her but it sounded like he had another gf at the same time. He said he loved her and etc etc. She used to live with Bobby (that's her BF of 3 years), she packed up her stuff and left. Now she calls me later on that day and says she's going to go to Maine with her Mom. I get a call from her later the next day but we only talked for under a minute, I was at work. That was last week. I get an e-mail from her saying she talked with Bobby and that she needs some time to think. We haven't talked much in a week. I talked to her today and I asked her if she could tell me what's going on, how it went with Bobby. She still didn't say much but he basically told her he messed up and that he swore on his daughters life that he'd never do anything to hurt her again (ya right). Now I understand that 3 years is hard to just let go, but I don't think she realizes that what she had with Bobby is gone and she can't get it back. Today I basically told her that I can't be around her if she goes back to him. I feel that she uses me to make up for what Bobby doesn't give her and I can't do that anymore. There is a lot I left out, this is already getting very long, so please bare with me. But heres the problem. She's suicidal again and told me today that she thought it was a good idea. It would crush me for the rest of my life if she ever did that. I'm at a loss and I don't know what to do. Any advise?

 

Quite obviously this girl has a lot of problems. If she truly is your friend the best thing you can do right now is get her some professinal help. You either need to have her commited or convince her to see a counsler.
Just put your personal feelings aside and do what's best for her. Help her get her life straightened out.

 

How do I do that? I don't know where to get help...

 

Call her first and try to convince her to see a counsler. If that does'nt work, call the local police where she's located and find out how you can have someone committed to a mental institution. Then go from there. Hopefully you will be able to convince her to get help before its too late. She seems to listen to you, and values what you say. Above all: pray.

 

I doubt if any of us are qualified to help her, and you aren't either. The phone books are full of mental health clinics and places she CAN get help. They charge on (her) your ability to pay.
Teachers in school should be able to give you some phone numbers, the phone book, your local police station, Clergyman, ...
Be a GOOD friend and get her help, find yourself someone with much less baggage.

 

My advice: KEEP AWAY!

You can be friends all day long, by all means help her get her life back to normal, but I'd advise against a relationship. The stability just isn't there, and the problems are numerous. Clearly, if she wanted more out of you than a crutch to lean on in tough times, she would have skipped the last 3 boyfriends and been with you.

Been there, done that. Stay away.

 

I don't know what your community is like, but you can go into any church and seek the help of any man or woman of the cloth. You can also contact a suicide hot line. Look in the phone book under mental health. Also check out any state hot lines.

All that know me here, would be surprised to see me suggest that you could contact the Department of Children and Families. They are usually very intrusive but if you "drop a dime" on this obviously disturbed young woman, it may be the best thing you ever did for her.

I am sorry for your troubles, and for her miserable life, but the duty does fall upon you to help this young woman because you have the relationship with her. Do it today, and may the good kharma go with you for it.

 

Yes, thank you for the information, it gives a clear picture of the situation. I had a friend go through this about a year and a half ago. Very odd - many similarities. She had the abusive boyfriend etc. and my friend was the, shall we say - "nice guy" he kept asking her out - but she said no every time, even though she really liked him...
Now, in your case, I would be very personal, console her in her time of need - think of her and what she is going through. Do not back down.
Professional help? I would say no, most people don't react that well to a cold, isolated counselor. You need to be an understanding counselor and the helpful friend.

 

I agree 100%.
Just be a friend and be there! ABOVE ALL, don't continue "being together." Remind her of her daughter and how much SHE needs her. Once you take it upon yourself to get her professional help, she will never be close to you again. If anyone can help, it will be a dear friend (which you seem to be). I have been in a similar situation several years ago, just contact her often via the telephone and just talk, better yet, listen. Be positive and always point her to the bright side of things, there's always a bright side. The glass is always half full, not half empty!

Good Luck

 

well she obviously has more problems than you are capable of dealing with and being a real friend means doing whats right by her. You need to get her help. around here you can call the police and tell her what shes saying and they will take her (around here it to the psyc ward of the hospital) for a 3 day stay. You'd be better off just going with her to the place and getting her to sign herself in if possible.
But otherwise you can be there for her but you're going to have to draw the proverbial line in the sand somewhere. chances are you are who she runs to when she feels insecure because your safe...and thats not the way it should be.
I have a friend who went through this type of thing and an adopted family member who did to....no matter how you feel personally you have to do whats best for her, if she doesnt talk to you then she wasnt interested in you to begin with, if she was she'll love you more for helping her.
but thats just my .02

marti

 

Being admitted to a Psych Ward can ruin someone. A friend of mine was admitted when he was a young teenager, for normal teenage problems, by over-zelous parents. Upon doing that, they ruined his chance of becoming a Police Officer. He also (after getting his degree) attempted to go to OCS for the Marine Corps to be an officer and was turned down because of it. At this point in his life he is one of the most stable people I know! He HATES shrinks and has a huge issue with his parents now because they ruined what he wanted to become before he had the opertunity to becom it.

 

How big is her BF? If you're bigger than him, beat the crap out of him. This may sound childish, but I can't stand anyone who hits a female. Those guys need to be in prison and spend a lil' time with Bubba...

 

I have to go with SemperFiMac and colossus on this one. Professional help usually does more harm than good. I think that she would resent you sending her to the psyc. ward. I also think that you should tell her to stay in maine and away from bobby the bad news bear. But I doubt that she will, so maybe tell her that if she goes back to him, that you don't want to talk to her. I am sure that this is bad advice, but it is an option. If nothing else, pray about it, that is always good advice.

 

I'm sorry about what happens to your friend. it would be real easy to say she's doing it for attention and for sympathy for someone to bail her out of whatever mess she's in. But the fact is if she is serious and he doesnt get her real help and something happens to her if he cares for her the way he sounds he will never forgive himself. Ultimately mustang you're going to have to do what you believe is right.....and if you're not sure go back to MatthewJ's advice...pray.

 

I can't be of that much service, since my last girlfriend was in early-mid 1999, (we are about the same age though (17)) but I'll try my best: I agree with the above. (About NOT admitting her to a Psych Ward ) First, I'd try talking to her face to face. If that's to difficult, I'd try the phone, but it's always better to talk things over face to face. Remember if YOU need to talk to someone, you know we are always here to try and help you through your problems.
Please let us know what you do decide to do, and what the outcome is.
Good luck,
Mike