The other day, i went to Mcdonalds for a vinilla milkshake. i put it on the roof of my truck and kinda forgot about it till it splattered on my windshield. When i got to walmart a guy sked my what happened to my truck(the whole front was whitish). i told him a bird got me. he said that musta been one helluva bird. i couldnt stop laughing the whole time i was in walmart. the cashier(another friend) had to ask and i only laughed harder.
If you have any jokes please share them.
Tim

 

Keep them clean tho...

 

I've posted it before, but a few of you may never have seen it.

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices that this salty old pirate has a steering wheel sticking out of his pants zipper. The bartender says, "'scuse me captain, but what's that steering wheel doing sticking out of your pants?" The pirate looks at him and says:

AAARRRGHH, IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS!




XXL

 

How 'bout if we include some practical jokes.

Best one ever, I used to live with three other guys in a rented house, one of them was a fanatic about his can of shaving cream, always complaining about someone using it. Somebody came up with a hilarious plan to get him. This kid took a needle, a book of matches, and some masking tape to make the "detonator", and we stuffed a balloon with two cans of beard buster. The idea was, taking the needle and taping it to an open book of matches, then placing the matches on a longer piece of tape. This held the needle at a 45 degree angle. We placed that in the back right corner of the microwave, and laid the tape down glue side up. Then in went the balloon carefully, (VERY CAREFULLY), in far enough to close the door, but away from the needle. After the door was closed, stick the end of the tape to the bottom edge of the door, and the trap is set. When the door is opened, the needle drags on the balloon, well, you get the idea.

He came into the kitchen the next morning screaming about not having any shaving cream left, and that we're a bunch childish a-holes, we're like "Naw, nobody shaved with your stuff." He opened the microwave to put something in, and BLAM, head to toe covering of his favorite shaving cream.

We've been calling this kid "Cream puff" for 10 years now.

Shaving cream will condense in a balloon after a while, but it's still good fun.

He got me back a few weeks after that by filling a plastic grocery bag with beard buster, somehow sticking the end of it under my bedroom door, which did have a pretty big space, then proceded to jump on the bag with both feet spraying my entire room and every thing in it, and I didn't even come up with the microwave trick.

 

Here's a good one, also with shaving cream:

Take a can of shaving cream and freeze it. The cream inside will freeze and swell a bit, splitting the can. Carefully remove the can from around the log of frozen shaving cream. Place the frozen log somewhere where it will defrost. When it defrosts, it will swell up HUGE. Great trick for file cabinets, toolboxes, bathrooms, front doorsteps, whatever. And it doesn't cause any bodily harm or damage.

XXL

 

OK,I'm gonna take a chance with this one...it's a real oldie but still worth a shot. I'll keep it clean as humanly possible.

This really huge overweight guy goes into the new 'progressive' doctors office to see if he had a weight loss plan that would work. He says to the doc, " I'm desperate doc, I have tried every weight loss program there is and I just cannot lose weight. Do you have any ideas that might help?"

The doctor says, "Yes, I do have one plan that hasn't failed anyone yet, but most won't try it because its so strange..and ummm a little gross until you get used to the idea."

"Well, doc, Ill try anything at this point. What have I got to lose except some weight, eh?"

So the doc says," OK, but I warn you, this isnt for the squeemish. Here's what you do. Instead of eating food the normal way..you know by mouth and chewing it..what you do is take in several meals each day. Instead of eating, you push a litle bit of food into your hind end and you will absorb enough protein and calories to keep you alive and you will lose all the weight you want."

The guy, of course is a little grossed out, but says,"OK, what the heck I'll give it a shot."

So the man leaves the office and three months later he comes back to the doctors office and he has lost 75 pounds! He was tickled to death.

During the visit the doctor notices that the man appears to be squirming back and forth in his chair. " Well, I see the diet has worked its wonders for you, but is it giving you an irritation down there?"

The guy looks at him and says......................................


"Oh no doc, Im fine......Just chewing some gum!"




*runs from the tossed tomatoes*

 

Well, there was this time at band camp . . . . . . . . .

 

Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A
mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained,
"Mama, I'm soooo hungry, what can we eat?"
To which the mama cat, spying the two birds, replied,
"How about some baskin Robbins?"

 

What do Sadam and Little Ms Muffet have in common?
They both have "Kurds" in their "way"......

 

What did they do in Afghanistan ?
They got rid of all the K-marts, and put up Targets.

 

This guy goes into a bar with a small monkey in a cage. Right away he is a huge hit with everyone, that monkey is so cute...

Let the monkey, let the monkey out, he so cute, can we play with him?, I want to pet him, can we feed him?, can we pet him?, and on and on goes the crowd.

Absolutely not says the owner, he is a pain in the rear ensd trouble maker, he always starts trouble, leave him in the cage.

They finally talk him into it, sign a waiver, the man isn't responsible for any trouble the monkey causes. The monkey gets out, runs down the bar and knocks over everyone’s drink, turns off the ball game and tunes the TV to the Oprah Show, craps in the tip dish and jumps on the pool table, grabs the cue-ball and swallows it.

The finally catch him and put him in the cage again, and the owner says, I told you so he is a bad monkey and doesn't know how to act in public.

The next weekend it's the same thing, he refuses to let the monkey out of his cage but tells one waitress that she could feed him through the cage, don't let him out.

The waitress hands him a peanut, the monkey sticks it up his rear, pulls it back out and eats it. Everyone is looking at this strange behavior. Someone else hands the monkey a piece of candy, the monkey sticks it up his rear, pulls it back out and eats it.

They all ask the owner why he is doing that and the owner says, After that cue-ball swallowing trick he pulled last week, he now measures everything before he eats it..

 

ROFLMAO

 

Arrr, Matey - How can you tell if a pirate is a Florida voter?


- He'll be the one with a patch over BOTH EYES...

 

Greywolf, that was even funnier than TallPaul's paint can story in the mechanical blunders thread!

 

*rofl*
I had to go looking for it after you mentioned it!

A friend of mine in Norfolk (who is actually from Texas) one time made the comment (on the topic of "Why is it?"):

"You can spend an entire four day weekend painting a house, and rest assured that in two years every bit of that paint you spread on is going to peal and flake right on off of it!

But the itty bitty spill you done left on Mamma's front walk is IN THERE FOREVER..."